From: Women's refuge NZ


Common myths about violence

There are many myths about family violence. These myths help continue violence by: making the abuser's actions seem ok; stopping women from seeking help; and stopping others from helping. Understanding the realities behind the myths challenges violence and allows women to come to terms with what is really happening to them, and exposes violence as a social concern not just an individual problem.
Myth: “It's just one bash”.

FACT: Physical violence is not only a slap, it's also hitting with objects or hands, punching (especially in areas on the body that can not be easily seen); pulling hair out; inflicting burns; tying up; stabbing; kicking; pushing; biting etc. When one act of physical violence occurs, there has usually been a long period of threats, controlling behaviour, mind-games, verbal abuse, and other forms of psychological and emotional violence. Women who have been abused often say that the emotional violence is far worse than the physical violence.
Myth: “If it really was that bad they would leave”.

FACT: The first thing to remember that it should not be the women's responsibility to avoid the violence, it's the abuser who should stop being violent.
There are many reasons why women stay with someone who has been violent towards them. The most compelling reason is that it can be safer to stay. Research has shown that violence often escalates and becomes more unpredictable when women leave. Most domestic violence murders happen within a few months of women leaving a relationship. Leaving can be dangerous. Staying can allow women to have some control.
Myth: “Violence only happens in poor/Maori/uneducated families”.

FACT: Abusers come from all walks of life, and anyone can be abused. Violence happens in all types of families, in urban and rural communities, in all ethnic groups, in rich, poor and middle-class families, of any age.
Myth: "The person ‘asked for it' / deserved it / provoked it ".

FACT: No one ‘deserves ‘ or ‘asks' to be beaten or emotionally tortured, least of all by someone who says they love you. Abusers often blame women and children for provoking them, but no behaviour justifies a violent response. Children can be disciplined in other ways; family problems can be resolved without violence. There is no excuse for violence. The responsibility for violence lies firmly with the abuser. They make the choice to abuse.
Myth: “The violence happens when the abuser just loses control, or gets angry”.

FACT: Most people who get angry don't use violence to deal with it. There are other ways to manage anger. Abusers make the choice to be violent, and they also make the choice about who is going to be on the receiving end of the violence (i.e. their whanau/family, but not to other people like workmates, neighbours etc.). Abusers can be calm and calculating when they use violence. The abuser is trying to get their own way through using violence, it's not just because they have an anger management problem.
Myth: “Women are just as violent as men”.

FACT: In all family violence statistics in Aotearoa/ New Zealand, the majority of victims of violence are women and the majority of violent people are men. Some women are violent towards their children and partners. But the causes and effects of women's violence are often different than men's violence. Sometimes women who are being abused also act violently in self-defence and this can include ‘pre-emptive strikes' when the abuser is vulnerable i.e. when they are drunk or asleep. It's unusual for men to be seriously injured or killed by a woman, and very few men live in fear of their lives because of their female partner's violence. In 1998, only 8% of the applications for Protection Orders were from men, 92% were from women.


Some groups quoted in the media recently say that women are more violent than men. These claims are based on research that has been shown to be highly flawed. It uses ‘conflict tactics scales' which counts acts of violence used by men and women in relationship conflict resolution. However, the intention, cause, or severity of the act of violence is not taken into account. In this research, there is no difference between an act of self-defence and an act of intimidation or one that produces fear. Also, a slap that breaks someone's jaw is counted the same as one that does not leave a mark. Psychological abuse is totally left out of the picture. For more information about the gendered nature of violence, see the fact sheet on the Resources page.