All i can,and i hope it help's some,i was in a similar situation when i was a boy,my mother tried too rubbish my Father,but somehow i stayed strong, because my Father stayed strong for me,he know's you love him and that you will be there for him,but try not to pump him for any information,he will tell you himself when he is ready,all you can and need to do,is do the thing's Father and son are supposed to do,and that he will remember,i know it is not much,sorry.

How old is he?

Is he old enough to get a lawyer?

Take him to do the things he loves... sports, fishing, climbing, going camping, adventures, disneyland and all of things that you have time to do in the short time you have him. Some things are out of your control and some things aren't. When you think back to your childhood what did you value from your father? I loved it when my Dad took me to football, and showed me how to fix a bike.

Those memories will always live with me, much more than any petit quarreling I heard between my parents, which I knew it was and basically ignored it. It is sad that she seems to want to poison him against you, and use him as a weapon but
I all too often hear this kind of story and it breaks my heart every time; but be strong and have faith that YOU KNOW your son loves you. You see it in his actions when he sees you and leaves you. NOTHING she can do will stop him loving his Dad, as long as what he sees and experiences are positive. When he gets older he will resent all of the rubbish his mother throws at him, and respect you for being above it. Honestly, forget her and just concentrate on giving him what he needs, his Dad's love and guidance...

@Daniel, thank you, I know and understand what you are saying. I was with my son and his grandmother(my mom) had asked him the other day, what do you like most about your dad? He responded, "My dad teaches me things." I really liked that response, because he didn't say, I like it when he buys me things or gives me money or lets me stay up late at might etc. His response showed me what you are trying to say Daniel. He appreciates the time I take to show him how the world and things work.
I hate the fact that my sons mom, tells him about the dealings in court and other adult issues regarding her. The boy is 7yrs old, he doesn't need to know things like how her boyfriend looks to internet sites for other women and such, but he says he brings mommy kleenex and helps her not be sad. I know this stuff is none of my buisiness but on the same coin, it is none of my sons buisiness either. The incident about my ex throwing a chair at the wall and leaving holes in it, seemed to have frightened him, and now him being told to lie and cover for my ex's bad behaviour just wants to send me into action. But I fear in the long run it will just worsen things, so your advice is sound and logic. Easy to say, harder to do than to let this slide and llok to long term. Essential none the less.

@conaill, I try not to "pump" him for info, these bits I get from him are usually stemming from me asking now his week went at school and at home and if he is behaving as he should and what activities did he do that he liked or disliked. I try my damnedest not to put words in his mouth and let him do the talking, and I most certainly don't ask him to spy for me as to the ex. I have no need to know of her except to know if my son is being treated the proper way. The only way I have of knowing this is by going by what I hear from him and looking for "signs" of character traits which may lead me to believe he is not being educated in the proper way. He is failing second grade and is on and off ADHD medication. This boy is the calmest kid I know, not ADHD in my book, but being a non-custodial visitor in my sons life, it is herd to implement any authority here. So I bow to you and what others are saying in letting things go and do my best to be the best I can be in this situation. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. LOL!! Thanx for reply.

My advice is that direct contact with your ex to make her accountable for her action is a "must not do" at any time. The only safe way to protect your children from an abusive mother is through the courts. Even though you do not have custody of the child you can request a restrain order against the mother to stop her doing certain things, especially if there is a new boyfriend involved. You can also report child abuse to the courts if the child lives in fear while in her custody, especially if she has a violent boyfriend. You can also informed social services of the facts you know. As they are duty bound to investigate every complaint of child abuse that will make your ex think twice before doing something stupid. However, do not rely too much on the results reached by social services, because here in the UK they are notoriously incompetent, biased, often controlled by feminists or, have a high degree of misandry in their pursuit of their duties.
You can also try the police, but they will not do anything unless a criminal action has been committed, such as violent behaviour or an assault on the child.

It is down to you to keep on top of things plus your child will remember how you help him out. Furthermore, under the current law, when your child reaches his/her sixteen birthday he has the right to choose to live with the parent of choice.

"You must not walk away from your rights"

NEVO

Hey it's no problem, we're all here to help

My brother is going through a similar thing at the moment, I've spoken about it a bit on this site if you want to check that out. He had his first visit on Saturday, and his daughter really enjoyed it. The 'mother' is still playing silly beggers, saying that "he can see her, but my mother and I (the girls uncle and grandma) can't" for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And then telling the girl that "daddy is gone because he said horrible things to mummy", when, in actual fact, she attacked him in front of everyone (all of the kids included). I have given him the same advice. The girl is 4, and like your son doesn't want or need to be involved in adult nonsense. It's such a shame that today women behave like this, and think it's ok, some can be so selfish it is unbelievable. Be strong my man, it will all come good in the end...

Quote from nickb275

I feel rotten today! Just got back from another weekly access visit with my boy. I am saddened by what he said to me when he put his hand over his mouth and almost cursed himself for having said something about his home life with mommy. He told me he wasn't supposed to tell me what goes on anymore at Mom's house. I inquired as to if he was punished for having done so, and the answer was a sad "YES". I can't believe that biatch actually did that, but had suspicion that she would do so. I now feel absolutely rotten, as I am sure this stems from an e-mail I sent her several weeks ago, politely asking her to stop any negation of my person in front of him, stop any ripping of pictures of me in front of him, stop telling false stories of how I was giving him sour milk and rotten food when he was a toddler, stop telling him that I don't go to see him for any other reason than for myself, etc. I was sick of it and of having to try to deprogram him at every visit. He also told me that I will tell the Judge if he says anymore of what is going on at home. MY SON DOES NOT NEED OR WANT TO BE PRIVY TO THIS ADULT ISSUE, GODDAMMIT!

He positively lights up and runs into my arms at every visit and the same when he leaves, and the goodbye hugs are long and sad and he holds on tight. I am sorry but I don't need or want pity, even though as I wrote the phrase before this one, I was tearing up. Now, because I asked her to have some sensibility and common sense to not put our son in the middle and use him as a scape goat for her bitterness and anger, she now does even worse and invites my son to willingly lie and hide things from me that he dearly wants me to hear. He is afraid and she is playing on one of a child's most fundamental fears, ABANDONMENT!!

I am at my wits end and really don't know what to do, because even when I try to be helpful and try to address the harms coming his way, I just seem to create a worse one VIA her behaviour.

Any ideas, any one? Who else here is going through this and what have you done or not done that seemed to help things. I am not a proponent of inaction, as not acting is still a choice but which usually leaves the outcome in other hands. I most want to be proactive but at the same time really want to be sure my son is not in the middle at every turn because of an immature mother who is way to fusional for a 7yr old boy.

Keep doing what you're doing Nick. Even if there maybe a few wilderness years later for whatever reason (though I hope not), he'll know in himself who is telling the truth and doing 'the right thing'. There may come a time when for a while he'll listen to his mum because he wants to believe in her but in the end, the fact that you avoid telling him about his mums true nature will come to the fore.

This I know from experience with my daughters and their step-mum, and am now going through similar to you with my boys dad. Keep your head up proud in the knowledge that whatever happens, you've done everything you can to keep your side of things as stable as possible for your boy.

Quote from nickb275

I am at my wits end and really don't know what to do, because even when I try to be helpful and try to address the harms coming his way, I just seem to create a worse one VIA her behaviour.

Any ideas, any one? Who else here is going through this and what have you done or not done that seemed to help things. I am not a proponent of inaction, as not acting is still a choice but which usually leaves the outcome in other hands. I most want to be proactive but at the same time really want to be sure my son is not in the middle at every turn because of an immature mother who is way to fusional for a 7yr old boy.

Record such pieces of evidence on video camera. It looks like the mother uses Parental Alienation tactics. Get in contact with an organization or lawyer who's experienced in the field and can help if necessary.

Moved thread to Advice Corner.