Female Resentment even in 'Happy' Homes.

**Percy** · #1 18th-October-2008

Some small insights and pointers to where women fuck things up in even the best homes where Dad id a star.

Quote:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/family/10/17/parenting.moms.jealous/index.html

Why moms get jealous when dads bond with kids

By Melissa Balmain

"Now stay in bed and go to sleep," my husband, Bill, said as he hugged our 3-year-old son, Davey, good night. "If you don't, I'm gonna talk in my troll voice all day tomorrow."

I smiled with pity at this poor, deluded man. Several times a night, Davey had been getting up to look at books. I had spent fruitless hours reasoning with him. No way could Bill's threat make a difference, especially since Davey found his troll-under-the-bridge act more funny than scary.

But that night, Davey didn't get up once. In the morning he ran around crowing that he'd won and the troll couldn't come. Bill, unlike me, must have known that Davey needed to turn staying in bed into a game. Of course I was grateful.

I was also just the tiniest bit jealous. Why hadn't I been the one with the great insight? Why couldn't I talk like a troll?

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only mom who's had such moments. Plenty of us admit to everything from mild envy to full-blown resentment of our mates' parenting skills. And that makes us feel ungrateful: After all, we finally have something that mothers have wanted for generations: an extra pair of hands.

Today's dads spend 21.7 hours a week on child care and related duties such as shopping and housework, up nine hours from 30 years ago, according to research by the University of Maryland. Which isn't to say that moms still don't handle the vast majority of kid-linked tasks -- a whopping 39 hours weekly. (P. Compared with his 45 hours at work. No 'whoppings' in sight)

Still, our guys are doing more than their dads did. Fathers clip tiny toenails and baby-food coupons. They read bedtime stories and clothing labels. And while some of our own dads had no clue about how to change a diaper, our kids' dads often have fierce opinions on Luvs versus Huggies.

We moms say we want our spouses to be do-it-all dads: We're forward-thinking women of the 21st century. Besides, if they did less, we couldn't possibly juggle our busy lives without going nuts.

"But we don't want them to take over," says Pyper Davis, a mother of two in Washington, D.C. "We don't ever want to be pushed off that throne of being Mommy."

Jealousy and envy and ego, oh my!
One reason we're possessive of the parental crown may be that, although society's changed, we still get traditional messages about women's roles. "A lot of our mothers, our workplaces, our TV shows still tell us that moms should do most of the childcare," says Liz Park, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist with three kids in Crownsville, Maryland. We moms can be good at taking such messages to heart.

"For women, no matter how far along you are in your career or no matter how much of a feminist you consider yourself to be, at some level you're coming from an assumption that women are caretakers," says Heather Gerken of New Haven, Connecticut, a law professor and the mother of Anna, 6, and Ben, 2. "When Anna was a baby, I would feel guilty about the time away from her," she says.

And at home, sharing child care with her husband, she felt a little jealous that he was as central to Anna's life as she was. "Now that I've gone through this twice, all I'd add is that the twinges of regret are overwhelmed by the joy of raising kids together. There's no other reason I can think of for that jealousy, except for the guilty, nagging feeling that you ought to be spending more time with your child." (P. Keep thinking - laterally, if you can, Lady)

Well, there are at least a few other reasons.

The briefness of those precious early years, for one. "When our son was a baby, Brian gave him more of his baths," says Jessica Davis of Chicago. (Both names were changed.) She believed it was important for them to have such one-on-one moments, but "I remember thinking a few times, 'I should take the bath with him!' Especially when they're babies, you're likely to think, 'I want this piece or that piece' because babies sleep so much and quality time with them is much more limited than with an older child."

Then there's the matter of love. Naturally, when our spouses spend extra time nurturing our children, the kids become extra attached. "David* just adores his dad. He's his little shadow," Amy Conner* of Nashua, New Hampshire, says of her 3-year-old son. She understands the daddy worship; she thinks her husband, is "more playful" with David than she is. "But at first it just hurt (P. ??? Ego ?) because I didn't feel that he loved me as much as [him]," she admits. (P. Boy oh boy, can I relate to THAT !)

For some moms, like me, what hurts (P. Again with the wrong choice of descriptive words or failure to properly show what is the cause. Why do women have such difficulty naming the 'feelings' that they have and think they are so good at managing?) is a deep-seated notion that we should be better parents than our spouses -- more instinctive, more inventive, more in tune with our kids' needs.

D'Anne Gleicher of Alameda, California, finds herself battling this idea when her daughter is sick. Because she can't get paid time off from her job as an attorney, her husband is usually the one to stay home with Ava, 8. "I know he's very capable of caring for her, but I want to believe I'm better at it than he is -- even though I'm not. (P. Ahhhaa !!) I think it's the whole 'I'm the mommy and I can fix anything.' It's almost like a savior thing."

Working mothers aren't the only ones who long to be saviors. Sarah Mock of Tualatin, Oregon, quit working as a high school teacher when her second daughter was born. "When you've made this decision to stay home, you've given up this side of you where you can shine as your own person. Instead, you feel pressure to shine as a parent," (P. Self-induced so it gets to be blamed on the father) she explains. Which can make it frustrating when your husband is as much fun with the kids as you are. "Recently John helped them make their own version of Candy Land. I thought, 'Why can't I think of things that are more creative?' " she says. "It seems he's doing very well at work and then when he comes home he's doing very well with the kids, so it's like he's doing great everywhere and I'm running to keep up."

Who's the boss?
If we're not careful, jealousy and insecurity can turn moms into control freaks. So says Park, a recovering control freak herself. "With our first child, I was constantly asking my husband, 'Are you making sure he's getting his vegetables?' It feels good to make the decisions." (P. And imply that the dad is incompetent)

Trouble is, "the more we control how dads do things, the less involved they want to be," (P. Hardly friggin' suprising, but I guess she will want a prize for effort) Park says. A recent Ohio State University study of almost 100 couples with newborns backs her up: Researchers found that even dads who believed they should be highly involved in childcare shied away from doing things for their infant if Mom was very judgmental.

So Park recommends trying what she did with her husband and her son, Joe, now 11. "I had to let go and let them have their own relationship -- he's a competent man! If Joe doesn't have a vegetable, who cares?" When you find yourself hovering, Park suggests, leave the room. And if you feel compelled to share some crucial knowledge -- the latest food pyramid for toddlers, say -- try offering him some childcare lit. (P. Or just shut the fuck up) "That way it's neutral. It's not like you're dictating to him how to do it," she says.

Rethinking the rivalry
As for curbing the green-eyed monster, it comes down to discovering things you do well with your kids. When they're babies, simply breastfeeding them is something Dad can't do, and may be enough. Later on, try sharing your passions, from gardening to karate. It's also smart to take turns doing the fun stuff, like playing with the kids, as well as the non-fun stuff (say, disciplining them). Dad's giving the baths? Great. Make storytime yours, instead of moping.

Most important, moms say, remember how lucky your kids are to have two hands-on parents. Gleicher hopes that having a caring, involved father will one day spur her daughter to choose a guy with those qualities. "She won't end up with somebody she doesn't respect," she says.

Speaking of respect, adds Gerken, it's the best cure she's found yet for parental jealousy. "Just to glory in your husband's abilities as a dad, I think, is key," she says.
Next time Bill pulls off a child-care coup, I plan to be a model of admiration. I'll watch and learn. And I won't begrudge him his troll voice one bit -- as long as talking like SpongeBob can be mine, all mine.

**TERA** · #2 18th-October-2008

Do men ever get jealous of the time mom spends caring for the kids? Does he feel left out? Do mothers often forget to set aside priority quality time with their husbands? It seems to me that this is so, particularly in families where there is more than just one child..but even in families with just one, I've seen this.

**Percy** · #3 18th-October-2008

Quote:

Do men ever get jealous of the time mom spends caring for the kids? Does he feel left out?

Good questions. I can only offer my own experience.

I was always happy seeing my wife fuss over the babies, even as they grew into toddlers and kiddies. I felt they were being cared for well and enjoyed seeing the interactions. They were happy; she was happy; I was therefore happy. I loved my kids. I spent as much of what little time I had at home, with them. She, on the other hand, took the opposite tack and constantly interfered and found fault. My time with the children was a minefield of small, niggly comments and 'looks'. The pursed lips; the raised eyebrow; that condescending expression women find so easy under the make-up.

Several of the phrases in the article above are just so on-the-ball. I emphasised them. "I want to believe I'm better at it than he is"; jealousy and insecurity can turn moms into control freaks. ....possessive of the parental crown.

It is not so much "forget to set aside priority quality time with their husbands?", as her becoming a harridan for who nothing is good enough. Quality is missing altogether, not just the time for it.

Does he feel left out? It isn't so much being 'left out' as pushed out with a scowl.

**Kim** · #4 18th-October-2008

I find that all just very sad....another testament to the success of feminism in dividing men and women and teaching women that men are their enemy.

I've never felt an ounce of resentment when our children turned to my husband. In truth, it was a tender moment when I watched our boys start to identify more with their father; when they wanted dad instead of mom and they thought there was nothing better than time spent with their dad.

My youngest son thinks any moment not spent in the company of his dad is a moment wasted. In his eyes, the very best thing in the world is being able to go to work with dad. I cherish this. It's beautiful and special and I wouldn't want it any other way.

As for our daughter, her and my husband have always had a close relationship and I can't imagine for a moment wishing it were otherwise. The bond she shares with her dad will help her to form positive, healthy relationships when she's older.

Mothers and fathers should cherish the relationship their children have with their spouses and be happy of the love and bond they share, never jealous or resentful.

paul parmenter · #5 18th-October-2008

The article is riddled with stark examples of the hypocrisy of these women, as Percy correctly points out. It is as clear a testimony to the reality, and the dangers, of female gatekeeping as I have ever read. That's right: the selfsame gatekeeping that is not supposed to exist.

So women cannot contemplate being pushed off their thrones? Funny, they have no compunction at all about throwing men off theirs.

They get jealous of men spending quality time with their own children, but any man who resents women muscling in on traditional male jobs is universally condemned as an unreconstructed chauvinist dinosaur.

It just shows that breaking down the biggest sexist barrier of them all, the one that shuts millions of men out of the lives of their children, to the huge detriment of both, remains the toughest challenge and still has a huge way to go.

christianj · #6 18th-October-2008

Amen to that Kim..

shaazam · #7 18th-October-2008

feminits are the greatest reducing agents known to man

look what happened to poor Sir Paul and his ex of the wooden leg

**Percy** · #8 18th-October-2008

Quote:

although society's changed, we still get traditional messages about women's roles.

Did anyone notice that the writer doesn't say where the messages come from. Men's voices are not heard, especially about Traditional arrangement which are universally derided and condemned as 'Patriarchal', and when they do get a word in edgeways they are dismissed - just as she does in the opening paras : - I smiled with pity at this poor, deluded man.

Women have full voice. While Feminists insist that they speak FOR all women (except Sarah Palin, of course) and the vast majority of women seem to speak in the same demeaning terms TO and about men, it is clear that they speak with forked tongue to one another about one another, sending mixed messages that are blamed in the ubiquitous 'society'. She could not bring herself to identify the gender that insists on getting its own way and 'making' her 'feel' guilty.

Garak · #9 18th-October-2008

I have seen this jealousy first hand more than once. It is sickening.

To answer TERA's question. Yes, we do get jealous from time to time but generally that only happens ONCE we have been forcefully seperated from our kids. Big difference!

shaazam · #10 18th-October-2008

feminits by nature are chronically dissatisfied with anything they have or done for them

ingrates!

trying to keep up with a feminits jaded expectations is a wild goose chase and better left for fools