27th-August-2008
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 | Men's rights activist | | | |
Written by Harry Phibbs for The Guardian's "Comment is free": Forward with fatherhood Quote:
There has been the most astonishing shift, in the space of a single generation, in the extent of involvement of fathers in child rearing. There used to be talk about somebody being a "New Man" or "metrosexual" but those terms seem misplaced now that it has simply become the norm for fathers of young children to change nappies, undertake the school run, push around supermarket trolleys, cook pasta and preside over bath time.
My father used to read to us and would take us for walks in the park. He also taught me to ride a bike, but there were whole swathes of domestic activity which he largely opted out of. There was a division of labour which has since disappeared. I am far more engaged in the great array of parenting activity in all its kaleidoscopic glory than my father was and I believe that I am, and he was, typical of our respective generations in this respect. Certainly fathers have always had a key role in the important decisions affecting children - where the family live, can a holiday be afforded, which school to send the children to, etc. The point is not that fatherhood was ever unimportant, simply that it has been dramatically enhanced over a relatively short period of time.
But this extraordinary social change has not been reflected in the media. The great truth that is never acknowledged is that fathers are doing a good job in their expanded remit. We are not the befuddled sitcom stereotype but are coping very well with our enhanced role. The trend towards more flexible working patterns allows us to do more for our children and this is something we enjoy.
Yet the child rearing pundits are invariably female. There is the Alpha Mummy blog provided by the Times "for mums who work, used to work, or want to go back to work one day (as if looking after children isn't work enough)" run by a sisterhood of high-ups at the paper consisting of Eleanor Mills, Caitlin Moran, Sarah Vine and Jennifer Howze. At the Guardian we have Zoe Williams with the informative Ante-natal column which has included a piece on dealing with baby food on one's clothes. Jolly good. But why are fathers excluded? Where is the male equivalent of Zoe Williams?
Or when the father does write about it, there seems to be a rule that it can only be done by going along with the joke. I've been pleased to see Toby Young's thoughts on parenting occasionally making it into print in The Spectator. But any advice he has to offer is heavily diluted with anecdotes about how much more sensible his wife is than him.
Tory leader David Cameron talks a lot about his role as a parent during the course of being interviewed for Dylan Jones's book Cameron on Cameron. Of course he has exceptional challenges in the case of his disabled son but in terms of coping with his other offspring the decisions will be familiar to many of us.
He limits TV viewing to 20 minutes or half an hour after lunch or after supper. Saturday mornings are about going out for a walk. He tries to be consistent. He tries to remember to say "that's a naughty thing to do" rather than "you're a naughty boy". He says he is "bad at" remembering not to overexcite the children before bedtime.
"I'm quite interested in the whole parenting thing," says Cameron. "Samanatha's read a few books about it because she's really interested in it, but the main thing you do is talk with friends comparing and contrasting. I think the problem lots of parents have is they don't have people to talk to. They don't have their parents to help them out or the wider social networks, people who could say, you know, that giving them chocolate at 10 o'clock, well, it might not be the best idea in the world."
This is all fine so far as it goes. But what about the traditional stuff? Nursery rhymes? Communal meal times? Insistence on children saying "please" and "thank you"? Reciting the Lord's Prayer with children after a bedtime story before putting out the light? I trust that modernisation does not extend to these being dispensed with in the Cameron household.
My contention is not that men and women have become interchangeable. They are different. All the more reason why the male Martian perspective on parenting should be included in the discussion. Nor do I suggest that the men will always get it right. After all Dr Benjamin Spock's advice has been a disaster. Just that our voices should be heard. There is precious little danger of fathers becoming arrogant. Children are profoundly sexist. When they graze their knees it is invariably their mothers they run to for comfort.
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