Friday2 September 2011
Ass Press

More Oz ‘Men’ in primary schools


As a shocking and totally unexpected report reveals today that despite Julia Gillard’s ‘Educational Revolution’ and the proliferation of outrageously expensive earthworks where taxpayer’s money has been buried, less than one in ten primary school teachers are men, Oz Guvermunt MPs are taking steps to address the lack of male role models in children’s lives.

“We have to address this isshoo”, claimed Education Ministerial Spokesperson Ms Gloria Jowl. “Children really need something like a man’s influence in their formative years.”

“Some ofthese kids can’t even burp the alphabet. And their spelling is atroshu…..apawl….rotten”

Experts aren’t sure why so few men are drawn to low-paid work in rooms full of screaming children all chanting Global Warming slogans and scrawling ‘Eekwalitea’ on the wall.

“A few men have shown a passing interest in the profession”, explained a head teacher, Ms Daphne Lang. “But that’s mainly been concentrated around new graduate hussy’s desk during parents’ evening.”

Primary school teachers

From January2012, primary school teachers will take it in turns to dress as men, and properly teach the kids to count. “We are setting a new ‘Benchmark’ of fingers AND toes by mid-year.” Said Gloria.

“There’s something about a balding head atop a tweed jacket that instills respect in a young tearaway”, she suggested.

“That, or their hairy hands landing backward, at speed, across their little ears. But some things are beyond budget in these difficult times”

To complete the illusion, female teachers are being sent on crash-courses in faking interest in football, farting loudly in corridors and parking neatly and expertly in the staff car-park.

“Boys inparticular need a father figure to look up to, or at the very least a mother figure with drawn-on stubble”, said Ms Jowl. “And let’s face it, there are not many fathers left in our society”

Immediate row

Professor Ambrose Fortarse of Canberra’s elite Think Tank on Post Human Society, who produced the report said, “I accept that not all the chaps that taught me in school were unkempt, unshaved half-tramps like most of the womyn we see in our seats of child-centred-self-directed-learnings. But trust me, I’m not about to start encouraging transvestites of any kind.”

He made clear his complete disagreement with the Government's intended actions. “I would employ MEN” he said, “ But the Minister is hell-bent on finding employment for butch lesbians and buggered if I can give a toss any more.