An important landmark in my life

[Marx]

First of all, I need want to say thank you to a fellow AM member here who gave me an hour of his time yesterday when I was very, very low given situations I am currently going through, of which I can't fully detail here.

I won't name him as I know he tends to shy away from fame and such.

Anyway, I've been down for a while about my own father.. I don't know him. I only knew a few stories and a couple of my own memories. That changed tonight.

On recommendation (in conjunction with my own thoughts about the subject) I finally got around to phoning him and asking for a 'real' talk. We talked. For real. It was, let's say, an enlightening discussion. I can't really detail the full contents but suffice to say I'm left feeling a lot better after our chats.

I'd always had a feeling I was of little to no importance to him. I realise my mother played parential alienation, but hadn't quite realised how much. I recalled my two main memories of him, one being where I was about 4 and the other where I was about 8-9. He went on to tell me of a memory he had. I knew what he was talking about, but I had no idea he was there when it happened. At about the age of 3 or 4, a neighbour and myself had used our brick shed as a play spaceship.. we hung our legs over the edge and for some unknown reason, the little shit next door to me thought it would be highly interesting to see how quickly I could hit the ground. I recall the sensation of being pushed and the sensation of falling, seeing the ground getting closer and closer, screaming and thinking "oh goodness, this might hurt" (paraphrased). I don't know what happened next - turns out, my dad does.

He was in the kitchen window, visiting, and saw me falling, heard the screaming and came out to find me gushing blood from my head (yeah, yeah, I know, it explains a lot about me today - there, beat ya to it!). He then got hold of a neighbour to take me and him to hospital. I don't recall any of this - I guess because of the fact that my head was half caved in.

Why this came as a shock to me is because while I had always remembered this from my own viewpoint in my memory, my mother had told me a partial truth about it.. she'd said only that when it happened a neighbour had taken me to hospital - she'd made no mention of my father's involvement.

He went on to tell me other things that had happened. He himself was quite angry because while he was living away from the area, members of the family had not informed him of any particular events... seems everyone lost track. When my sister and I were put into foster care, no one had told him for several years.

I was right about some conclusions I'd drawn myself over the years, but wrong about some other things. I had always assumed that my mother went... mad, for lack of a better word, when she found my brother asphixiated in his cot - as let's face it, anyone who found their baby with a tongue hanging out, eyes bulging and a purple head, would go fucking insane on the inside with the sheer true horror of their findings. I defy anyone to deny that.

It turns out though, her tempers were not displayed only after this tragic event. He told me of a time he went to work and one of his friend's asked him "What you done to your neck?" As is so typical of we men, he claimed to have had an accident and twisted it a bit. Another friend turned to him quietly and asked "And who twisted your neck?", already knowing the answer. He was taken to the local hospital where the nurse asked what she'd hit him with - and he answered "the poker stick". Then he explained the poker stick. It was one he had had purpose made for her rather than just a standard one from the shops. I knew of the poker story. Mom had told me he had chased her around the house with it. I guess it slipped her mind to mention that she'd first tried wrapping it around his neck. Listening to him, I realised that I actually got off lightly with only her shoes & a garden cane being used as her weapons.

I know when she passed away, and God Rest Her Soul, my sister and I asked many of the people who turned up whether our father really was the bad guy she'd told us he was. Just about every single one of them said the same answer, "They were as bad as each other". I realise it was perhaps not the best time to ask people, and I daresay most felt completely awkward - but we needed answers, and I'm glad to say I believe those we asked were honest with us and had the insight to realise we were not looking to demonize our mother but just wanted to know the facts behind the claims.

Even now, I do not want to demonize my mom or speak only bad of her, she was a bad tempered woman and made so many mistakes that all cost her dearly.. she lost her husband, her children, her grandchildren and many friends who we never saw in her life until the day of the funeral. She was a very unfortunate, tortured soul. And I genuinely pray she has a better after-life than she had here on this shit-can we call Earth.

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because of a few reasons. We need to do this, no matter how hard it might be to make the confrontation to our absent parents. We need to share these stories to spread a little hope for those who have been in this situation and are wanting to do it but don't know how OR don't want to make the first step, perhaps reading this can prompt them into a change of direction for the better. With any luck, it may even change someone's life for the better too. I also need to write this because it's my way of letting the MRA I mentiond above know his words did something for me and had an impact that helped to uplift me, enabling me to do what I needed to do. And I write this because many weights were lifted from my shoulders in doing this.

I didn't get to ask him all the questions I wanted to, they can wait for later times. I was lucky, I had a foster dad who helped fill a gap in my life that I was aware from a very young age. I don't know WHY precisely having a father (or mother) is so important to me nor why it would feel that way from such a young age... but it certainly is. My foster dad, while a fantastic support over the years and still in touch with me to this day, it's just not 'quite' the same, it doesn't fill the gap properly. It's like putting a square peg in a round hole. Sure, it patches up the most of the hole and cuts a lot of the draught out, but it doesn't do a full job.. I'm now hoping I can begin working on this relationship and filling those small gaps that cause me such - well, problems that haunt my mind often when all I want is sleep.

[daddy 3 legs]

I'm sure your father should be very proud of your achievements, if only as the long sufferring webmaster of the only place that tackles misandry head on..

I hope you have many more good communications with your father over the years.

My own dad never really got round to explaining much to me regards his behavior, much of which was not particularly good to say the least..

Our chats over the last year of his life helped a bit, I got to understand his frustrations with my mother, his work and society as a whole and that helped..

It seemed to me that he saw his life as something of a game, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and his life certainly had many great ups and downs..

But he left this earth on a low ebb, prematurely, and he never managed to tie up any of the loose ends he should have dealt with, never managed to get beyond middle age and that resentment and anger that laid him low for his later years..

When you only have one parent left in the world, it is precious to you and you want the best relationship you can have with them for as long as you can..

Hope it goes well for you mate.. I'll not see my own dad again this side of the great divide, other than in my dreams, but its always good to hear of folks who get in touch with their earthly "maker"..

[Marx]

Thanks, Andy.

[julie]

Marx, thank-you sooooo much for sharing. You will get little comment because IMO people feel powerless. But it doesn't mean you haven't hit many of our hearts and memories. I too have a strange past with experiences I thought no one else would get. We are far more common than we are different.

With love, me

[Celtic Druid]

You reached out in the same manner which has formulated the ethos of this forum. You strived bravely forth despite the rejection that possibly faced you. You resolved years of confusion and hurt through picking up the phone. It's never going to be as it should be mate, but I wish you all the best in forging positive links with your father. I think this is linked to the loneliness xmas thread, some of us need not be so, if only we're not so stubborn and afraid of the unknown.

[Percy]

What a Sterling example. You reached out to a fellow MRA and found a difficult path. You took it even though as you said, "how hard it might be to make the confrontation to our absent parents". That was Courage.

It is a first step, perhaps, to a reconciliation with a Dad who is as frail and human as any of us. Things are often not all they seemed to a little lad.

Parents are not perfect as we want them to be. Even a 'mad' mum can be loved. It was her actions that were painful. We can forgive the sinner even when carrying the consequences of their sins. If we get pain from our thwarted expectations, we can reduce the pain by having a more realistic revision of those expectation.

[julie]

Parents are not perfect as we want them to be. Even a 'mad' mum can be loved. It was her actions that were painful. We can forgive the sinner even when carrying the consequences of their sins. If we get pain from our thwarted expectations, we can reduce the pain by having a more realistic revision of those expectation.

Yeah for sure. But we need to analyse the painful moments and equally give a positive for the neat, loving, helpful, caring, positive moments. Without these all children will be castrated from their parents.

[chevalier]

Dang Karl our histories are very similar. I was raised by a mother with issues and had an absent father.

I also found out that my mother was not honest about my father. My mother used weapons too. {Her favorites where glass ashtrays and spoons to the top of the head}.

I lived in a foster home as well. My foster dad was a fair man for the most part. He did have a tendancy to believe any lie my ex wife told but that is common for men from his generation.

My father called me once when I was in my mid or late 20's and sadly I rebuffed his attempts to reach out to me and I treated him poorly during the short telephone call.

He died a few years later from cancer. And in that same year my mother told me that I didn't need him any way and that she had kept him away because "She didn't think she needed a man to raise HER children." I wonder why I had so many step dads then.

I am glad you reached out to your father Karl. It is good to hear that someone out there is trying to give their dad a fair shake and listen to their side.

I dearly wish I had done that but I childishly let my anger get the better of me.

And now that I know the anger was unjustified it just makes my regrets worse.

I hope things get better for you.

I am reaching out two two of my own grown sons now who are reluctant to trust me because of the stories they have been told about me.

I pray that they are wiser than I was and give me the chance I didn't give my own father. But if not I guess I cannot blame them knowing what that anger is like.

Good luck to you my friend I hope it all works out for both you and your dad.

[julie]

Chev, how awesome you can write about your life.

I must write our workshop cause it's made for us.

[shaazam]

how indelible are our half forgotten formative years and just how completely they impact on our adult years - one way or another

[Yan Yan]

how indelible are our half forgotten formative years and just how completely they impact on our adult years - one way or another

Looking back, with newly opened eyes and the wisdom of hindsight, on the way that our mothers and fathers treated us, we gain a new and a wider perspective.

The younger members may rant and rave and post their videos. We've been there. We've confronted the demons, taken the losses and bought the T-shirt. And we are still around, with help from nobody. We are the survivors.

[Marx]

Dang Karl our histories are very similar. I was raised by a mother with issues and had an absent father.

I won't quote the entire post but I wanted to say that was a heart-felt story for me to read of. I pray you will have the opportunity to put right some wrongs. My kids aren't too dissimilar, they're not overly interested in me or my side of the family.. luckily, I'm close by and will always have an open ear for them, so if such a time should come - as long as I'm not already dead - I will be waiting and listening.

how indelible are our half forgotten formative years and just how completely they impact on our adult years - one way or another

This is perhaps the most sensible post I've ever read from you. I really appreciate it.

[KellyMac]

That's heartening to hear, Karl.

I think when we get older and gain life experience, we are able to see more and more just how rare truly "black and white" situations are. We begin to get past some of the pain and resentment in our lives, and see our parents for what they were: human beings who no more got a manual when we were born than we did when our own children were born.

I've found that in my own life, when I was able to forgive my mother, and even feel some sympathy for her, I gained a great measure of peace. I'm grateful that I was able to tell her that I forgave her, although I'm not sure if she understood me as she was recovering from a massive stroke and the removal of part of her frontal lobe. She died not long after.

I'm also grateful that I had the chance to develop a relationship with my father during the last two years of his life. He wasn't absent while I was growing up, but my mother really didn't allow any of us any choices or opinions, and he worked A LOT. If you get what I mean.

I guess the point is, we all have demons to face, and none of us handle it very well 100% of the time. I'm really glad you have this chance with your dad.

[Marx]

Now that I'm on the road, legally, I'm hoping to go see him soon.. I'll have to renew my passport for that.