'Best friend' mums - it will end badly

**julie** · 22nd-April-2008

There's perfectionist mothers, unpredictable mothers, "me first" mothers and "complete" mothers but family experts say the fastest growing group of mothers is the "best-friend mother" - and it can only end badly.

Clinical psychologist Stephan Poulter, who works with family relationships, has come up with five categories that he finds fit most mothers. He finds the group that is on the rise is mothers who want to be best friends with their children.

But he said going partying with your children, wearing the same clothes as them, trying to keep up with their youth with breast implants and surgery, erodes all boundaries - and leaves the children without a mother who can guide them.

"You see this all over the media with a lot of the actresses in Hollywood - their mothers are their friends," said Los Angeles-based Poulter in a telephone interview.

"One tragic one is Lindsay Lohan. Her mother is out drinking with her. Now she's been in and out of rehab and arrested twice. What kind of role model is she getting? Look at Paris Hilton too. Same story."

He said Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy model, was another prime example. She died of an accidental prescription drug overdose in Florida in February 2007 - just five months after her 20-year-old son Daniel died of a drug overdose.

Poulter, who has just released a book called "The Mother Factor," said this style of mothering had been on the rise for about 15 years but now accounted for 30-40 percent of mothers.

EPIDEMIC

"This really is an epidemic. Because of unresolved issues with their parents, some parents today don't want to be so hard and just want their children to like them. At the end of a long working day they don't want conflict," he said.

"But kids need a parent, not another friend, and this leaves them motherless. This can create a lot of rage in boys, and daughters who are drug-orientated and out of control tend to be motherless daughters of this type."

Rose Rock, the mother of U.S. comedian Chris Rock, who has raised 10 children of her own and looked after 17 foster children, has also warned about this shift in parenting.

She has laid down the 10 commandments of parenting in a new book, "Mama Rock's Rules: Ten Lessons for Raising a Houseful of Successful Children," and No. 1 is to be a child's mama, not their friend -- and to have rules in your house.
"At no time should you let your children think they can disrespect you or treat you like a buddy," Rock told Reuters.
She attributed the rise in the number of mothers wanting to be their children's best friend to a lack of time and to parents finding it is easier to let children lay down their own rules.
"It is a new thing that everyone wants their children to like them but parenting is not a popularity contest," she said.
"I don't need to be a 12-year-old's friend but I do need to be their protector, guide and warden. This is just a cop out."
Poulter says he tries to make families realize that they need to take back the traditional roles.
"I need the parents to recognize that they are not their child's friend and get their kids' respect and then the kids can separate from their mother and move forward in their life and not feel they are responsible for their mother," he said.
"For the kids this can work. But I think it is very hard for the mother to shift and to become the parent."

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4481317a19716.html

**outdoors** · 22nd-April-2008

Quote from Billy

A lot of truth in this article.

It's funny that Britneys Mum wants to write book on parenting but postponed it while her youngest daughter was pregnant and unwed and the oldest getting all kinds of negative atttention. Do todays women even know what it means to be a good Mom? A Celebrity slut is a good thing?

i am not sure if brittney's mom post-poned the book

seems i heard somewhere the publisher backed out

**Stan** · 13th-September-2008

Eric Cartman (South Park) has no Dad and a self-admitted "friend" Mom.

Guess how he is turning out?

Check this episode where you see the role the Mom plays in this unfortunate child's life.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/sear...h=tsst&x=0&y=0

Many US children watch this series which I think is inappropriate for children.

**Feckless** · 13th-September-2008

I can only agree....kids need parents!

**Percy** · 14th-September-2008

I have dealt with so many of this type of mother. The root is planted at around 9 years of age. The (later) mother was the beta-girl with an alpha-girl best friend. Both of course wanted to be 15 and have tits and attract boys, but the alpha girl was more forward and precocious (women call it 'girls mature faster') and therefore more popular.

The 'perfect' friendship, so she wanted, was her as the alpha with a best friend beta. That is what she tries to create.

Of course it means staying 9 years old wanting to be 15, until 65.

She tries to get her small daughter, even at 4, to be 9, dressing her as a pre-teen and when the daughter is 9 she encourages her to look like a 15 year old with a bra and sexy clothes. When she is 45 and the daughter is 25 they are both locked into 15 going on 9 and it is habitual.

As they both grow older she tries to keep in control as an alpha-girl 'taking over' the lead in social interactions, controlling the daughter's life - in her 'best interests' of course - and all the time struggling to remain like two 9 year olds 'playing' with life. The mother continually measures herself against all other mother-daughter relationships to a catty, competetive and totally inappropriate 'template' of 'maturity' as seen by a 9 year old.

It is a pathology.

**shaazam** · 14th-September-2008

I was about to enter the portal of my dentist the other day when I noticed this very elderly wimin mincing past

she was not apparently cognizant of the advance of time in her life

a mini skirt and a low cut blouse her pantyhose hung down in loose foldsdown her legs and thighs

her hair with generous patches of grey was teased up in the behive style of the sixties but with multi coloured sections reflecting her changing choice of hair dyes

lots of foundation on her face but with two round patches of red on her cheeks - she reminded me of Calija the wooden head

ok !! so she traipsed down the road feeling the flush of her sixteenth summer again

and i wondered

was she wearing thongs

**Percy** · 14th-September-2008

was she wearing thongs

With a vagina full of false teeth too

**Feckless** · 14th-September-2008

Quote from Percy

I have dealt with so many of this type of mother. The root is planted at around 9 years of age. The (later) mother was the beta-girl with an alpha-girl best friend. Both of course wanted to be 15 and have tits and attract boys, but the alpha girl was more forward and precocious (women call it 'girls mature faster') and therefore more popular.

The 'perfect' friendship, so she wanted, was her as the alpha with a best friend beta. That is what she tries to create.

Of course it means staying 9 years old wanting to be 15, until 65.

She tries to get her small daughter, even at 4, to be 9, dressing her as a pre-teen and when the daughter is 9 she encourages her to look like a 15 year old with a bra and sexy clothes. When she is 45 and the daughter is 25 they are both locked into 15 going on 9 and it is habitual.

As they both grow older she tries to keep in control as an alpha-girl 'taking over' the lead in social interactions, controlling the daughter's life - in her 'best interests' of course - and all the time struggling to remain like two 9 year olds 'playing' with life. The mother continually measures herself against all other mother-daughter relationships to a catty, competetive and totally inappropriate 'template' of 'maturity' as seen by a 9 year old.

It is a pathology.

And they tell us we don´t want to grow up?