Who says men need to get married to be happy?

**Feckless** · 21st-October-2008

Who says men need to get married to be happy?

George Clooney is a confirmed bachelor and he's on to something, says one writer. There's a new type of single guy now

There comes a point in every man’s life when he must check out of Guyland, wrote Martin Deeson two weeks ago in these pages. This, for those of you who missed it, is the place in a man’s life when he lives singly and without responsibility. A place where he is no longer a boy but not yet a man; where he trips over beer cans in the morning on his way out the door, and asks for the woman he wakes up with to jot down her e-mail rather than her phone number to save him the embarrassment of having to ask her name.

It’s also known as bachelorhood and, according to Deeson, the age at which he should make his way to the departure gate is 35. This is when a man should start thinking about finding a good woman and settling down. Shortly afterwards, he should also consider trading in the sports car for a Volvo, donate the Xbox to a children’s charity and decommission the DVD collection. The reward for doing so is a life of simple bliss, where he lives longer and happier, snuggled up in the warm embrace of a loving relationship.

Well, not so fast, Deeson. Not everyone feels this way. George Clooney seems to be pretty happy in Guyland. Bruce Parry, the TV adventurer, is 39, and when he’s not rampaging through the Amazon, he hangs out in a beach hut in Ibiza, partying like a dervish. In fact, Clooney shows no sign of wanting to change: when Nicole Kidman bet him $10,000 that he would be married by 40, he mailed the cheque back after his birthday, with a note saying, “Double or nothing for another 10 years”. He’s 47 now.

Readers agree. “Stay single and see her at the weekends. Man is not meant to be caged,” wrote Lucas from London. “It’s a great lifestyle choice,” wrote Rob D, also from London. “As for married men living longer, well, the indoor cat lives longer too. But it’s a fur ball with a broken spirit looking out on a world that it will never enjoy.”

And I agree, though it is becoming increasingly apparent that many people close to me don’t. Now in my mid-thirties, I am used to my mother asking where various ex-girlfriends were, but then, last weekend, she sat me down and told me that finding a “life partner” was like looking for a job: you had to be determined and focused, she said, before finishing with “and stop faffing”.

I’ve lost count of the number of times a friend’s girlfriend has taken me aside and asked me when I am going to “come in from the cold”. Usually I yawn and say, “When I meet the right person”, but even I don’t believe it any more. Truth is, I probably have met the right person, probably more than one. But I’ve been in a couple of long-termers and I’ve seen what marriage can do to my friends, and I’ve decided I am happy in Guyland and I want to hang out here longer.

This should be a bit of a worry. Under Deeson’s rubric, if I continue walking single file, I will — in a few years — be suicidally unhappy and statistically more likely to be heading for an early grave. I will drink more, smoke more and slowly go to seed. Women will stop regarding me as an “eligible bachelor” and begin seeing me as, well, a sad spinster.

Problem is, I just don’t buy it. For a start, bachelors are different now. Traditionally they can be one of two things: a toxic bachelor who spends his evenings with a bucket of KFC and a can of lager, or a career bachelor who is too busy to socialise because he is working until 3am.

Over the past five years, however, a third type has emerged. Dubbed “city adventurers” (which, I grant you, sounds a bit naff — Bear Grylls in pinstripes?), these are single men aged 25-39 with an average wage of more than £40,000. They spend their spare time eating out, going to the pub and the cinema and taking weekend breaks. They will probably ski or snowboard and, when asked, they will say they are knowledgeable about wine (though they probably aren’t).

In short, they lead interesting and fulfilling lives. “We have the time to pursue things that we really want to,” says Duncan, a 33-year-old art director who has found a new lease of life since breaking up with his girlfriend. “My friends who are settled have almost every minute of every day accounted for. Because all of my time is not taken up by a relationship, I can write that script, play some squash, chase dreams and enjoy the finer things in life.”

Too many feeble men give in to the supposed security of marriage. They see it as panacea to their problems (including, but by no means limited to, alienation, indecision, and lack of direction and motivation). “I don’t want to be the oldest father at the school gates,” lamented one friend recently, explaining why he was getting engaged to his girlfriend, who we all know will make his life a misery.

Marriage like this is for wimps. “I genuinely pity most of my married friends, who feel trapped, bored and frustrated,” wrote Mike from Hong Kong. “The only men I know who are happily married are the laid-back guys who need a woman for direction. Marriage is not a smart idea for the alpha male.”
My old flatmate, Zar, a 32-year-old lawyer, agrees: “The best thing for me is realising that I have not been panicked into thinking I have met the right person and then discovered that I have married the wrong person, with whom I have a child and am in debt and losing my hair about what school I am going to send them to.”

Being single, solvent and in charge of your own life is fun. And then there’s the sex. “When I first found myself a bachelor at 33, I hadn’t realised how much women in their mid-twenties enjoyed the company of a man of that age,” said James, 35. “More cash, more charm and more of the benefit of the trial and error of what women like.”

The fact that you probably have a flyer place that isn’t full of deadbeats playing Nintendo only adds to the appeal.

Incidentally, dating younger girls draws a curiously bitter response from single women my own age. I remind them that there is nice symmetry in this: every schoolboy remembers the moment at 15 when all the best-looking girls in his year decided they didn’t fancy their spotty-faced contemporaries and began dating the sixth-former with a Vauxhall Astra. It’s not revenge, exactly, but they started it.

There are downsides, naturally: having to go out with your married mates on a “pink ticket” when all they want to do is hit pathetic strip clubs because they are so severely rationed by their Mrs; listening to similarly aged single female friends bang on about being left on the shelf; fear of shotgun weddings.

And then there’s the part about dying early. It’s true: bachelors die younger than their married counterparts. When I dug deeper, though, I discovered this has a lot to do with smoking, drinking and diet. And if you can keep these things under control, you can hang out in Guyland, well, indefinitely.

Who says men need to get married to be happy? - Times Online

**novaseeker** · 29th-December-2008

This, to me, is pretty much spot on. Men don't "need" to be married to be happy. In fact we don't even need a constant woman in our lives to be happy. I don't think this is ideal --> ideally we would find our heart's love and be perfectly compatible and have a wonderful, passionate, long term married relationship with hot sex, wonderful careers, and spectacular kids.

But that doesn't happen very often. That's why I advise my younger male friends to avoid getting married for as long as they can ... preferably forever. The current state of marriage is a prison for men, and is just a very bad idea overall for any man to get into.

**Zuberi** · 29th-December-2008

News flash

If you are a wealthy man you won't need females to make you happy! I know I don't.

**christianj** · 29th-December-2008

Quite agree, as a Batchelor myself, I decide what I want to do and when..

Fit and healthy and no one to remind about my imaginary faults or issues..

It definitely does have it's positive side..

**Percy** · 29th-December-2008

I blame the American Constitution, myself, for putting such an emphasis on 'Happiness'. And 'pursuing' it, with a rugby tackle in mind.

Happines is a consequence; it is an epiphenomenon of things that 'happen'. It is a consequence of full knowledge of oneself.

The modern MRA issue isn't so much about finding 'happiness' like George Cloony might have (frankly having 'role models' who have millions of dollars, is fatuous) as avoiding unhappiness and misery.

But what is this thing with happiness anyway? Who is it we are talking about here?

You?

Who are you?

Do you know?

Finding who we are is a damned sight more important than simply being 'happy' but ignorant of yourself. Any half-wit can be 'happy' as he/she dribbles from his soup spoon and grins innanely at flies walking up the wall.

What passes for 'happiness' these days is gibberish and childishness when you can be made 'ecstatic' by a friggin' ice-cream and your face light up with joy at the sight of an electronic 'thing' that will be obsolete in two years..

No-one can fully know themselves without the aid of an intimately trusted other person. It is not possible. It is as not possible as a 10 year old doing an appendectomy on himself on a desert island is nor possible.

Men and women are designed in such a way that each is essential for the other to know their own humanity; know who they are.

That intimate trust needs to be guaranteed. It used to be commonplace to recieve that guarantee with a wedding vow. No longer.

It is not a choice of one or the other. One can have both. But in sequence. Knowledge of oneself leads to happiness. Seeking happiness without fully knowing oneself is a wasted effort. Seeking an intimately trusted other is the first adult step.

**Dylan MacVillain** · 29th-December-2008

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UVGFfm4o50"]The Three Stooges-Are you married or happy?[/ame]

**haahoo** · 29th-December-2008

Quote from Percy

The modern MRA issue isn't so much about finding 'happiness' like George Cloony might have (frankly having 'role models' who have millions of dollars, is fatuous) as avoiding unhappiness and misery.

But what is this thing with happiness anyway? Who is it we are talking about here?

I didnt include the whole post, but I agree fully with it all percy.

One thing that has me wondering and shaking my head at the state of men these days is this pathetic infantile belief that "happiness" is something we have to aim for as if it is some sort of bloody ambition or something!!

This attitude is perhaps acceptable in 3 year old girls, but I think it shows how infantilised adults, even men, have become, if "happiness" is regarded as an ambition in life!

If you asked 100 men "what do you want out of life?"

I bet a good number would say "I just wanna be happy.."

Aye, so now men are supposed to admire the clooney?

Just like the women do..

Well, I dont put childless old bachelors on the top of my person role model list, no matter how rich or popular with the ladies they are, they have what I consider a fairly empty and pointless existance.

Where are his sons? His daughters?

As for advice for men to put off women and children as long as they can, I find that to be advice that is a destructive as the similar advice given to women by the feminists years ago..

A man who fails in a marraige when young can recover by his middle age...

A man who marries in his middle age.. Will hardly fail in something he is largely unable to do very well anyway!!

And when his wife goes, what fight will he have left in him?

**Tyrael** · 21st-March-2009

Quote from haahoo

Aye, so now men are supposed to admire the clooney?

Just like the women do..

Women admire him for his money, power and fame. The three irresistible attributes. Oh and Clooney is handsome too.

Quote from haahoo

Well, I dont put childless old bachelors on the top of my person role model list, no matter how rich or popular with the ladies they are, they have what I consider a fairly empty and pointless existance.

Where are his sons? His daughters?

Clooney is very smart not to marry given the current state of marriage which is an secretive anti-male defunct marriage institution. It would be utter stupidity for him to marry given the high risks and brief sustainability of celebrity marriages.

Quote from haahoo

As for advice for men to put off women and children as long as they can, I find that to be advice that is a destructive as the similar advice given to women by the feminists years ago..

Uhm no, because men can use that time to become successful as to better support a family at a later age. For women there is not as much time due to the faster biological clock.
Why feed a system that puts you in a bad, risky position? It's better to not take part in it at all until marriage for men becomes a decent option and the marriage contract is restored.

**musicman.2** · 21st-March-2009

Quote from Tyrael

Women admire him for his money, power and fame. The three irresistible attributes. Oh and Clooney is handsome too.

Clooney is very smart not to marry given the current state of marriage which is an secretive anti-male defunct marriage institution. It would be utter stupidity for him to marry given the high risks and brief sustainability of celebrity marriages.

Uhm no, because men can use that time to become successful as to better support a family at a later age. For women there is not as much time due to the faster biological clock.
Why feed a system that puts you in a bad, risky position? It's better to not take part in it at all until marriage for men becomes a decent option and the marriage contract is restored.

So men should use their time to make money for women later on while women party in the meantime?

**Tyrael** · 22nd-March-2009

Quote from musicman.2

So men should use their time to make money for women later on while women party in the meantime?

A lot of women think their boyfriend/husband will bail them out of financial issues. That's also a reason why not as many women save money or are parsimonious. She'd think Dexter will take care of that as he's good at managing his finances and saving.

This is primarily for yourself as money buys you freedom. If you decide to have a family, a portion would go to fund that expensive venture.

**CaptDMO** · 22nd-March-2009

Just as long as we're all clear on the distinction between the fortune found in an intimate partner, children, household, etc. -and subjecting ones self to the "new" extra-institutional legal and civil pitfalls, and eroded assumptions once ASSUMED in a
sanctified rite recognized by the same community where one was ASSUMED to become a viable and productive contributor.

The ritualized "business" of engaging, usurpation, and disengaging, in marriage law no longer has much to do with the rite set fourth above by Percy.

I could be wrong.

**musicman.2** · 22nd-March-2009

Quote from Tyrael

A lot of women think their boyfriend/husband will bail them out of financial issues. That's also a reason why not as many women save money or are parsimonious. She'd think Dexter will take care of that as he's good at managing his finances and saving.

This is primarily for yourself as money buys you freedom. If you decide to have a family, a portion would go to fund that expensive venture.

Yea but then you would be the guy bailing her out of it?

Why would a responsible hardworking man want to be with a woman who is any different than him?

**novaseeker** · 23rd-March-2009

Quote from CaptDMO

Just as long as we're all clear on the distinction between the fortune found in an intimate partner, children, household, etc. -and subjecting ones self to the "new" extra-institutional legal and civil pitfalls, and eroded assumptions once ASSUMED in a
sanctified rite recognized by the same community where one was ASSUMED to become a viable and productive contributor.

The ritualized "business" of engaging, usurpation, and disengaging, in marriage law no longer has much to do with the rite set fourth above by Percy.

I could be wrong.

Marriage is no longer marriage. The term and outward shell exist, but the content of the institution, as a contract of exchange between men and women, no longer exists. This was eroding long before second wave feminism, but the changes made to the family law in the west in the last 30 years or so were really the nail in the coffin.

Simply put: something called "marriage" continues to exist. But this "marriage" is not at all anything like what "marriage" was for 10000 years, prior to the last 30 years.

**shaazam** · 23rd-March-2009

"""...is no longer a boy but not yet a man;...."""

the Holy Grail of a married man better a bonded man

so if butthead signs the Contract he morphs into a man from the tweeny world ;a sort of waiting room for thereal thing ( her and her off of the planet agenda for him )- now that is a leap of faith !!!

""""...This is when a man should start thinking about finding a good woman and settling down..."""

a good wimyn - good for whom and for what ha ha ha good wimyn must be as scarce as hen's teeth or rocking horse shit nowdays

always the Family Court in the offing to severely correct men's delusional thinking

my heartfelt recommendation for young men contemplating marriage nowdays - don't

**rohara** · 5th-May-2009

Even though this article seems to support a man's absolute right not to get married it still reflects much of the bone headed bigotry that almost always accompanies a discussion on this subject. Notice that it is inferred that men have some sort of explaining to do if they are not married by their mid thirties.
I am 38 now and have never and do not currently intend to get married. This is my choice and mine alone and I always shoot back when someone points this fact out in a derogatory way. This happens a lot and sometimes I have been met with outright hostility, especially from women, when I announce that I have never been married. This is much worse for men than it is for woman and we get in not only in social and family situations but also at work. It’s amazing, you just mention the fact that you have never been married and people think that you are Jack the Ripper or something. It's wrong.