Respect the contributions of fathers!

[Incognito]

I'm taking an online college course called "Contemporary Family" and just this week our class was asked to post responses to an article regarding fatherhood and fathers' involvement in their kids' lives. The article upset me in a number of different ways, but I think what upset me most was the implication that fathers can't or won't be involved in their kids' lives unless teachers and mothers "push them" to become more involved.

My post (which will be seen by many in the virtual classroom):
Interesting article but I have a couple of problems with it. It said that fathers often don't know how to connect with their children once the children develop beyond their infancy and toddler years. I think this is a harmful myth. Personally, I think the myth that fathers aren't or can't be as loving, nurturing, or supportive to their children is more harmful than the reality, and may, when believed by society, be the cause of self-fulfilling prophecies. The reality is that most fathers ARE loving, supportive and nurturing. They express their concern, love and support in a number of different ways. Often the ways that they do this are overlooked or ignored. I believe that it's vital for children to have the involvement of their fathers in their lives whenever and however possible. I think it's important that parents who are divorced work together in a constructive, positive way to make sure that fathers (when they are non-custodial parents) get to see and spend time with their kids as much as possible. I believe that we need to be careful not to pass judgment on the way a father interacts with his children. What he does to show his love and involvement may be different than what a mother does (not always is this the case), and we need to realize that involvement comes in many different forms, all of which can be very valuable for the health and development of the child. All too often divorced parents hold grudges against one another and use their children as pawns against each other in bitter disputes. I think it's vitally important to remember that these actions hurt the well-being of children. Not all parents do this, of course, but many do. They ask children to take sides in their arguments, or they talk badly about the non-custodial parent to the child. They may restrict visitation for reasons that have nothing to do with protecting the child's well-being. I think these things are very, very sad, for the entire family.

There are many more stay-at-home dads and dads with full custody of their kids than there used to be. Slowly society is coming to terms with the fact that sometimes the kids really are better off living with their fathers than they are their mothers. Family court judges are starting to dig deeper, and starting challenge the idea that custody must always be given to the mother regardless of the situation. I think it's important to support fathers who are supporting their kids. Involve and invite fathers to participate in classroom activities. Take the time to get to know them. Keep an open mind about their roles and their commitment to their children. Don't create negative self-fulfilling prophecies by buying into age-old myths and stereotypes about the parenting abilities of men. They are outstanding parents who are often not given nearly enough credit for what they do. By making classrooms father-friendly, we encourage men to become even more involved in their kids' lives- a positive thing for the entire family.

[KellyMac]

I hope you have a convenient foxhole, Tera. The flack is going to start soon - and you didn't even emphasize the mothers who keep their children from their fathers!!

I'm very interested in what happens. Please keep us posted.

[Incognito]

I hope you have a convenient foxhole, Tera. The flack is going to start soon - and you didn't even emphasize the mothers who keep their children from their fathers!!

I'm very interested in what happens. Please keep us posted.

I'm preparing for the fallout...lol

This online class is comprised of all women, one man. The teacher is also a woman. We'll see how it goes...as part of the assignment is for others to respond to these posts. I'll let you know what happens! I'm interested, too, to see the comments/responses.

[Incognito]

Ah...first response to come in so far:

yet another great post...

I agree with your statements. Fathers are more actively involved in the lives of their children than at any other time I can recall. When I was a child fathers did not go in to the delivery room, change diapers or volunteer in the classroom. Now days I see fathers with their babies in a front pack, actively involved in the classroom, and often being a single parent.

It is nice to see men take on a different role than their fathers.

[Incognito]

Second response to come in so far:

I agree with you! Great insight. Fatherhood has some stereotypes that we need to break through that. Our society and individual family feeding this fatherhood stereo types. However, I find it positive to have fatherhood conversation because it shows accepting diversity in our society.
I work at Parent cooperative preschool and two out of eight families has father being full time care takers and they are loving and caring poeple I have ever met. Parents take turn to be my assistants and they make great contribution for gender and diverse aducation for our kids. Childcare bussiness tend to have more female than man and I would like to have equal gender role oppotunities for children.
Once my husband and I adopt a baby, he will be a primary caretaker for next year. I think that is really cool.

[Incognito]

I know, only two responses have come in so far, but it looks encouraging. Most of the people taking this class are people who are getting a degree in early childhood education. The majority of these will become pre-school teachers. I think it's awesome that so far, (I know it's too soon yet to tell), that my post is getting positive responses from people who will eventually be teaching our kids!

These posts are seen/read by people in countries as far away as Belgium and Japan. Not all students in this class are US citizens. (Though the majority are). The second response I posted was from a woman living in Japan. (Hence, the difficulty reading her post. Her english is not perfect, but I think you'll be able to understand it.)

This encouraging!

[julie]

You tell em' Tera. Good on you.

This is not myth only. This is intellectual people trying to work out the problem. They only have minimal imput into their studies.

Or maybe it is ideology. Maybe men are considered the perpetrators no matter how you look at something.

If you get the chance, tell them that community groups that aren't feminised see it a different way. Tell them that they see fathers being pushed out of their children's lives. And they see bias in the Family Courts and that it is rare for fathers to be given day to day care because the courts have policies that mothers are to be given day to day care unless they are too out of control.

Use the court case of ..what's her name, you know, the singer who has been through the courts recently and in rehab and in hospital.

Look how many chances she got. The FC will bend over backwards for the mother to have control. And the mothers blackmail the fathers, and the mothers want help one minute then put down the father when he makes the right decisions the next.

Here in NZ, we wouldn't have half the young pregnant and in gangs if the fathers were given fights.

BTW, judges are not looking deeper. It is because women are not interested in their children. Or they refuse to get help with drug addiction. Judges don't want to give the fathers day to day care.

I know of a case a few months back where the mother is dying and her new boyfriend doesn't give a toss about the little daughter. The father was more than willing to take the child. Said he would pay for the child to visit the mum regularly. Even the Psychologist report suggested the daughter would be better off with the father.

The judge said the child shall stay with the mother so that the father can help the mother out financially through child support. Believe me, FC is not about 'the best interest of the child', it is about the best interest of the mother and child.

[Incognito]

I know, Julie...you are right about all of that...there is much more for these people to know (and for myself to learn, I'm sure)- but I'm planting some seeds in people's minds...and hopefully they will grow.

[knight-errant]

Ah...first response to come in so far:

yet another great post...

I agree with your statements. Fathers are more actively involved in the lives of their children than at any other time I can recall. When I was a child fathers did not go in to the delivery room, change diapers or volunteer in the classroom. Now days I see fathers with their babies in a front pack, actively involved in the classroom, and often being a single parent.

It is nice to see men take on a different role than their fathers.

Inference being that previous generations of fathers should have been more involved? I think you'll find they were too busy working themselves to death for their families. Seriously, this stuff jumps out at me now. I can't not see it.

[Incognito]

Inference being that previous generations of fathers should have been more involved? I think you'll find they were too busy working themselves to death for their families. Seriously, this stuff jumps out at me now. I can't not see it.

Agreed....this person missed the point I was trying to make when I said that fathers may contribute their love and support (working hard to support the family financially) in different ways than mothers do. Maybe I should have been more clear in my post.

[knight-errant]

Agreed....this person missed the point I was trying to make when I said that fathers may contribute their love and support (working hard to support the family financially) in different ways than mothers do. Maybe I should have been more clear in my post.

I just wish I could go back to not seeing, you know? It's a real burden to be aware of what's going on.

[Incognito]

I just wish I could go back to not seeing, you know? It's a real burden to be aware of what's going on.

I understand what you mean. The burden is heavy for those who are aware...as it falls upon them to bring this awareness to others, if ever there is to be a change. But look at it this way....you all have helped to educate me on men's issues, and from that education (which is still in progress), I have been able to reach out to others with the knowledge and awareness that you have given me. From there, it will spread. Once a fruitful seed is planted, with care it will grow. Your burden is lessened every time you reach out to enlighten someone else. The fruits of your labor you may never know the entire impact of, yet undoubtedly there is an impact, and it goes further than you might imagine.

[knight-errant]

I understand what you mean. The burden is heavy for those who are aware...as it falls upon them to bring this awareness to others, if ever there is to be a change. But look at it this way....you all have helped to educate me on men's issues, and from that education (which is still in progress), I have been able to reach out to others with the knowledge and awareness that you have given me. From there, it will spread. Once a fruitful seed is planted, with care it will grow. Your burden is lessened every time you reach out to enlighten someone else. The fruits of your labor you may never know the entire impact of, yet undoubtedly there is an impact, and it goes further than you might imagine.

Thanks TERA. It helps to think some good is coming from it

[julie]

I just wish I could go back to not seeing, you know? It's a real burden to be aware of what's going on.

To me, this is the saddest part. The child within men like yourself is destroyed by this knowledge. It sure is a heavy burden to carry.

I see it in the faces of men on the ground who have been in this for decades.

Hmmm, so how do we bring that child back to life?????

[knight-errant]

To me, this is the saddest part. The child within men like yourself is destroyed by this knowledge. It sure is a heavy burden to carry.

I see it in the faces of men on the ground who have been in this for decades.

Hmmm, so how do we bring that child back to life?????

Seeing the contributions of the good women on this site helps. I've been in a depression for some time though. I just see misandry everywhere, like a dull throbbing pain. None of the men (or women for that matter) on this site volunteered to be unplugged in this way. It's a very unnatural way to live, I think to be so acutely aware of hatred all around. But this is what the world has come to really.

I wish I didn't care so much. That's where the pain comes from.