I apologise, readers, for not updating my blog recently. I always have a number of things to say on a broad range of subjects, but I do not always take the time to commit them to written form. At times I wish I could transfer my analysis and musings to an acceptable medium with nothing more than a thought, but such technology does not exist.
One could conceivably consider himself fortunate to not have read updates from me, for my thoughts have grown increasingly dark of late. Neither life nor my assessment of it have improved.
I do have my degree, but I do not feel vindicated. As a matter of fact, since my time in university was coming to an end, the old disappointments and resentments rose to the surface with renewed intensity to couple with the new. All I have to show for my academic distinctions are student loan payments. In one month's time, I will participate in commencement exercises, but I am attending more for the sake of family than my own.
The fact I have much erudition but am stuck for the moment in a low-paying, high-stress retail job certainly does not agree with me. To be frank, I find it insulting, since I am capable of being much more than some grunt at the bottom of the company ladder dealing with the usual nonsense I have no control over.
I have been seeking other employment, but so far it has been fruitless. In my field, software development, every employer wants years of professional experience in many different languages and technologies. I have broad knowledge and sufficient aptitude, but all I merit from companies is "thank you for your interest, but we are pursuing other candidates." It is hard to be motivated when it seems ever so much like the last job search before I secured my current situation. The only significant difference is I have a four-year degree.
My 26 years in this world have not been well-spent. I resent many things, but I resent myself most of all. I simply do not measure up to my own standards, and I am certainly not inclined to "admit defeat" and consequently lower them. When I look in the mirror, I see the author of my destruction, the shell of a man who could have become "someone" but presently withers on the vine. I simply cannot overlook my uselessness, my failure.