Credit to Percy for the use of "Mrs. Anyone," You used it. I liked it. I stole it.


There’s two sides to every coin, to coin a phrase. And there’s at least two sides to every coined phrase. Let’s take a look at one such expression from both sides of the coin, before I run out of monetary metaphors.


If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. Use that expression in public and you’ll get a lot of good natured laughter and nods of the head. Underneath the humor and agreement is something we all know is a little darker. There’s a lot of women this doesn’t apply to. They take their knocks in life in pretty good stride, shaking off disappointments with grace and a healthy amount of humility. They have my respect.

There’s also men aplenty who can’t get through five minutes of everyday life without subjecting everyone to their complaints de jour. But this is just whining, Annoying. yes, but an annoyance on which neither sex has cornered the market.

What I am talking about here is the idea that when something displeases you everyone around you has to suffer for it. Not just listen to it, but pay for it. The legal tender for this transaction is usually the common peace. You’ll have peace when, and only when, momma is satisfied. In more extreme cases it means nothing less than abusive control. This is more about women than men. Most coined phrases get sent to the mint with at least a morsel of truth to them; this one wasn’t submitted with Daddy’s name on it.

Women who hold their marriages and families hostage to their desires and whims, when they are even willing to admit to their actions, have the same litany of excuses and rationalizations. “If I don’t run things they won’t get done.” Or, “If I don’t run things my they won’t get done right.”

As a matter of fact, you can just think of the “If I don’t” line and fill in the blank with any number of imagined disasters that will occur if mommas way isn’t the only way. And pity the fool that gets in her way because momma will up the ante as much as necessary to ensure compliance. Up to and including dissolution of the family.


Of course this begs the question, what is the morality of anyone so bent on control? I’d argue that the moral foundation of these women is as solid as balsawood and twice as porous.

The depth of damage these women inflict on those around them has been well documented. Erin Pizzey founded the world’s first battered women’s shelter in 1971. She dedicated her life to the study of domestic violence and to the study of women in violent families. Her ultimate findings, although scientifically sound, were less than politically correct. That explains why you probably haven’t heard of her or her work.

Here is a clip taken from one of her 1988 book, “The Emotional Terrorist & The Violence Prone.”

“The family of the emotional terrorist well may be characterized as violent, incestuous, dysfunctional, and unhappy, but it is the terrorist or tyrant who is primarily responsible for initiating conflict, imposing histrionic outbursts upon otherwise calm situations, or (more subtly and invisibly) quietly manipulating other family members into uproar through guilt, cunning taunts, and barely perceptive provocations. (The quiet manipulative terrorist usually is the most undetected terrorist. Through the subtle creation of perpetual turmoil, this terrorist may virtually drive other family members to alcoholism, to drug-addiction, to explosive behavior, to suicide. The other family members, therefore, are often misperceived as the 'family problem' and the hidden terrorist as the saintly woman who "puts up with it all.")”

If this sounds familiar, it is because Pizzey’s “Emotional Terrorist,” is just an extreme illustration of not so uncommon behavior in women. She can be Mrs. Anyone, your missus, or you.

The solution to this is not so simple. Having counseled a number of families affected by emotional terrorism, I can tell you that getting through the denial of these women makes getting through the denial of an alcoholic seem like child’s play. Often the other victims in the family will rush to her defense, and while it makes treatment more difficult it is easy to understand.

First, the family members of domestic terrorists are often so beaten down and servile that they share the woman’s denial. They perceive her just as Pizzey describes, the saintly woman who puts up with it all. Second, confronting momma makes her really unhappy. It doesn’t take Sigmund Freud to figure out who will pay for it when the session is over.

No, solutions to problems like these are not so simple. The denial of the domestic terrorist is reinforced by the collective denial most of us share about the nature and behavior of women in the first place. Answers will be painfully slow in coming.

One good place to start is in each of us. This doesn’t mean bashing women. But it does mean holding them to higher standards than is currently the social norm. Women who undermine their marriages and families for the sake of controlling them are far from funny. Snickering at their behavior is like finding the humor in a man that pummels his wife because she burned his toast.

Many people of both sexes take the attitude that however women act, that’s the way they are. We might as well accept it. And therein lies the greatest of enabling fantasies about women. We all give them a pass on almost anything, no matter how egregious, and seldom think of who we are damaging in the process.

In that, emotional terrorists have gone undetected and unaddressed, bringing harm to themselves, their children and spouses; to the culture as a whole. We have little but ourselves to blame for it.

When society raises it’s standards, women will likely do the same.

geez...i was mixed up with miss anyone...i should copy this and send it to her.

Quote: "Many people of both sexes take the attitude that however women act, that’s the way they are. We might as well accept it. And therein lies the greatest of enabling fantasies about women. We all give them a pass on almost anything, no matter how egregious, and seldom think of who we are damaging in the process."

Key word: "enabling"

When we attribute these qualities (selfishness, over-reactiveness, etc) to one's gender, we enable them. We might as well say, "girls will be girls." I like the message you're conveying here, and I agree with it. Don't enable. Hold each person responsible for their own behavior. It's rarely about gender...our biological differences are very small when compared to our similarities, and what is often deemed as "biological difference" is, in fact, more often a difference in the way we are socialized, and socialization is something that we can do something about. We can stop reinforcing mal-adaptive behavior. We can stop making excuses for it. We can hold ourselves accountable for what we do. And we can expect others to be held accountable for what they do. (Easier said than done, I know.) It often takes great effort, and often a lot of stress, to change the way we behave. Enabling is an addiction in and of itself. A hard habit to break. It's painful as much for us as it is for the person we've been enabling. But nothing will change at all until we stop being co-dependent. Relationships can be re-aligned, but it's not easy. It takes time, it takes effort, and sometimes it takes nerves of steel.

You need not think of stealing, Lester. Have my words. Use them.

Recall the parable of the Talents. Invest my words wisely and well.

Like you have just done.

Remember also, the life of Percy. He whacked his way across the lands, defeating all (but a few) who ranged against him. He sent them to his King .... to serve his King.

I work a totally different way. But then I am as unqualified as my cat. I hope my cat doesn't read this.

Lester, you don't see the big picture that I see. (but you can't be a woman)

For me, men and women are trying to hold it together. Always they are trying to do their best in my eyes.

Dads always care about wives and children. I don't give any time to anyone who says he has no feelings or conscience or isn't a man. But it is such a heavy load to carry. Especially alone.

Mum is doing the same thing. She thinks the world evolves around her and that if she stopped; everything will fall to pieces. Can you appreciate how important her role is also?

Both cope as best they can. Yet for some reason neither is realising that the other will pick up the slack.

I tell women that there is not one woman on this earth that has it together. And that the load they are carrying is too much. About then the tears come. They are hurting.

Do you think women really like having to be the one who knows where every piece of clothing is in the house and where everything else is at any given time? And what time every appointment is and knows ahead whose birthdays are coming and how to celebrate them and then listens to problems that she can't help but take on board in a very personal way? That's just for starters.

Don't you think she wants to deep down be that princess her husband fell in love with?

Men are not so different. They think that they fail their family if they let them down. And they do care about their relationship too.

..................

I take women through a list of their issues. Usually the kids are first. They feel tied down to satisfying them and kids are always asking mum ... if she is weaker to get around dad. Even subconsciously,. kids play the 2 off.

Both mum and dad have it together when they are really close but put a divide between them, even both being busy with outside activities and the closeness goes out the door. There is a gap in their friendship and trust.

Both have to learn that neither is solely responsible for anything and both have to assure each other that they are sharing this load.

If mum falls to pieces ..... Dad will cope. End of story. He really will cope.

I ask mums this for each issue....... What is the worst thing that can happen if you don't control this issue?

I think when people think this way they find that the load is not as heavy as they make it out to be. And then they start shaking it off and caring more for themsleves as people who really have no control of much at all.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Why do you think recovering addicts feel blessed?

One of the most liberating things I've learned to do:

....I've learned to stop being obsessive and perfectionistic about the small stuff.

First I had to learn to identify what the "small things" really were. Dishes being loaded into a dishwasher "just so"....small stuff. A sock in the middle of the living room floor (instead of in the laundry hamper)- when I wanted to put my feet up after a hard day's work...small stuff. Let them be. Life's too short to stress yourself out over things that do need that much energy given to them. Save it for the really tough stuff. That's when you need it most.

Being perfectionistic is not only draining, not only futile, not only sets you up for failure, but it does all of those things (and more) to the people who must put up with you...those who live with you, those who work with you, those who love you.

It's not fair to make their lives miserable in such ways.

I learned to change my way of thinking about these things....and the result: I'm happier, my family is happier....there's peace under our roof, and the world has yet to come to an end.

Hi Julie, thanks for your comments.

I am not sure you are getting the piece. I have total sympathy for any man or woman so burdened by life, and so pressured that they feel like things will fall apart if they lose control.

That very simply is not the subject of this essay. And I really can't expect you to see the big picture on that. (you can't be a man)

If the pressure of knowing where all the socks are leads a person to be abusive, then clearly the issue is not a sense of over responsibility for socks. We (I) are talking about women who are so arrogant and entitled that they think the appropriate response to being displeased with something is to have the people they purport to love terrorized and walking on eggshells in the only home they have.

To excuse this type of behavior due to the pressures they signed up for when marrying and having children is unconscionable. And to me, it goes back to the status quo of blanket exoneration we we extend to women in this culture.

If you read my essay on "Joe Bob" you see an example, though not deeply illustrated, of the emotional terrorist. And you see the possible consequences of that terrorism unabated in the home.

I'm sorry, and I hope I am not misreading you, but it sounds like you are saying the behavior should be excused. I'll allow that only if you will allow that when a man has a bad day at work and handles it by choking and beating his wife, we should see the big picture and excuse him due to the pressures in his life.

Lester,

Women do act as emotional terrorists, but women aren't the only ones. What about the man who drinks to excess because of the extreme pressure he's under at work, comes home and berates the wife because dinner is late or not to his liking...scolds the kids (finds reasons, small, but treats them as huge), and kicks his dog on the way to the couch to have a few more beers before he retires for the night?

Women sometimes walk around on eggshells, too. I know you know that...the problem isn't gender specific. But if what you are trying to get across is that with men it's most often recognized as the problem that it really is, and it's held in contempt, while with women it's considered "normal behavior" and accepted, then I wholeheartedly agree....we need to recognize the forms of emotional terrorism that women are fully (and often) capable of. Neither is excusable, nor is it something we should be excusing on the basis of gender.

Is this what you are saying?

Tera, see my response to Julie and you should see that you are spot on. Though I do have one caveat. My experience is that while men are more destructive with physical violence, women are more destructive with emotional terrorism.

For the MRA's that take exception to that, please note that I qualify the violence with the word "destructive" I know women are as violent as men in the home, but far less successful at causing real physical damage.

And yes, Tera, my point, as in almost all my writings, is to encourage people to understand that most of the real negative about women are under recognized. (see letter to women)

It is also important to note that in Pizzey's work, which you should read, she traces a lot of violence in the home to a reaction to emotional terrorism in the home. Her words and I encourage you to check them out in the book I referenced in the essay. It is available free online.

Thanks, Lester, will do.

I am in tune with your essay. You speak about controlling women and I am telling you where it comes from.

If you honestly think that men fall deeply in love enough to give their all to one woman alone who is a bitch you are mistaken.

Men are not so dumb. And if you think that the bitch was a bitch to start with then you need to attack men not women.