7th-March-2006
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 | Established Member | | | |
Psychology Today fallacious article and my response | |
From Blatantly Bad on Psychology Today's website. Quote: Why did my future husband dump meafter I catered to his every wish? But when he put his hand on me and became violent and I called the police, that's when he said it was over? Why doesn't he take responsibility for this bad act and say he's sorry and continue our relationship?
Good questions, but there's a better one you must ask yourself: Why are you so eager to continue a relationship with a guy who's putting up flashing neon signs that he's terrible mate material?
He can't apologize for his act because he doesn't really think it's bad. He thinks you did something much worsebetrayed him, by calling the cops. Of course, you acted to protect yourself, a smart move. He's supposed to love you, not assault you. Somehow, he's got some warped notions about relationships. One is that it's OK to control you by any means possible, including violence whenever his really hot buttons get pushed. Every couple faces difficult issues; you resolve them by talking them out, not duking it out.
By catering to his every wish you have not disabused him of the notion that he is entitled to demand whatever he wants from you...or else. There's nothing at all wrong with catering to a partner's whimsprovided the partner caters to your needs and wishes, too. Relationships work only when they are two-way streets. You have made yours a one-way street and not put up any stop signs.
Your partner's actions suggest that, at the very least, you will be the one blamed for problems that arise in the future. You have legitimate needs for love, communication, respect andabove allsafety in a relationship. Search for a new partner who can meet those very basic needs.
| My response: Quote:
Dear Psychology Today,
I am sure Hara Estroff Marano's recent articles on damaging relationships and domestic violence were well received by those who could use the advice, but one passage entitled "Blatantly Bad" is little more than jumping to conclusions. I would think "put his hand on me and became violent" is a bit vague and subject to perception. Just what action is that, exactly? A man holding a woman's hand in and argument could be described with that phrase. So how can we know he doesn't think his act is bad when we don't even know what the act was? Do we know for sure he has warped notions about relationships? Can we really assume from three short sentences written by a man's partner that he desires to control her any way he wishes?
There's just so much in these few paragraphs that is derived from nothing more than Hara Estroff Marano's imagination that I find the advice more threatening to decent men than helpful to women.
I write this not to make excuses for violent men, but because too many men have been prosecuted for mundane behavior their partners "thought" was violent. I hope you can understand my concern.
Herb M.
| If someone could also put this up on SYG, I'd appreciate it.
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