They're male, single and not your stereotype: Meet the empowered single man

Marx · #1 28th-January-2008

They're male, single and not your stereotype: Meet the empowered single man

Quote:

At 57, winemaker Bull Gulvin has never been married and has no such plans in the works.
He's not a mama's boy or a playboy. Instead, the Columbia, Pa., resident calls himself a "realist" for remaining single. "There aren't many really compelling reasons to get married anymore," Gulvin says.

Winemaker Bill Gulvin samples some wine. Gulvin has never been married and has no such plans in the works. THE ASSOCIATED PRESS/John Zeedick

A lot of attention gets paid to single women, who can cheer themselves with chick flicks, self-help books and shows like "Sex and the City," which aim to empower female consumers to think of singledom as independence or self-reliance.
But this Valentine's Day, it's worth noting: Men can be single and fabulous, too.
While single women have seemingly banded together to change their image in the popular culture, there's been no such battle cry for men, who have a whole different set of stereotypes to fight: They're confirmed bachelors, James Bond-style playboys, cranky old men or gay.
None of this is helped by the fact that married men live longer, or by the common notion that men need a woman's touch to perform household tasks like cooking, decorating or doing their laundry.
But some proud, single men say they're better off alone.
"A man is a sperm bank, a meal ticket, a handyman and an early retirement plan," Gulvin says. For those reasons and others, he has decided to go through life without committing to one romantic relationship.
Both men and women are staying single longer, as the median marriage age rises. In 2006, 33 per cent of men in their early 30s had never been married, compared to 29 per cent of women, according to Census numbers in the United States.
Experts say society still favours married men over their single counterparts, though. The most common complaints come from the workplace, where many say they are discriminated against.
"Especially as you approach your mid-30s and 40s and all your colleagues around you are married, there's a lot of unsaid words that go on and feelings of inadequacy at work," says Sherri Langburt, founder of the new website SingleEdition.com, an online community for happy singles.
Those include speculation about a single man's sexual preferences and, concomitantly, a difficulty in making friends with heterosexual co-workers because colleagues might question his motives.
Single men often say they are asked to work on holidays, put in longer hours or travel more for business. Employers often assume that without a spouse, unwed workers have extra time to spare, says Nicky Grist, executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project. That organization is for people who choose not to marry or cannot legally marry.
Particularly in the powerful worlds of business and politics, it's often all about appearances and presenting oneself as a stable man with a solid foundation, Grist says.
"Part of that expectation probably still stems from the idea that in order to completely fulfil your role as a leader in this business or policy setting, you need the support of a family and most often wife," she says.
Jihad Saleh, a Mexican-African-American Muslim in Washington, D.C., says he has faced unique cultural pressures for recently "coming out of the closet" about wanting to be single for the rest of his life.
On the one hand, his religion puts immense pressure on young people to wed, he says. "Within the Muslim community, it is kind of a semi-taboo to admit that you want to be single. ... There's something wrong with that to them," says Saleh, who is a legislative assistant to a New York congressman.
Saleh, 33, was dating a Muslim woman whose parents didn't approve of him because of his ethnic background, he says. They broke up, which led to his proclamation of lifelong singleness.
He has started a network called "Happily Single in the Muslim Community!" and hosts online groups on Facebook and Meetup.com.
As an African-American, Saleh also feels a "social responsibility" to parent an African-American boy over the age of four or five, a group that he says are very rarely adopted and often shuffled between foster homes. He realizes that as a single man, such an already challenging adoption will be particularly difficult.
But Saleh is committed above all to his singleness. "I am an extrovert to a friend, but I've kind of learned that balance, where I don't feel like I have to be with someone all the time," he says.
Of course, not all unattached men want to stay that way. The popular online dating site e-harmony says it had trouble attracting men when it first launched in 2000, but has seen a notable increase in interest.
"It seems like there has been a real social shift among men, and that being committed does seem to be cool these days," says J. Galen Buckwalter, vice-president of research and development.
He says there's growing emphasis in our culture on the value of fatherhood and longterm relationships.
Even Scott Baio, star of the VH1 reality show "Scott Baio is 45 ... And Single" is finally settling down for the long haul. And a new reality show on Bravo, "The Millionaire Matchmaker," features dozens of wealthy singles who are looking for everlasting love, even though they could afford to be playing the field for the rest of their lives.
But coupledom isn't for everybody.
Gulvin says he goes out with women, has many friends, a job he enjoys and a loyal cat waiting for him at home at the end of the day. He has no interest in having children and doesn't want to fall in love.
"I don't like the feeling. I find it to be pretty neurotic and dysfunctional," he says. "All you have to do is listen to country-western love songs (if) you want to hear about dysfunctional, co-dependent love relationships."

**bachelor tom** · #2 28th-January-2008

I agree with a lot of this. There is still subtle pressure at work to have a 'normal' lifestyle, more from women who see single guys as suspect (unmanageable?). The married guys sometimes express envy.

As a bachelor I have done lots of shifts for people at Christmas and in the summer. I used to work weekends and evenings.

I never planned to be single. I always accepted the idea that marriage would be better for my health and happiness. Many of my boomer contemporaries have been divorced at least once. If I have to pick between a lopsided and possibly ruinous relationship, and my own company, there's no contest.

There is a stereotype that bachelors are Peter Pans, stuck in juvenile irresponsibility. I may not have 'achieved' as much as I would have with a wife supporting and urging me, but at the same time I have had to look after myself in all ways, with no-one to lean on.

And there have been successful bachelors in history, people like Leonardo da Vinci and Isaac Newton (Beethoven?). I'm not ashamed of my status.

**Percy** · #3 29th-January-2008

Quote:

Experts say society still favours married men over their single counterparts, though.

Ex - has been: Spurt - a drip under pressure.

'Society' needs married men as scapegoats, to be calumnied at every turn: to be cast as incompetent dorks who cannot survive without a smart, sassy, 'expert' wife who saves his arse and tells him off all the time.

Officialdom needs married men to justify their Policies of 'containment', generally via thugs in blue; to cast as violent, abusive, oppressors and therefore to funnel funds to feminasty NGOs.

Above all, women need married men so that they can have personal practice at hand to demean and subject to psychological damage to make up for all the angst they suffered at the hands of their own female playground playmates.

Quote:

Destroying a person's reputation is a very common passive-aggressive tactic that girls learn how to use fairly early in life, and typically it starts during their adolescent "girlfriend wars" when they employ it against their rival females.

Starting rumors, social ostracism, shunning, shaming, using friendship as a weapon, getting a third party to do your dirty work, making false accusations -- these are all tools in the psychological arsenal -- which are refined and perfected to be used later on in relationship wars with men.

The genius of this kind of emotional terrorism is that the perpetrator can always claim innocence, being uninvolved or being misunderstood, yet the predatory power-and-control aims are achieved.

Corporate sexual harassment policies are a good example of the psychological coercion of big-girl culture built on the ever-present threats of innuendo and hearsay.

The best read on this subject is Rachel Simmon's "Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls."

Of course, it goes without saying that not all women are like this; however, they all know the tricks of the trade and have the capacity to use them if necessary.

FFFF · #4 29th-January-2008

Marraige.. its been ruined by the state.. No longer has much to reccommend it unless one is young enough to survive the divorce that is likely to follow and come out the other side still able to feel like their is a future!

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They're male, single and not your stereotype: Meet the empowered single man

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