This is a discussion on Advice Please within the Dating, Love and Sex anti misandry forums, part of the Advice Corner category; It begins half a life time ago, when my current partner was diagnosed with epilepsy. Years of struggle to get ...
- 1st-October-2011 #1
It begins half a life time ago, when my current partner was diagnosed with epilepsy. Years of struggle to get his condition under control, suffering various medications and setbacks in career due to health leaving him constantly dissapointed. Car accidents-- none of them actually his fault (in one a woman rear-ended him and tried to blame him...)
We meet almost five years ago and share love. I do my best to be there for him everyday knowing that I don't know the half of it. The economy sucks, we struggle to make it by but are basically content-- even somewhat happy. We go camping. He works sales and pursues his hobbies of rock-hounding and gem smithing. We go to the gym, hike, camp. I make jewelry, paint and work whatever jobs are available.
Then in '09 he has a grand mal and the bad times start. He is suddenly there, dying in front of me, and all I can do is make sure he doesn't hit his head and call an ambulance. I am in shock. When he comes to, he is in the worst crippling physical pain, disoriented, but still witty and glib. He sells the paramedics a line, tells them it happened before, gets them to leave-- ever the salesman.
He tries new medications-- terrible side effects & massage therapy for damaged muscles and twisted spine. He can't work-- legally epileptics aren't allowed to drive within 6 months of seizures and his physical health is shredded.
"Whatever job I can find" won't work. I need a career. I need it so he can heal. We can't manage as we have been.
I pursue law school. Pipe dream! First, it ends up I have to leave the state. He can't come with me because of a last hope experimental drug-trial in our home state. Then I get sick for 9 weeks running 102-104 degree fevers and catch pneumonia the first semester.
At the end of the semester my partner has a second grand mal-- he has to start from square one! His body is wrecked again-- no driving for another 6 months. Terrifying, harsh, WHY? He had just begun to get his feet under him, then this-- all his health, hobbies and hope gone.
My second semester crippling multi-day migraines strike and worsen-- finally it reaches a point where for 3/12 weeks I have a migraines daily. I cannot drive or get groceries unassisted. I limp back home, tail tucked-- ashamed.
Partly ashamed because I failed to succeed and even more ashamed because I have not been able to handle this sudden condition with the grace, honesty, patience and fortitude that HE shows everyday. Because when the pain hits me-- searing acid, bones aching, nausea, vertigo, auras-- I become irritable. I realize how very weak I am.
That idea about couples supporting each other through sickness and health seems like absurdity when both partners are sick, in pain, & unable to drive. Leaning on him would just drag him down. I don't tell him how much pain I'm in. I ask him how he is feeling and do the best I can to help.
Recently he was going to get together with an old friend. Three days before they were to meet up, he gets a call-- his friend is dead: suicide by hanging. I've never seen him this broken, forlorn, and so completely down. It scares me. I try to be there, cheer him up, assist.
Migraines flatten me for two weeks and I feel like I handle it as well as a badger in a bear trap-- honestly? BITCHY. Depressed. Hopeless. I keep my mouth shut about the last two. Bad fucking time. I try to be supportive and offer as much compassion as I can-- but I feel ineffectual, useless, tired. I snap-- I never used to snap-- then I realize I am snapping and clam up and feel depression eating into me.
I don't know how and what to do to support him and how to handle my own shit. I don't want to burden him-- he's got enough.
I drive when I can, between migraines. I'm taking one class at university here. He can carve gems again-- one hobby back. But we don't get out as much and now he doesn't feel up to going out-- or much of anything else. He works mostly on the flooring and painting in the house. He looks so blue. He actually cried. Never seen that, not in almost 5 years. It scares me.
Where to start? Where to begin? How to deal? How to support? Anyone who can offer their experience or different perspective and advice will be appreciated.
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- 1st-October-2011 #2
Re: Advice Please
You sound like a good woman going through very hard times.
It is very important that you call on your friends, and his, at this time of deep trouble.
We would like to think that we can 'do it all' ourselves and that what doesn't kill us makes us strong. But sometimes we crumble under the pressures.
Not 'being there' with practical help makes it difficult to offer the right sort of advice. Other than praying for you both and wishing you can find the reserves of strength needed, all I can suggest is the helpful people in your immediate orbit. Find them; roster them; ask for their help. Keep them active in providing the sort of small practical assistances with the 'easy stuff' of life - things they CAN do - so that you can focus your mind and heart on helping both yourself and your man. Get the doctors involved. Do not let them fob you off.
Life is a bugger sometimes. It can grind you down. But friends around can lift the load enough for you to gather the necessary things for yourself and your man.
Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum
Love the Sinner but not the Sin.
“ For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,
against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. “
(and within ourselves)
(Ephesians 6:12 (KJV)
A Feminist is a human being who has lost her way and turned vicious.
If you meet one on the road as you Go your Own Way,
offer kindness but keep your sword drawn.
- 1st-October-2011 #3
Re: Advice Please
Thank you Percy, that is an excellent suggestion. Considering it made me a bit disoriented though-- have not been sure who to count on I guess. Following your advice, I will re-examine and reach out. Thank you for your prayers and guidance.
Haha...oh doctors. Fobbing off is what they love to do. Just take this pill...
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