I asked an Indian lady whom I see on a regular basis and consider down-to-earth and intelligent if my thought on Indian marriages was fair. She said, “That makes sense” and added a flaw she sees in their culture. She said, “Indian culture wants the best of everything” meaning they want religious ideology when it suits and modern ideology when it suits. I said, “But that can’t be everyone” and she answered, “Of course, some are too conservative and they won’t change”.

Yet, wanting the best of everything is in all cultures IMO though some rephrase these words to ‘Having it all’. It can work if all parties are committed to each other and work together.

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The conversation was sparked over a prominent Indian man (both in NZ and India). My first thought of him was, “Which MRA online site does he belong to?” But since he had a fall from grace (his peer group), is on a spiritual journey questioning what’s real and not, AND the fact he’s a nice man and has an adorable daughter …… I am supportive.

He was above capable to represent himself in the family court and has shared care. Since the split, he has quit his career and lives on money coming from India, which I believe is protected from child support (family trust perhaps). He’s not the only one I know who has quit their job over a separation and it’s not just men. One professional woman I know was the sole financial provider and her husband stayed at home. He studied family law and then went for everything he could get including 40% of her present and future income – thus she won’t work. Their house is on the market at the upper financial scale and he gets his half and her half because he’s entitled to half her pension that she may get in perhaps 20 years from now. He got half the children’s savings for education and doesn’t have to pay child support.

Since the split he has bought another home with the children’s savings as a deposit and lives with a younger woman while she won’t be eligible to buy a home as she has no capital until she retires and her income is split.

The strange thing about this lady’s marriage and separation is that she believes all material possessions and money was hers as if he was an accessory while she speaks highly of him as a stay-at-home parent and a father.

I hear this all the time and even my own ex tells me, “You were a good wife and mother”.

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Our Indian man’s marriage was not exactly arranged yet it was based on the ‘best interest of him and his family’s reputation’ and both side’s parents consented to it (I don’t know what ‘best interest’ was wanted from her side – maybe to be taken care of). He played the role of provider while she played the role of elderly caregiver and child raiser. One thing he asked me was, “Why do we need to have children?”….. I answered, “It’s a hormone thing” and we got into a small, serious conversation before playing a game of tennis.

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Things deteriorated when our Indian wife no longer wanted to take care of his parents full-time and his career took off and demanded long hours. A second home was purchased under her name for the parents to move into yet things didn’t mend. After visiting her family in India, she moved into the second home and placed his parents with him. Divorce was filed and agreements sorted through the family court.

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His story reminds me of a farmer friend who phoned one day anxious and confused because a woman he had living with him was unhappy. He couldn’t understand how this could be when he created what he considered the perfect life. He felt he was offering her all she needed such as nice refurbished home, a man who could satisfy her, financial stability as his career was peaking and demanded long hours.

What he didn’t understand was that his psychological needs were being met while hers were being neglected. He felt good while she felt miserable just as our Indian couple. In the end both women left.

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Psychological needs are also neglected when men and women lose their roles (role sensitive agents) through separation and some end up committing suicide. There are 4 that are crucial and they are interwoven with each other.

1) Love – belonging and acceptance
This is a human interaction and people fulfill this need through groups – the most prominent is family and then peer groups. It provides a sense of security and ‘role sensitive agents’ like “I am a father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter”. When you take this away from someone, they generally go into survival mode and seek to replace it meaning they’ll find another way to fulfill this need (or ignore it and numb it with alcohol, drugs, sex in a dysfunctional way). Often they become resentful to the person who took it away and attack them and defend their stand.

2) Excitement and learning
People can be on a treadmill – doing the same mundane thing day in and day out for short periods, even a few years. But sooner or later they’ll start losing the plot (so to speak). They need to have excitement in their lives and they need to be learning.

In functional marriages, people take time out like spending time holidaying. Many end up investing in holiday homes, boats and in other toys. They travel far and wide or book the same camping grounds while children are young.

Working long hours and through holidays is a good way to ruin a relationship unless the other person is 100% part of the event. It’s interwoven with love – acceptance and belonging. The one working long hours and through holidays feels belonging and acceptance at their career/mundane job while the one who isn’t working feels unloved for their need for excitement and learning is not accepted and thus they feel they don’t belong in the relationship.

3) Autonomy
This is one of today’s basic rights and even in the past’s ideology it’s respected. To take this away also means to take away love for if someone feels they should control another, they are basically saying they don’t accept the person for who the person is, and since they don’t trust to give autonomy, they show the other person they don’t belong.

Can you imagine being in an intimate relationship in 2012 where you are not trusted to think for yourself?

4) Recognition
We all must feel recognized and sadly if we don’t get it by being good, we will get it being bad. There used to be a saying when mothers spanked children while having lunch with other women and children. The children sometimes played up badly for they wanted attention and the mothers would smack them (didn’t hurt them) and say, “You just want mum/grandmum to show you they love you”.

If you don’t give recognition to your partner you show you consider them ‘worthless’. When they try something new and you put them down, you destroy their trust in you.

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I could go on and on about Psychological needs as I have a reputation for giving them to others naturally (not online for life is busy enough offline) but again I don’t have much time, lol.

If you can take something on board by my post, GREAT. If you think this is shit, don’t take it on board. I don’t care for it helps enough offline.