i know i would never leave my children while they are young-i may leave sooner or later but i will never be out of their reach.

i am not sure of the age of your son-my mom disapeared when i was nine--she just didn't come home one day and that was it.
i didn't see her again till i was around sixteen and she acted like she had left the day before.

i know i missed her and the things mother's are supposed to do,i always thought to myself---doesn't she care about me?

i never seen her again after that encounter for another twenty years--as i found out i just didn't need or want her anymore.
Your son will always have questions---the same as i had

he may get answers in time,they will never be good enough to put his mind at ease-believe me,i know

Kelly I think once we can get more men past the feelings of hopelessness that comes with divorce for many of us you will see more fathers being better dads.

To be honest after my first wife and I split up she convinced me to move back to Arkansas from where we lived in California because she said we could reconcile once I got a job here and found a place for us all to live.

I did all of that within two months but when I told her I had did what she asked me to do she told me we would not be reconciling after all.

What I should have done was promptly move back to California and make sure I wasn't going to get railroaded out of my sons life.

But much to my eternal shame what I did was let despair take over and lost contact with my son. I haven't seen him except for the one hour she allowed when he was a baby the day before I moved back to Arkansas.

As much as I apreciate your high praise of me it is undeserved in my case as I am guilty of putting my own pain in front of the needs of my son.

I am grateful that I learned from that experience and did not drop the ball with my younger son when his mother and I split up.

However that does not absolve me of the great harm I allowed my older son to endure just because I could not fight my way out of the pity pit I was in.

Edit: I should note that before I left California I was involved in custody proceedings with my ex in regards to my son. It was after I lost the case that she offered to reconcile if I found suitable job and residence for all of us. Again that does not absolve me of guilt for not going back once I discovered the deception.

KM, a few months ago I received a text message at 2am. It read, "Are you awake?"

I saw it was listed as being from my ex (the Brit mother of our two daughters) so I responded, "Yep!"

Seconds later, the phone (landline) rang. I took an educated guess it was here. 2am, indeed.

There is a point to this, I promise...

I took the call and to give you the condensed version, she explained that she pregnant by a man she hardly knew. I asked why she was telling me this and she said it was because he (the father) had asked her to abort the pregnancy and she knew I was anti-abortion (she wanted encouragement/reinforcement not to abort). We talked a bit about the pro's and con's of abortion (to her, the baby, our daughter's, etc.) and she even went on to discuss that she hadn't told her mother yet. Upon questioning this, although I already knew the reasons based on history (her mother is a feminist and told her to abort our first daughter), she explained she was too scared to do so. She did tell her mother eventually - by text message two days before going to see her (in her own words, to give her mother time to cool off).

She went on to explain that this man wanted her to abort, had refused to go to any appointments with her, wouldn't go to the abortion (if she so chose to have one) and so on - basically, he'd dropped off the planet's surface and made it quite apparent he did not want to be a dad and wanted no relationship with her if she went ahead with the baby.

Anyway, I asked her if she was telling me for any other reasons and she went on "well, I know you're into father's rights, so I wanted to know..... ". I interrupted her.
I explained to her, "Yes, I'm into father's rights - but I'm interested in father's who want their rights - I have no interest in fathers who don't want rights."
(keep in mind this is all paraphrased as it happened a good few months back now).

I don't agree with abortion (with limited exceptions). I don't agree with men (or women) walking out on their responsibilities. I don't agree with one parent blocking the other parent from being a parent (as this ex has tried to do in the past, and my more recent ex has also done in collaboration with her abusive mother).

So yes, I'm all for fathers and rights - but men who walk out on their kids don't do it for me at all... On the other hand, I can somewhat sympathize with their position. When I divorced, I knew that it meant having practically zero time/influence with our daughter. I was right. Despite all her promises of fairness and civility, she behaved precisely as predicted. She stripped my parental rights, made it that I had zero physical time, disallowed from having our daughter visit me, etc. etc. I was literally nothing - nothing but a wallet, as ordered by a corrupt Judge (I say corrupt as I learned a Judge must have evidence to justify why s/he stripped a parent of rights, there was no reason given).

This made it that I had to accept she will be growing up in an abusive environment if her grandmother (Sandy Parker) is around her. Her mother will allow the abuses to occur and will make zero effort to protect our daughter (as evidenced by her refusal to protect her other two children from abuses inflicted by Sandy Parker). She will grow up only seeing how her mother treats people and not how I treat people, so there will be no middle-ground. This has been evidenced by repeated occasions on camera where she (our daughter) screams out orders to her mother, complete lack of respect towards me, rarely making an effort to talk unless it's about herself (which I understand isn't too unusual for a child), uninterested in knowing who I am - I'm just a man on the screen that she can close anytime she wants.

Knowing this is my future with my daughter, makes it very, very difficult.

Kelly, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. It is a long time to go through such turmoil and from what you say, your ex has a lot to answer for.

You say you are having a hard time forgiving him.

Good.

Too often people forgive too easily and just end up resenting forever.

Clearly you think he needs your forgiveness, but his need is of less importance than your need to forgive genuinely and sincerely. And that may take a long time, and wait until your pain subsides.

He does not have to deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness is yours to give at your will and from the Goodness of your own Soul. But we often see forgiveness as being earned rather than gifted.

His behaviour can be attributed to many things. I do not presume to guess them. But I take it there was something about him that you loved once and that alone may lead you to a place of forgiveness.

Also - you do not say specifically - you may be thinking/feeling that he has done wrong to the children, and that needs their forgiveness. That is for them to struggle with, of course. Not for you to on their behalf.

There is no-one here so perfect that they do not need forgiveness. Most will not get it from the people they have hurt, and in like turn they may find it impossible to forgive those that have trespassed against them. But we all need to get to that point, in humility and compassion.

I know you, Kelly.

I know you will get there.

It takes time and one huge amount of personally climbing cliffs of our own human-ness..

Anyway, I asked her if she was telling me for any other reasons and she went on "well, I know you're into father's rights, so I wanted to know..... ". I interrupted her.
I explained to her, "Yes, I'm into father's rights - but I'm interested in father's who want their rights - I have no interest in fathers who don't want rights."
(keep in mind this is all paraphrased as it happened a good few months back now).-Marx.

I agree Karl. But I do have some sympathy for some fathers that are at least accused of walking away.

You and I are both dads that through one form of trickery or another are seperated from one of our children. I don't know for sure about your ex in America but I know for certain my ex claims I just up and walked away.

But for fathers/mothers that up and just leave their children because they do not want to be parents I have no sympathy for them. They deserve none.

Interesting thread which has raised some emotion in me. Speaking of forgiveness, I wonder if I can or will ever be able to forgive my ex for having robbed me of two full years of access to my boy. This emotional wound is still very fresh. I wonder what it will feel like once it starts to heal.

The court room drama was in my opinion very unnecessary. I was of the opinion that two grown adults could communicate. We did so for the better part of a decade together. I imagine the hurt she felt towards me festered so much she became blind to her actions and the repercussions of them on my boy.

I can only hope our son will not be to affected and I have turned this around in the nick of time, before a child's very real fear of abandonment damaged him to a point of no return that he may have trust issues at such a young age.

I am starting to see issues with him, I am trying to help him with those issues, in the way only a father can. I hold his hand, say I love him as often as I can.
When he is spoken to by strangers, he looks away. I tell him to look ppl in the eye, that it is rude to not look at your interlocutor. I see he understands, but he is still very shy and I find him very fragile for a boy. He is frightful of many things. I try to push some of his demons away. Sadly I am not with him more often to be a strong influence on him. One day a week is simply not enough. I am glad the Judge has granted me sleep overs as of this month. I think this will help.

Quote from chevalier

Anyway, I asked her if she was telling me for any other reasons and she went on "well, I know you're into father's rights, so I wanted to know..... ". I interrupted her.
I explained to her, "Yes, I'm into father's rights - but I'm interested in father's who want their rights - I have no interest in fathers who don't want rights."
(keep in mind this is all paraphrased as it happened a good few months back now).-Marx.

I agree Karl. But I do have some sympathy for some fathers that are at least accused of walking away.

You and I are both dads that through one form of trickery or another are seperated from one of our children. I don't know for sure about your ex in America but I know for certain my ex claims I just up and walked away.

But for fathers/mothers that up and just leave their children because they do not want to be parents I have no sympathy for them. They deserve none.

You're right and I should have mentioned that I did say to her all the way through that I couldn't comment in all areas as I only knew her side... My experience with her serves to remind me she is not the most honest woman on the planet.

nick wrote;
I can only hope our son will not be to affected and I have turned this around in the nick of time, before a child's very real fear of abandonment damaged him to a point of no return that he may have trust issues at such a young age.

i guess i am past the point of no return-as i trust no one and do not let my barriers down ever

as soon as someone gets close to me-i usually walk away,for fear they will leave anyways

as soon as someone gets close to me-i usually walk away,for fear they will leave anyways

Friends are what you need. And not just anyone, ally yourself with like minded ppl. I found my trust issues went dry when I stopped putting my happiness in other ppls hands!! While I am captain on MY OWN BOAT, anyone can leave at any given time, my boat must still run, and for that I am responsible, and should trust no one with my boat but myself.

Edit, hard earned fact through life!!

Quote from chevalier

Kelly I think once we can get more men past the feelings of hopelessness that comes with divorce for many of us you will see more fathers being better dads.

To be honest after my first wife and I split up she convinced me to move back to Arkansas from where we lived in California because she said we could reconcile once I got a job here and found a place for us all to live.

I did all of that within two months but when I told her I had did what she asked me to do she told me we would not be reconciling after all.

What I should have done was promptly move back to California and make sure I wasn't going to get railroaded out of my sons life.

But much to my eternal shame what I did was let despair take over and lost contact with my son. I haven't seen him except for the one hour she allowed when he was a baby the day before I moved back to Arkansas.

As much as I apreciate your high praise of me it is undeserved in my case as I am guilty of putting my own pain in front of the needs of my son.

I am grateful that I learned from that experience and did not drop the ball with my younger son when his mother and I split up.

However that does not absolve me of the great harm I allowed my older son to endure just because I could not fight my way out of the pity pit I was in.

Edit: I should note that before I left California I was involved in custody proceedings with my ex in regards to my son. It was after I lost the case that she offered to reconcile if I found suitable job and residence for all of us. Again that does not absolve me of guilt for not going back once I discovered the deception.

I don't think it's even remotely the same, Chev. You did everything you could, just to have her pull the rug out from under you. You succumbed to despair. You're human. And you acknowledge the potential harm to your child.

Conor's dad willfully walked away for two reasons. One, he "lost" to me. Two, he has to pay child support. Those things made him mad, and I'm sure he thinks I emasculated him somehow. He couldn't care less how it affects his child.

I know that is a drastic statement, and will make some of you angry. But I'm not talking about you, or about a rational human being. Believe me, I lived with the man for 20 years. I know what I'm talking about.

Quote from Percy

There is no-one here so perfect that they do not need forgiveness. Most will not get it from the people they have hurt, and in like turn they may find it impossible to forgive those that have trespassed against them. But we all need to get to that point, in humility and compassion.

I know you, Kelly.

I know you will get there.

It takes time and one huge amount of personally climbing cliffs of our own human-ness..

That is the story of my life LOL. Thank you for the encouragement.

I wish all the best for the children.

Gosh! How loved you are, I don't know how much my say will have. Been there, done that, but you as a woman know making coffee is all you can do with our cases. Good luck and get a support group.

For which I am glad
Looking through the glass
Watching and guided
Senses of right and wrong
With empathy and power
To walk my life alone
Touched not by lonely
Giving time and word
To someone's saddened day

I never was the best poet. I hope you get the point.