John Hamel, LCSW, Private Practice, Pleasant Hill and Greenbrae, CA
angercounseling@aol.com * John Hamel: Home

At Family Court Services, Joanna Levy requests to meet separately with Lauren, the child custody mediator, expressing a fear of being in the same room with her husband, Barry, whom she characterizes as a highly controlling man who physically and emotionally abused her throughout their 8-year marriage. “He yells, puts me down constantly,” she says. “Always criticizing. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I have to beg for grocery money.” Upon further questioning, Joanna elaborates on her husband’s emotional neediness, the constant demands. “The last straw,” she says, “was when he beat me up. I felt like a rag doll, yanked around the living room like that.”
The month before, at a seminar conducted by the local battered women’s shelter, Lauren had learned that the unilateral use of physical violence and controlling behavior, along with the fear that they engender in their victims, are defining characteristics of male batterers. In her meeting with Barry, the mediator is struck by how closely he fits the batterer profile, first by denying having engaged in any abuse himself; and, secondly, by claiming abuse on the part of the victim. “Maybe she’s bipolar, or something,” Barry suggests. “I mean, if anyone needs therapy it’s her.” Trying to make the victim think she’s crazy, Lauren remembers, is one of the battering tactics from the “Power and Control Wheel” presented at the training.
Lauren recommends to the Court that custody of the children be granted to the mother, and that the father enroll in a 52-week Domestic Violence Batterer program. When he is informed by his attorney that he is allowed only a one- hour weekly visit with the children, supervised by a court-approved agency, Barry gets on the phone and screams at his ex. Consequently, a restraining order is placed
against him.

Eight months later, an extensive custody evaluation reveals that Joanna has been previously treated for Borderline Personality Disorder.

read the whole paper here