This is a discussion on Women drivers - satire within the Chit chat (MAIN) forums, part of the General category; Indy 500 Drivers Concerned About "Stupid Woman Driver"
Thirty-three drivers will race at the Indianapolis 500 this weekend, and 32 ...
Thirty-three drivers will race at the Indianapolis 500 this weekend, and 32 of them are very concerned about the effect one stupid woman driver could have on the proceedings.
Christ, my wife cant even back out of the driveway without driving over the lawn or backing into a garbage can. If you think this Danica Patrick chick is any better, youre crazy. Piece of shit female drivers. Theyre a menace to the road, said defending IndyCar Series champion Tony Kanaan.
Patrick, just the third woman to qualify for the Indy 500 in the last 27 years, nearly claimed the top starting spot for the race during qualifying last weekend, but she was beaten out by Kanaan when she veered high on turn three because she was trying to put lipstick on while she drove.
I didnt have time to put on my makeup this morning because I was trying to figure out what to wear to the race next week. I need a new jumpsuit like you wouldnt believe. I have like 10 that Ive worn a million times, so its time, said Patrick. At first I tried on my old yellow and black one, but it made my ass look huge, so then I tried the red and blue. Thats okay, but its so yesterday. After I finally settled on the white and green, I couldnt for the life of me find my green helmet, then I realized my gloves were a different shade of green. Hopefully no one will notice.
Plus, I was chatting with my friend Erica, who just broke up with her boyfriend. Oh my God, what a callous bastard he is. Anyways, I had a hair appointment at 2:00, which I had to probably go 230 miles per hour to make on time. Unfortunately, I was only in the high 226 m.p.h.-range, she continued.
Im always late for things, she continue. I dont know what it is. I guess I just dawdle around getting ready in the bathroom for too long, then I have to drive like a bat out of hell just to make my appointments.
Many drivers fear for their safety in the upcoming race.
Ive been behind her before, said Helio Castroneves. She never signals when she turns, she weaves in-and-out of lanes, and the woman has no idea what cruise control is. I mean, get the hell out of the passing lane if youre only going to go 226 m.p.h.
Dario Franchitti is worried because statistics show that women are responsible for 68.4 percent of all auto accidents.
If that bitch rear ends me at the Indy 500 while shes talking on her cell phone or something, theres going to be hell to pay. Dont you hate that? When you come up behind or next to some babe whos just chatting away on her cell, without a care in the world? Its just an accident waiting to happen. And dont even get me started on Danicas parallel parking abilities. I cant tell you how many times my cars been dinged up by her trying to park in front of me on pit row.
Franchitti, Castroneves, and Sam Hornisch, Jr. all plan to put bumper stickers saying If Women Are From Venus, Can We Send Them Back? on the backs of their cars for the big race.
Patrick will reportedly counter with a bumper sticker of her own, saying T.G.I.F. Thank God Im Female!
Dr. Ken Feldman of the National Institute of Female Stereotypes said its a proven fact that women are simply worse drivers than men.
It relates to the level of estrogen in their system, said Feldman. Women have a chemical imbalance that prevents them from successfully doing two things at once. Even if theyre not brushing their hair or putting on eyeliner while cruising along at 60 m.p.h. down the highway, theyre chit-chatting with their friend or fiddling with the radio. This leads to erratic driving and general stupidity.
At that time of month, its been proven that women are four times more likely to merge onto the highway without signaling and 10 times more likely to rear-end you at a stop sign, he added.
Patrick denied that she is a bad driver but did admit that shes behind the eight ball a little bit because Ill have to pull over to tinkle every 20 laps or so. My bladder is the size of a 1 5/8 inch lugnut.
Meanwhile, her pit crew claims shes as good, or better, than any of the other drivers on the IndyCar circuit, although they do have a few complaints. Shes constantly nagging us about something, said Chief Mechanic Ed Daood. Shes always whining, Fix the alternator. Flush the fuel injector. Replace my tires. Tighten this. Tweak that. Shit, sometimes I just cant stand it. Get off my back, woman!
Despite her obvious flaws as a female driver, Patrick is one of the most popular drivers on the IndyCar circuit.
I think it has something to do with the fact that shes hot as hell, said IndyCar fan Larry Ray Jackson, 35. I cant think of any other reason why youd actually want a woman on the road.
IndyCar officials said they will have extra safety personnel on hand since the risk of a serious accident is so much higher with a female on the track.
God willing, the chick wont hurt anyone too badly, said Walter James of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Safety Commission.
Out of the gloom a voice spake unto me. 'Smile and be happy, Things could get worse."
So I smiled and was happy, and behold... Things did get worse.
Christ, my wife cant even back out of the driveway without driving over the lawn or backing into a garbage can. If you think this Danica Patrick chick is any better, youre crazy. Piece of shit female drivers. Theyre a menace to the road, said defending IndyCar Series champion Tony Kanaan.
I can't help to doubt that he was really allowed to say that.
I have a wide driveway and it has a good size mud hole on one side after 8 years my wife still can't keep it on the driveway.. If I mention it, she blows a gasket.
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Thomas Jefferson once said "It takes time to persuade men to do even what is for their own good."
Feminuts are stupid, throw some common sense at them. They won't know what hit them.
3rd-June-2006
