A suicide in the Family

**khankrumthebulgar** · 24th-September-2008

I opened the dontgetmarried forum to read a posting that my Nephew by Marriage gave a grim message. His Uncle Jim took his life night before yesterday. Jim's Wife was abusing him. And there is a common thread of abusive Women's behavior in his Family. He is the Brother of my Ex Brother in Law. Here is the posting.

Bad Day

I didn't know all of the problems my Uncle Jim has been facing lately with his wife of 25 years, but she has for the last couple of years become increasingly unstable, a secret he kept from the family. We've hardly ever seen Jim since he's been married, because his wife had progressively been isolating him from us. Every time they'd come around for family get-togethers and the like, they'd have to leave after only a short time, because, "her back hurts" or "she's got a headache" or "she doesn't feel good." She seemed to get mad anytime he'd come around the family, calling and checking up on him, harassing him, getting him to come home. They lived only ten miles away, but I'd only seen him four times in the last two years. You get the picture.

His whole life revolved around his wife. She is practically an invalid, with some serious spinal problems that cost my uncle tens of thousands of dollars in surgeries, therapy, masseuses, and medications. She couldn't work, wouldn't cook or clean or do much of anything. Maybe she really couldn't do much of anything, but who really knows? My uncle has for years not only been the breadwinner, but he's also been the cook, house cleaner, masseur, and general gofer.

So at my aunt's insistence, he hired a personal assistant to help her out every day. This is a luxury that only the rich can afford, and though he's successful, Jim is not rich, and after several months of this massive expense, he decided he couldn't afford it and put a stop to it.

His wife freaked out, naturally. Accused him of not taking good care of her, not being a good husband, not providing for her, and blah, blah, blah. And after discussion by committee (her mother and sisters--bitches) she decided she wanted a divorce.

Last night, Jim's wife finally went psycho. She freaked out, threatened to kill herself (a regular occurrence, is what I'm told) and then actually tried to. Jim stopped her, called the police, and had them take her to a psych ward at a local hospital.

He called her dad and told her what happened, after which her dad accused Jim of not taking good enough care of her and generally browbeating him. Jim told her dad that he was going to pack some of her clothes and things for her stay at the hospital, and then go see her.

Here's where things get murky. At some point last night, the hospital called Jim and told her that they didn't have enough beds and that he was going to have to come and pick her up and take her home. He told them he would be coming to get her, and hung up the phone.

This morning Jim's sister-in-law went to his house to find out why he hadn't picked up her sister from the hospital. She went into the house and found my uncle sitting in his easy chair with his legs crossed, a sealed letter to his wife sitting next to him, a pen in his hand, and a list of all the different types of pills he had taken in his lap.

Jim killed himself in the night.

I don't know why. Nobody has read the letter he wrote to his wife. I guess he just couldn't take it anymore. I guess he decided he didn't want to deal with her shit if she was going to leave him anyway. He lived and breathed for her. He loved her like crazy and we all knew it. So I guess he decided dealing with it all would be too painful.

My grandma is devastated. My aunt is inconsolable; another of her big brothers is dead before he reached 50. My dad is taking it as well as he can, just glad that Jim didn't suffer in death. My brother thinks Jim was an idiot to kill himself; he doesn't get it.

I'm angry. I just need someone to blame. To punish. And I know it's all too complicated, and I'll never get satisfaction, but still I want to make sure someone pays. Irrational, I know. But there it is. That's how I feel.

I don't know why he didn't talk to someone in the family. Call one of his brothers, his sister, his mom. Me. One of us could have seen him though this, could have talked him down. And I want to know Why, and I know I probably never will.

The men in my family have a tendency to let the women in their lives destroy them. Happens so often it's a family joke. It happens to us all the time.

Now it's happened again.

**Feckless** · 24th-September-2008

My sincere condolences to you. This is really sad.

What happened to Jim reminds me of that:

Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same…a spouse becomes fearful of their partner and begins to change their behaviors to keep their partner happy. The happier their partner, the less domestic violence the spouse has to suffer. By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior. Below are some tactics an emotional abuser will use:

Isolating a spouse from friends and family.
Discourage any independent activities such as work; taking classes or activities with friends.
Accuse their spouse of being unfaithful if she talks to a member of the opposite sex.
Expect her/him to partake in sexual activities that he/she is uncomfortable with to prove their love. Or, withhold sex as punishment instead of communicating openly their displeasure.
Constantly criticize the spouses weight, their looks, they way they dress.
If the spouse does not give into the control they are threatened, harassed, punished and intimidated by the abuser.
Uses the children to gain control by undermining the other parent’s authority or threatening to leave and take the children.
Control all the financial decisions, refuse to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold important financial information and make their spouse live on limited resources.
Make all major decisions such as where to live, how to furnish the home and what type of automobile to drive.

THE VICTIM BEGINS TO FEEL LIKE A PRISONER OF WAR: People, who use emotional abuse to control others, use tactics similar to what prison guards use on prisoners of war. They know that physical control is not easily accomplished. They want the prisoners to cooperate and what better way to get someone to cooperate than to manipulate them emotionally?
In her book, Rape in Marriage, Diana Russell reprinted Biderman’s Chart of Coercion from an Amnesty International publication, Report on Torture, depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. Those who seek to control their intimate partners, use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. Below is Biderman’s Chart, it explains the methods used to “coerce” and the desired effects and purpose for the coercion:

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/a...onal_abuse.htm

**Dylan MacVillain** · 24th-September-2008

My condolencences, too, kktb. I am so sorry for you and your family.

Feckless, thank's for the info in your post!

**Percy** · 24th-September-2008

Khan, you have given so much to the MRM in support and understanding other men who have suffered. I am sorry this has happened in your family. I hope you can give your nephew some focus and maybe pass onto him the condolences of all of us in the Movement.

You take care of yourself too, my friend.

In my head a Jonny Cash song just started up... Another man done gone...

**chevalier** · 24th-September-2008

I offer my condolences as well my friend. I understand how Jim could have thought this was his only way out. It is very sad to lose an obviously caring man.

His death should galvanize the rest of us into action. I will not let his death be for nothing nor should the rest of us. His death was brought on by domestic violence against him and the inability to do anything about it because he is a man.

Again I am very sad for your loss and I will give a prayer for Jim and all of his family.

**KellyMac** · 24th-September-2008

**Marx** · 25th-September-2008

On behalf of all AntiMisandry site, I offer condolences. We'll close shop for a while tomorrow in respect of your loss. Be well.

**Dylan MacVillain** · 25th-September-2008

Quote from Marx

On behalf of all AntiMisandry site, I offer condolences. We'll close shop for a while tomorrow in respect of your loss. Be well.

Perhaps we could create a section in honor of Khan's Uncle Jim to remember men who have been lost in such tragic ways.

**Stan** · 25th-September-2008

Sad indeed.

**Marx** · 25th-September-2008

Not a bad idea. "Fallen Soldiers" or similar.

If we listed every felled man, who did so due to confirmed reasons of anti-male bias (e.g. could not get medical help as Doctors ignored pleas, went through 'typical' divorce, etc.) it would soon spill the forum and take over. If we relied purely on personal connections to those felled - I doubt we'd get too many to 'make a difference'.

**Dylan MacVillain** · 25th-September-2008

Quote from Marx

Not a bad idea. "Fallen Soldiers" or similar.

If we listed every felled man, who did so due to confirmed reasons of anti-male bias (e.g. could not get medical help as Doctors ignored pleas, went through 'typical' divorce, etc.) it would soon spill the forum and take over. If we relied purely on personal connections to those felled - I doubt we'd get too many to 'make a difference'.

Good point.

**Marx** · 25th-September-2008

The site was closed for about 5 minutes, at 1800 (6pm) GMT. Rest In Peace, Jim.

**Incognito** · 25th-September-2008

My deepest sympathies.

This is very, very sad.

**khankrumthebulgar** · 26th-September-2008

Many Thanks to all. I spoke with my Nephew yesterday and he informs me that the Wife is in a Psychiatric Hospital still. That her Family does not want to release the Body to his Family for burial. And they are blaming him still for the problems. His Father my Ex Brother in Law is enraged. I would be as well. I have posted for years about the problem and connection between Divorce and Suicide in Men. Sad to say it has impacted my extended Family. Jim was a good Man who deserved better treatment.

My thanks is a pay it forward request. Don't ignore warning signs in loved ones. If you see or hear somebody in the Family showing the signs intervene immediately. I will pass along your messages to the family and thanks again.

When My Brother in Law separated from his Wife. I called him and told him he could call me any time day or night if he needed to talk. And I was here for him. I found out later he was suicidal and my call changed his mind. I call him on a regular basis now to check up on him. And keep telling me he is loved and we would miss him if something were to happen to him.

**khankrumthebulgar** · 2nd-October-2008

I spoke with my ex by phone today. It seems that the Fiend is out of the mental Health facility and is attention Whoring herself as the "Grieving Widow". Second she and her Family colluded to schedule the Funeral so the Dead Husband's family from out of state could not stay for the Funeral. This was very deliberate on her part. I hope she is found deceased with a Crow Bar stuck in her Skull. She is a vacuous and amoral piece of Excrement.

This and the white washing of his Obituary is some of the most vile Lies ever printed and given to the public. A decent Man destroyed by an emotionally abusive Woman, and supported by her predatory Family.