Mind if I vent?

[onegirl]

Seems every time we see my husband's child he tells us one more thing that makes us want to slap the ex...

This weekend I was asking him about his two little brothers (2 and 10 months). He said that the two year old was really cute... And then he says "I have a really loud house. There is a lot of yelling. So, D (the two year old) picks up on things he hears a lot. He has picked up on the phrase "B, SHUT UP" and now whenever I say something he says "B, SHUT UP"... (B is my step). WTH??? So my husband says "Is "B, SHUT UP" something you hear a lot of in your house"? And his son says "Well, yes. No so much anymore"...(trying now to cover for Mom).

So, it is CUTE in their house for a two year old to tell his 12 year old brother to SHUT UP. NICE!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I know this is minor stuff to what some of you are going through. But it still pisses me off...

Dumb ass bitch.

Also, he is an amazing kid when it comes to saving his allowance, birthday money, etc. However, his mother will not allow him to buy anything over $200... Even though the poor kid has been saving for years for some bike parts he wants, an XBox 360, etc. She won't let him buy anything big. So we told him that any money he gets from our side of the family he can keep here and then buy whatever he wants. But he says that won't work because his mother will just send what he buys right back to us.

What a control freak.

I am so proud of him for being so good at budgeting and saving... Why can't she just let go and give him some space? He is not a baby anymore...

And again, he just started school and he had already been late many times. Last year he was late for school 39 times in the first half of the year... Does not seem like this year is going to be any better...

[Percy]

Vent away, Onegirl. It must be very frustrating.

If there is one semi-positive thing that comes out of divorce and the blending of families it is that women get an insight into what it is like to have a wife. Not all pleasant, is it.

[onegirl]

Originally Posted by Percy

Vent away, Onegirl. It must be very frustrating.

If there is one semi-positive thing that comes out of divorce and the blending of families it is that women get an insight into what it is like to have a wife. Not all pleasant, is it.

Well, my husband was never married to his ex but I get the point. I don't know how men put up with women. I am SO glad I am not a lesbian.

[christianj]

I am suprised as well..

[Percy]

I don't know how men put up with women

I put it down to nature playing a cruel trick. Love has a lot to answer for. It is a balancing act of course, and it cuts both ways. How do men put up with women? A lot of effort and understanding is needed ! The same goes for women putting up with men. These days though, it seems that it has to be all one way.

[onegirl]

Originally Posted by christianj

I am suprised as well..

What is surprising...

[onegirl]

Originally Posted by Percy

I put it down to nature playing a cruel trick. Love has a lot to answer for. It is a balancing act of course, and it cuts both ways. How do men put up with women? A lot of effort and understanding is needed ! The same goes for women putting up with men. These days though, it seems that it has to be all one way.

I don`t have any problem `putting up` with my husband. He gives me so much and troubles me very little...

Putting up with his ex, though... I do have to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil and stress relating to that. But it is circumstantial...

If I were to remarry I would never consider a guy with kids, to be perfectly honest. It`s too hard. But that is not my husband`s `fault`.

[TERA]

I've been racking my brain to think of just one instance where a divorced person and his newest wife (or a divorced person and her newest husband) is a big fan of "the ex." Can't think of one.

Must be frustrating for the children, particularly, because in many cases each household (the one that has primary custody, and the one that does not) has different sets of rules, values, and behaviors which are acceptable and those that are not. The children have to learn how to cope and survive in each household. This must be even more challenging when the two different sets of values, morals, and beliefs are in conflict with each other. What is also true of children is that they soak up their parent's perceptions like a sponge soaks up water. If there is animosity between households, the children know it. They are affected strongly by it.

Having a step child is challenging. Being a step child is challenging.

[onegirl]

Originally Posted by TERA

I've been racking my brain to think of just one instance where a divorced person and his newest wife (or a divorced person and her newest husband) is a big fan of "the ex." Can't think of one.

Must be frustrating for the children, particularly, because in many cases each household (the one that has primary custody, and the one that does not) has different sets of rules, values, and behaviors which are acceptable and those that are not. The children have to learn how to cope and survive in each household. This must be even more challenging when the two different sets of values, morals, and beliefs are in conflict with each other. What is also true of children is that they soak up their parent's perceptions like a sponge soaks up water. If there is animosity between households, the children know it. They are affected strongly by it.

Having a step child is challenging. Being a step child is challenging.

I agree with all of what you have said. It is not "natural" for families to be "blended". It sucks for everyone involved.

And the two families could not possibly be any more different in how we think about pretty much EVERYTHING.

[Percy]

This must be even more challenging when the two different sets of values, morals, and beliefs are in conflict with each other

'Beliefs' are accorded far more value than they deserve. Many people are possessed by their beliefs rather than possessing them.

'Beliefs' are established fairly early on and are usually immature and based on a lack of understanding. Do you follow the beliefs of 14 year olds? How old were you when you first held this or that belief? They need to be 'put in their place' and not allowed to dominate.

They need periodic revision, and culling. On the Road of Life we carry backpacks full of useless, but heavy, beliefs.

Values are emotionally based. We value what is 'in our interest', usually a selfish interest. A value which excludes others is worth less than one which includes others but produces a conrtadictory sense.

Morals ought to be the same for all mature adults. Unfortunately few people reach adulthood and mature adults are rare, though remarkable beings.

Morals are navigation directions on the sea of life. They are 'discovered' or learned. Unfortunately, today, people 'believe' that they can make up whatever morals they want. 'Good' is defined by what it 'feels' like. God help us all.

[Garak]

Originally Posted by Percy

'Beliefs' are accorded far more value than they deserve. Many people are possessed by their beliefs rather than possessing them.

'Beliefs' are established fairly early on and are usually immature and based on a lack of understanding. Do you follow the beliefs of 14 year olds? How old were you when you first held this or that belief? They need to be 'put in their place' and not allowed to dominate.

They need periodic revision, and culling. On the Road of Life we carry backpacks full of useless, but heavy, beliefs.

Values are emotionally based. We value what is 'in our interest', usually a selfish interest. A value which excludes others is worth less than one which includes others but produces a conrtadictory sense.

Morals ought to be the same for all mature adults. Unfortunately few people reach adulthood and mature adults are rare, though remarkable beings.

Morals are navigation directions on the sea of life. They are 'discovered' or learned. Unfortunately, today, people 'believe' that they can make up whatever morals they want. 'Good' is defined by what it 'feels' like. God help us all.

You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything (read liberal).

[Stan]

Originally Posted by onegirl

I don`t have any problem `putting up` with my husband. He gives me so much and troubles me very little...Putting up with his ex, though... I do have to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil and stress relating to that. But it is circumstantial...If I were to remarry I would never consider a guy with kids, to be perfectly honest. It`s too hard. But that is not my husband`s `fault`.

I know that you are a good person and care about your husband's prior children.

Note that you are seeing for yourself what men go through.

And know that although you do care, there is likely LESS emotional stress than the parent of those kids experiences when crap like you have mentioned occurs.

You are in the "Second Wife" category. What will REALLY aggravate you (judging from having spoken to many S.W.s) is when you and your husband raise a new family. Especially if YOUR kids now have to face economic challenges due to the prior kids (who might not even be your husband's) keep having more and more money sent to them. I have spoken to some women that are just livid that Family Court keeps sending more and more money (which is not truly needed) to the first wife for those kids. And then seeing the first wife having her house renovated or hearing about the 3 week exotic vacation somewhere while you need to budget more carefully and cannot do such things.

I am not saying that is your situation but it is very common.

I mean you go to Family Court and the Judge lectures you that more money is needed, but access blocking and bad parenting or worse is ignored...in the "Best Interest Of The Child". The trouble is the first kid's best interest overweighs the new kids best interest since less can be done for them in many cases.

You can be a very powerful advocate for Family Court change as you will be considered more credible when talking about "men's" issues. Since you are less emotionally involved than the blood relatives and female.