A balanced checkbook? Now thatÂ’s sexy

Lovers say fiscal responsibility is twice as important as sexual harmony.

By Liz Pulliam Weston

When it comes to finding lasting love, financial responsibility beats out hot sex, at least according to a survey commissioned by credit scoring company Fair Isaac.

The survey of 1,022 American adults, conducted by Opinion Research Group, asked what two personal traits were most important to a long-term relationship. The answers:

• Faithfulness and honesty came out first and second, selected by 53% and 52% of the respondents, respectively.
  
  Financial responsibility was third, selected by 22% of the respondents.
  
  A sense of humor was No. 4 (18%).
  
  Sexual compatibility came in fifth, selected by just 10% of the respondents. Erotic harmony was more important to men than women -- 12% of males cited it, compared with 8% of females -- but it still ranked last with both sexes.

Respondents were asked, "Which two of the following five personal traits do you consider more important than the others in sustaining your relationships with a husband, wife or significant other?"


WhatÂ’s more important?
total | male | female | trait
53% | 50% | 56% | Faithfulness
52% | 52% | 51% | Honesty
22% | 20% | 24% | Financial Responsibility
18% | 18% | 18% | Sense of Humour
10% | 12% | 08% | Sexual Compatibility
13% | 13% | 13% | All of the above
01% | 01% | 01% | None of the above
Source: Opinion Research Group. Margin of error plus or minus 3 percentage points.

You might expect that a financial concern like Fair Isaac -- which came up with the three-digit credit-scoring formula most lenders use to evaluate your creditworthiness -- would value fiscal sobriety. But a spokesman for the company said they weren't expecting so much of the public to share their view.

"I definitely didn't expect people to say their mate's financial responsibility was more important than sexual compatibility for sustaining relationships," said Fair Isaac spokesman Craig Watts. "That's not something that the daytime soaps want to hear!"

A big source of pressure
Financial troubles ranked even higher when people were asked what situations put the most pressure on relationships. Problems paying bills tied with in-law troubles as the top sources of stress.

Respondents were asked, "Which two of the following six situations have put the most pressure and stress on your relationships with a husband, wife or significant other?"

WhatÂ’s the worst stress on your relationship?
Total | Male | Female | Situation
30% | 26% |33% | Problems with in-laws, relatives
30% | 27% |32% | Problems paying bills
24% | 20% |28% | Problems with children
24% | 27% |20% | Work-related situations
21% | 21% |22% | Lack of intimacy/affection
10% | 12% |09% | Political, religious disagreements
01% | 02% |01% | All of the above
12% | 13% |11% | None of the above

Anyone who's been in a relationship with a financially irresponsible mate knows how much tension the resulting money problems can cause. Ask Lori in Idaho, a newlywed who e-mailed me after being blindsided by her new husband's bills.

"When we got together, he never told me he had bad debt," she wrote. "Now that we are married, it seems like it is just popping up all over the place."

His bad credit caused a crisis when the couple had to move suddenly and had trouble finding a landlord who would rent to them. They found a place at the last minute, but Lori said the stress was overwhelming.

"He keeps talking about buying a house or starting his own business, but his past is killing us," Lori said, "and I am afraid it is going to affect our marriage."

You might think such relationships are doomed; after all, it's pretty hard to row a boat to shore when your partner is punching holes in the hull. But that's not necessarily so, said psychotherapist Olivia Mellan.

"Some people really do want to change, and they do the work that's required," said Mellan, author of several books about money, including "Overcoming Overspending: A Winning Plan for Spenders and Their Partners." "Others can't, won't, don't."

Can this financial partnership be saved?
Both partners' willingness to communicate and compromise is essential to surviving financial problems, as I discussed in “9 ways to rein in a spendthrift spouse.”

Here are some ways to get on the same path financially:

Start talking. Most conflicts about money involve so many other issues -- fear, resentment, control, power -- that it's easy for a disagreement to turn into a screaming match. Both partners need to make a commitment to calm discussion and to listening to the other's point of view. It's usually better to use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel frightened when I discover new debts I didn't know about" or "I feel strangled when every purchase is questioned" than to launch accusations like "Your debts are going to ruin us!" or "You're a nag!"

Understand the back story. Our attitudes about money are shaped by our experiences and influences, with some of our most deeply held beliefs rooted in our childhoods. That doesn't excuse irresponsibility or stinginess or whatever the current problems are, but knowing the back story on how your partner's attitudes were shaped can help give you the understanding and compassion you need to reach some compromises.

Get the real picture. Sit down together and get your credit reports. (Federal law entitles each American to free credit reports annually from each of the three major bureaus; you can order yours here.) This will give you a pretty good idea of each other's debts and ability to handle credit. Discuss what you find and work out a plan for correcting any problems; MSN MoneyÂ’s Protecting Your Credit Score Decision Center can help. By the way, this isn't just a good idea for married couples: this is a step you should take as soon as you get serious enough about someone to talk about marriage or moving in together.

Get help. MSN Money also has a Decision Center on money and relationships that can provide helpful information. But serious problems with money may require serious intervention: therapy, Debtors Anonymous, a fee-only financial planner or all of the above.

Consider separating your finances until the problem is resolved. Separating finances usually involves closing joint bank and credit accounts and setting up separate accounts in each individual's name. The partners may agree on a fixed contribution for joint expenses, but the overspender won't be "bailed out" by cash infusions from the other partner, Mellan said.

These steps carry more legal weight in some states than in others. Married couples in community-property states -- Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin -- can't easily escape each others' bills. Debts incurred during marriage in those states are generally considered joint debts, just as income earned by one spouse is generally considered community property.

So if you're in a community-property state and not yet married, you might want to hold off until the financial problems are resolved. If you're already wed, the overspending is a serious issue and you have significant assets as stake, consider consulting an experienced family law attorney about ways to legally separate your finances in community property states.

Whatever your state, though, separating your finances can provide the psychological edge you may need to deal with financial issues. Mellan calls it a "sensible self-defense" that can preserve financial security as well as objectivity.

"If every step backward hurts you in the wallet," she wrote in "Overcoming Overspending," "you'll never be able to maintain the compassionate detachment necessary to help your partner heal."

Much of the above seems to correlate with my experiences too. Of course, this article has used the man as poor money manager, gotta be PC donchya know.