Thread: The Curious Case Of The Ball State Ass Slapper

Mad Groper Terrorizes College, Feminist Angry at Students’ Flippant Response
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by Ferdinand Bardamu on April 11, 2010

Earlier this week, a merry prankster at Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana threw this quiet college town into a panic when he went around on his bicycle smacking women on their asses and speeding away before he could be nabbed, no doubt while twirling his mustache and cackling maniacally. A grand total of two females were traumatized by this chauvinist’s cheeky cheek-violating ways, enough to encourage campus police to send a emergency email to students and faculty telling them to be on the lookout for this terror on two wheels. The same emergency system that is usually reserved for serious safety warnings, like when rapists and muggers are on the loose.

The police’s overreaction to our buttock-bruising friend inspired someone to set up a Facebook page to highlight the absurdity of the situation. As of this writing (3:30 am Green Mountain Time), the Ball State Ass Slapper has just shy of 11,00o fans. Not only that, you can now score cool Ass Slapper swag, including T-shirts with phrases like “BSU: Slappin’ Ass On The Way To Class Since 1918″ and shirts for the ladies that read “I Got Spanked By The BSU Ass Slapper…And I Liked It”. There’s even a song dedicated to the Ass Slapper’s awesomeness:

Of course, there are folks out there who say that this is no laughing matter, and that anyone who finds humor in this whole thing is evil and should be hunted down by a lynch mob. BSU’s student paper covered their asses adequately with this milquetoast editorial demanding that this crime be taken seriously, and a Facebook group that opposes “MEMEBRS” of the Ball State Ass Slapper page (IT IS NOT A JOKE!!!) is a mere 328 fans strong at the time this sentence was tapped out. But the real laughs are to be had from an indignant blog post from ScienceBlogs scribbler ”Isis the Scientist” of On Becoming a Domestic and Laboratory Goddess… (haha, don’t you get it? Her name is Isis, the Egyptian goddess of motherhood and fertility and her blog is called, eh heh…). You’d think a blog on a site called ScienceBlogs would be more about, y’know, SCIENCE, but Isis would rather chew up their bandwidth to show how shocked, appalled, offended she is that people would dare to find this incident funny:

I’ve never seen such an overt celebration of assault against women on a college campus. While Ball State President Jo Ann Gora has denounced the group, I’m still disappointed in the student body of Ball State. I’m even more disappointed that it doesn’t just seem to be the students that have clearly lost their minds. Apparently a contingent of the faculty are acting like first rate asshats too. And, because a group of students have decided that BSU is making a mountain out of a molehill, they want to raise some money to help “real victims of sexual assault.” Thomas Bible of Nashville, a douchey-looking fucker and fan of “Women bringing you sandwiches“, suggests “how bout at your little charity event instead of a kissing booth you have an ass slapping booth? $1 a slap. have a buncha girls with nice tight booties who can take a joke rotate in and out.” Way to keep it classy, Muncie. Thanks for educating the next generation of mansplainers.

Okay, let’s get one thing out of the way – groping random women is not cool. But it’s not a crime worthy of an entire campus menstruating over. The Ball State Ass Slapper didn’t bend these girls over in a dark alleyway and ravish them like scoundrels do in those romance novels women like to read. He just…slapped their asses. They weren’t physically hurt, they weren’t forcibly impregnated, and if they develop mental issues from getting their haunches manhandled, they were probably screwed in the head to begin with. Calling what he did “assault” dilutes the meaning of the word.

Secondly, if a woman ran around spanking guys on their rear-ends, the police would have laughed any complainers off the phone, and Isis and her cohorts would no doubt impugn the manhood of any man who didn’t like having his tush grabbed.

Thirdly, as the reality of game tells us, whether a woman regards something as sexual assault is contingent upon how hot she finds the “assaulter.” If George Clooney came up and smacked Isis on the butt, she’d probably melt into a gooey puddle of gina juices.

And can anyone tell me why feminists are so deeply in love with the word “asshat”? Aside from Paul Elam (who gets a pass because he’s cool), they’re the only denizens of the internet I’ve seen that use it as an insult.

But wait, that’s not all! As furious as Isis is at the men who are making light of this story, she’s really cross with the girls who are stabbing the sisterhood in the back:

I’m disappointed in the young women who are supporting the fuckwittery of this group. I wonder if they truly believe that this is all “harmless fun”, or if they are participating in this Facebook group because they believe that this behavior will get them accepted by their male counterparts. I’m old enough to know that it doesn’t matter how much of a “cool chick” you are, or whether most of your friends are guys. It doesn’t matter how much you publicly proclaim your hatred of other women, or whether you label those other women as “bitchy”, “sluttly”, or “dramatic.” You’ll never really be one of the boys and it’s not sufficient defense to stop some men from objectifying or abusing you.

Or maybe they just realize, like the rest of us normal people, that this whole thing is hilarious, and that getting your butt-cheek fondled for a split-second barely ranks on the hierarchy of sexual assault. God bless those girls for having both the common sense and the sense of humor that an employed scientist lacks.

What’s most disappointing to me is the attitude that “kids will be kids” and that these are simply college-level hi jinx that these young men will grow out of. I see no evidence that boys who act disrespectfully toward women in college ever change their ways. Instead, I fear that these attitudes are simply translated to the workplace when these they graduate and enter the workforce.

Yesterday, one of you sent me an article about the current discrimination suits that Novartis is facing. Novartis is being accused of preventing the promotion of women, actively firing women who became pregnant, and overt sexual harassment. Yet, Novartis attorney Richard Schnadig defends one manager who is accused of showing his female subordinates pornography and asking them to sit on his lap by saying, “He wasn’t that bad a manager. He was just terrible with women.”

Yeah, because laughing at something that is so transparently funny translates into being a socially retarded imbecile. A thousand curses on affirmative action for letting this brainless bimbo anywhere near the hallowed halls of science!

This all makes it very hard to be excited about students coming from Ball State. At least they’ve gone through the trouble of forming a public Facebook fan page to put their douchecockery out in the open. Still, perhaps its time they had their education redefined.

That’s another thing – why do feminists have an obsession with the word “douche?” Go to any feminist blog and you’ll find it used repeatedly and attached to all sorts of descriptors, such as “douchenozzle” and “douchecockery.” It’s like they’re trying to tell us something…

In the meantime, show your solidarity with the smart students of BSU by becoming a fan of the Ball State Ass Slapper on Facebook. I never miss an opportunity to push a feminist’s blood pressure a few points higher.

Thanks to Bhetti of Girl Game for the Twitter tip.

i saw this on the spearhead, couldnt stop laughing as i said there, you gotta be kidding, apparently they have nothing better to complain about

The lad on the bike has a 'Knightly' future.

His bike is his Steed. He just needs a Lance.

A 12 foot foam rubber penis, perhaps.