Women in charge in the home

**Percy** · 10th-October-2008

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122359379658821047.html

Who Wears the Pants

By MEGAN BASHAM

In the past few years, stay-at-home moms have come under fire from some of feminism's most hard-line mouthpieces. These mothers have been told that they're letting down the sisterhood, endangering the economy and -- most important -- undermining their own position. By failing to bring in at least half the family income, it is claimed, they have rendered themselves powerless in their own homes.

"Incomes give women power in their marriages," says Leslie Bennetts, a Vanity Fair writer and frequent "Today Show" guest. She has called the recent increase in mothers choosing to stay home a national tragedy. Linda Hirshman, the author of "Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World," has made her own rounds of female-targeted programming, appearing on "The View" and "Good Morning America" to recommend that young women "marry down." Why? Because money "usually accompanies power," she says, "and it enables the bearer to wield power, including within the family."

But as it turns out, wives don't need income to wield power in their marriages. And mothers don't have much reason to fear losing power if they're not bringing home an equal share of the bacon. A Pew Research Center study released a couple of weeks ago found that when it comes to decision making in the home, wives in a majority of cases either rule the roost or share power equally with their husbands, regardless of how much money the women earn.

Of the 1,260 men and women whom Pew pollsters surveyed over the summer, 43% responded that the woman makes most of the major decisions for the family, with 31% saying that the couple makes most decisions together. There was a small difference (within the margin of error) between the control exerted by wives who earn more than their husbands and those who earn less (46% versus 42%). But in both cases, women wielded sole decision-making power far more than men did, indicating that what "father knows best" is when to defer to mom.

Certainly that was what University of Iowa researchers found last year when they measured how couples negotiate conflict over household decisions. That study not only confirmed that men will usually go along with their wives but found that when couples do disagree, wives are far more persuasive than husbands in changing their spouses' minds.

According to the author of the study, David Vogel, what he and his team witnessed during recorded conversations wasn't a case of men tuning out when their wives started talking. Rather the researchers saw that when spouses engaged in debate, the women gained more ground than their husbands did. "[The women] were communicating more powerful messages and men were responding to those messages by agreeing," Mr. Vogel stated in a press release.

The hypothesis that men hold more sway in relationships because they typically make more money didn't play out.

If a bigger paycheck did mean more power in any area of family decision making, the most likely one would be finances. But even there women are in charge, with more women than men in the Pew survey saying that they manage the couple's budget and wives in the Iowa study winning out over husbands in money disagreements. According to Pew, 45% of women said they hold the family purse strings compared to 37% of men.

This despite two-thirds of the couples reporting that the man had the higher income. In fact, in recent years a substantial amount of research has shown that wives lose some of their household decision-making power when they earn more than their husbands, possibly because by spending fewer hours in the home they forfeit claims to certain household "expertise."

Scholarly interest in which spouse has more power in the home didn't start in earnest until the late 1960s, when women began entering the work force in significant numbers. But advertisers have been tracking the buying habits of American families since the 1940s. What they have found is that women made more of the household purchasing decisions before the advent of the feminist movement and that they make more of the purchasing decisions now, regardless of how big or small their paychecks are. These marketing surveys have been remarkably consistent, and they haven't changed much in the past 60 years.

To be fair, many of the scholarly studies' conclusions include a "final say" contingency -- many husbands claim that they have veto power when they feel very strongly about an issue. But consumer research shows that with the exception of what car to buy and when to buy it, men rarely claim strong enough feelings to override their wives.

"Across all decision-making realms, it tilts to the woman," noted Rich Morin, the Pew study's lead author. "I was surprised by the percentage of men who made none of the decisions in any of the areas. A significant percentage were just bystanders." Not surprisingly, one reason men say they are willing to acquiesce in their spouses' wishes is that their wives usually have greater knowledge of the day-to-day activities and needs of the home than they do.

They trust their wives' choices the way they would any specialist's. But what is rather unexpected is the deeper (and much sweeter) reason men have for giving in to their wives: They want them to be happy, or at least they don't want to be responsible for making them unhappy.

The general consensus of sociologists is that, whereas a woman's marital satisfaction is dependent on a combination of economic, emotional and psychological realities, a man's marital satisfaction is most determined by one factor: how happy his wife is. When she is happy, he is. Working within this framework, most husbands are unwilling to dig in their heels on any issue unless they have a tremendous incentive to do so.

More than anything, this sentiment shows the silliness inherent in the brand of feminism that belittles full-time motherhood by constantly worrying about the family balance of power. In most American marriages there is no struggle for supremacy, because most of the husbands are all too happy to let their wives make, or at least share equally in, the decisions. This is an arrangement, according to the Pew poll, that satisfies the majority of couples. And if they're content with it, maybe feminists should be too.

Ms. Basham is the author of "Beside Every Successful Man: A Woman's Guide to Having It All," just released by Crown Forum.

**Dylan MacVillain** · 10th-October-2008

I have heard a lot of this before. Hearing it again just makes marriage even more unattractive. If a husband's happiness depends on catering to his wife's whims and fancies, how much freedom does he really have? I couldn't handled being a slave to someone else's emotions. No way. Where's the hypothetical "equality" in that?

What's more, even non-feminist women can still be quite feminized due to heavy brainwashing in Western culture for the last several decades. As much as I want to marry and have kids, I would have to find a really exceptional woman before I would do so. It's bad enough listing to all the misandry on TV and in society in general. To have to deal with it at home and be legally bound to it for life would be unbearable. As the saying goes, the longest sentence in the English language is "I do."

**paul parmenter** · 10th-October-2008

This is the most telling part of the article:

"Across all decision-making realms, it tilts to the woman," noted Rich Morin, the Pew study's lead author. "I was surprised by the percentage of men who made none of the decisions in any of the areas. A significant percentage were just bystanders." Not surprisingly, one reason men say they are willing to acquiesce in their spouses' wishes is that their wives usually have greater knowledge of the day-to-day activities and needs of the home than they do.

They trust their wives' choices the way they would any specialist's. But what is rather unexpected is the deeper (and much sweeter) reason men have for giving in to their wives: They want them to be happy, or at least they don't want to be responsible for making them unhappy.

The general consensus of sociologists is that, whereas a woman's marital satisfaction is dependent on a combination of economic, emotional and psychological realities, a man's marital satisfaction is most determined by one factor: how happy his wife is. When she is happy, he is. Working within this framework, most husbands are unwilling to dig in their heels on any issue unless they have a tremendous incentive to do so."

Of course, that is one way of putting it. The sugar-coated version.

Scrape the sugar off and you might see a very different picture: that husbands know that if they don't acquiesce in their wives' decisions, their lives are going to be made a misery. Because that is the real power women wield: the ability to nag a man to bits, prevent him from ever being able to relax, and to make his home a place of mental pain. With the ultimate female weapon of mass destruction lined up behind it: divorce.

For most relationships, the threat alone is enough, and the man just falls into line.

The best a man can do is never to put himsef in such a hole.

Don't marry, or you will be joining the ranks of "sweet" husbands whose happiness is entirely in thrall to that of a woman.

**Incognito** · 10th-October-2008

Interesting article. Women have been making the majority of household purchasing decisions since before the advent of the feminist movement. Another feminist argument bites the dust.

**Feckless** · 10th-October-2008

Excactly really a great one. Thank you Percy!

**Garak** · 10th-October-2008

The general consensus of sociologists is that, whereas a woman's marital satisfaction is dependent on a combination of economic, emotional and psychological realities, a man's marital satisfaction is most determined by one factor: how happy his wife is. When she is happy, he is.

You folks know what this says to me, don't you?

**christianj** · 10th-October-2008

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=7qoOgy3zMd8

**Incognito** · 10th-October-2008

Quote from Garak

You folks know what this says to me, don't you?

Women don't belong in the workforce?

**Garak** · 10th-October-2008

Quote from TERA

Women don't belong in the workforce?

Women are selfish.

While men are concerned about womens happiness, women put a mans happiness on the bottom of (if at all) their priority list.

When she is happy, he is.

Interesting isn't it?

**Incognito** · 10th-October-2008

Garak,

I don't suppose you would give this idea any consideration at all:

Quote: "one reason men say they are willing to acquiesce in their spouses' wishes is that their wives usually have greater knowledge of the day-to-day activities and needs of the home than they do."

**Garak** · 10th-October-2008

Quote from TERA

Garak,

I don't suppose you would give this idea any consideration at all:

Quote: "one reason men say they are willing to acquiesce in their spouses' wishes is that their wives usually have greater knowledge of the day-to-day activities and needs of the home than they do."

What does that have to do with "His top priority is to make her happy, but hers is not to make him happy."

**Dylan MacVillain** · 10th-October-2008

Quote from TERA

Garak,

I don't suppose you would give this idea any consideration at all:

Quote: "one reason men say they are willing to acquiesce in their spouses' wishes is that their wives usually have greater knowledge of the day-to-day activities and needs of the home than they do."

One thing that the author neglected to do was get into specifics. She just talked about generalities. What types of decisions are we talking about?
Where to go on vacation?
Whever to home educate the children?
How to discipline the kids?
Whether to go organic?
Which church to attend?
How much to spend on presents?
Whether the husband wears boxers or briefs?
Home decorations?
What TV programs the children are permitted to watch?

The authoress didn't get into specifics and presented a very matriarchal view of marriage.

Paul Parmenter is spot on when he says husbands are controlled with the threat of divorce (and everything that accompanies it). The state has stepped into the marriage and subverted the man's leadership role in the family.

**Incognito** · 10th-October-2008

Quote from Garak

What does that have to do with "His top priority is to make her happy, but hers is not to make him happy."

Did it ever occur to you that maybe men not having to deal with that responsibility (the household purchasing decisions) on top of the ones they already have outside the home, makes them happy? Are you saying that men don't profit at all from this?

**Garak** · 10th-October-2008

Quote from TERA

Did it ever occur to you that maybe men not having to deal with that responsibility (the household purchasing decisions) on top of the ones they already have outside the home, makes them happy? Are you saying that men don't profit at all from this?

No.

Let us remember TERA, I am a man and you are not. I am more qualified to talk of what makes men happy than you are.

A household where a man has to compete with his wife for control causes chaos. Most just decide to let her have control in the name of peace. Looking at the current state of marriage and divorce, we can see how well that works!

**Incognito** · 10th-October-2008

How do you know I'm not a man? Maybe Percy's was right when he speculated that for all you know I could be a 300-pound tattooed hairy truck driver from Louisiana.

For all you know, this could be me: