Women who canīt commit
This is a discussion on Women who canīt commit within the Chit chat (MAIN) anti misandry forums, part of the Introduction to anti misandry category; Women who canít commit?! By Elina Furman For years, it was the men who had the monopoly on commitment-phobia. But ...
- 19th-August-2008 #1
Women who canīt commit
Women who canít commit?!
By Elina Furman For years, it was the men who had the monopoly on commitment-phobia. But what about commitment-phobic women? Yes, women! Raised to believe that men are the commitment-shy gender, many women coast through life completely oblivious about their own commitment anxietyóbelieving they want a relationship yet systematically pushing away one perfectly suitable candidate after another. Isnít it high time we looked at ourselves and admit that maybe, just maybe, we are the ones who have become commitment-challenged? If youíre ready to finally face the truth, go down the list of these common symptoms and see if any apply.
- Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
- You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
- You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
- You consider your married friendsí relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled for too little.
- You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of romantic relationships.
- You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent.
- You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.
By now, you probably have a better idea of where you stand on the commitment meter. If youíre now thinking: ďYep, thatís me,Ē now what? Is there any hope for getting over these issues? The answer to that is a resounding yes! Hereís how:
Accept your uncertainty
One of the biggest mistakes many of you make is thinking that any uncertainty, however slight, is a sign that your relationship is doomed to failure. You think, ďIf Iím so confused, that must mean something is wrong with my relationship. Shouldnít I just know if itís right?Ē But indecision and anxiety are a very normal part of making a commitment to someone. If you werenít a little uncertain, then youíd have something to worry about! Face the fact that thereís never going to be a time when youíre 100 percent certain of anything. So if youíre 80 percent sure that the person youíre with will make a good partner, then thatís all the certainty youíre ever going to get.
Just do it
Once youíve determined whether youíre 80 percent confident, it may be time to take some good-old fashioned action. Be conscious, be circumspect, and be careful, but take the leap. As with any phobia, we often have to face what scares us the most in order to conquer our fears. So it should come as no surprise that one of the best cures for commitment anxiety is just to make a commitment. And if you make a mistake? Well, so be it. After all, one of the ways we learn to trust our instincts is through hindsight. In the end, following the 80 percent rule will help you take calculated risks, not reckless ones.
Avoid the crystal ball
If youíre on the brink of becoming exclusive, cohabiting, or getting married to someone, itís all too easy to panic and wonder, ďBut how will I feel one year, five years, or ten years from now?Ē After all, people change, right? How do you know you will feel exactly the same way five years from now? The answer is: You donít! No matter how tempting it is to worry about the future of your relationship, you have to accept that there is absolutely no guarantee that things will work out. Worrying about the future is one way to avoid making a decision. No matter how many psychics or astrologers you visit, no one can tell you what to do with your life or what the future holds. In the end, the best thing you can do is focus on the present. Ask yourself: ďAm I getting what I want out of the relationship at exactly this moment?Ē If the answer is yes (or 80 percent yes), rest assured the prognosis is as good as itís going to get.
Okay, so men can sometimes act like dominating control freaks, but itís important to note how often weíre guilty of the same offense. Picking fights, acting moody, and making your partner feel like heís always doing something wrong is a great way to get someone to break up with you. In fact, thatís exactly what many of you do so you can get out of the relationship or avoid commitment. Many of us commitment-phobes have a perfectionist streak that makes us try to control every aspect of the relationship. Unless our partner fits some preconceived mold, we feel we canít possibly commit to him. Whether itís his sloppy ways or inability to dress himself, it can be all too tempting to want to change him or control the relationship. Of course, if youíre not ready to commit, no one will ever be good enough for you. So either accept your partner for who he is or leave the relationship altogether.
While itís important to have a full life, many women overdo it. It may be impressive that you have a gazillion friends and unique hobbies, but if you donít make room in your life for a committed relationship, donít be surprised if it keeps eluding you. Think of it like this: Once you make room on a table and clear all the stuff away, something new is bound to appear on it. This rule applies to everything. If youíre obsessed with your pet, work 24/7, are absorbed with your children, or are a clutter bug whoís embarrassed to bring people home, you probably donít have as much time or space for a committed relationship as you think. So if you fit any of these categories, it may just be time to clean up your act and make some physical, emotional, and psychological room in your life.
Elina Furman is the author of Boomerang Nation and other books. After years of personal experience with commitment phobia, she conquered her own fear and now lives with her boyfriend in New York City.
Aha it seems it is not only men. I think the bold part tells a lot.The men's and fathers' movement needs to make sure it never sees females as the enemy,but only misandry--whether from females or from males.If not, we'll become like the bigoted feminists that this movement was formed to oppose.Glenn Sacks
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Re: Women who canīt commit
but ultimately they will commit to a cat with fervour too
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