On pain and loss, and anger.

**Douglas** · 30th-January-2011

I came on to this site with thoughts that I could learn and contribute. Help and receive.

I know it's a stupid thing to get upset over but some stupid brat, too young to have ANY clue what it is REALLY like to be hurt as a man has ...

Well, it doesn't matter, really.

What matters is that it has stirred up my anger, my pain, my hurt. That deep ache for my kids. My recollection of being made to feel utterly powerless as she took my home from me. The financial ruin as I went from a successful, productive man with three businesses to a bankrupt with no home, no wife, no children, no fucking future. I could say it was all because she wanted to play the field with someone else but that's not really it, you know. As much as I hate what she did and how she behaved, it was the law, it was society's screwed up attitude that says an adulterous bitch who splits up the family can be someone who is best suited for caring for the children.

I hurt.

Why is divorce not based on marriage? I kept to my marriage vows, she didn't: yet she was allowed to divorce me. It's wrong.

I really hurt.

That was ten years ago. I'm not the same man. I don't suppose I ever will be.

And some snot-nosed little kid thinks HE can be justified in feeling anger over the misandry in our society. Well, he can, and should. But he should also realise that men have suffered brutal abuse that has been allowed, if not perpetuated, by society. That men have been ruined and destroyed, turned from happy and useful members of society into homeless tramps AND SOCIETY DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK.

I hurt.

I still love her. If you've been through it you know how that is. I don't love the woman who left me: I love the woman I married. I still don't know whether she really ever existed.

I've loved since, too. I've been through break-ups before and it's a long time since I last blamed all women for the actions of one. I think I still love one woman but it's hard to know - both she and I have been damaged by past relationships, perhaps too much. We're good friends, and that is important for me.

I spent over 20 years working hard to pay off a house. Quite a nice one, by the small standards of houses in the UK. An expensive house. No mortgage: I paid it off. The year before she decided to play the field. I don't have it now. All but a few thousand pounds of it went (there's nothing quite like going bankrupt when you still have money).

I'm stunned and I'm just writing. Writing while my tears re-emerge. I hurt. Ten years and I still hurt. My doctor understands. He prescribes me meds when I really need them but he understands, too, that I try to be a proud man despite all that has happened, and that I don't want to rely on external medication.

Maybe I won't post this. Maybe it's too raw.

The last counsellor I saw to help me sort my head out, started well but in the second session started talking about how men have to take responsibility for what we do. How important it is for all fathers to do what they can after divorce, even if that only means supporting our children. I didn't strangle him. I still don't really know how. Great restraint on my part there, I think.

See? A bit of humour always helps.

And you help, whoever you are. Because you will read this and maybe you will care. And it's caring, really, that's important. Hate is easy; all we need to do is look outside of ourselves and see what other people do wrong and hate can easily come. Compassion is harder: there, we need first to look inwards to know that we are not perfect and then outwards to know that other people have virtues as well as faults, just like we do.

On that note, I'll say goodnight.

**Marx** · 30th-January-2011

I relate in much of what you write. She whom I dated was not the woman I was married to, nor the woman I divorced. Strangely, she is now so alike to her pre-marriage self than ever.

The mind boggles.

**Percy** · 30th-January-2011

You express it well, Douglas.

There are many here who feel just as you do.

If it is any help, my friend, the hurt will fade. The memory will always be there. And the loss. And the sense of betrayal, rejection, complete disregard for your Integrity.

But the pain will pass.

You WILL come out of it stronger.

A different man and I hope a better one.

**Chris Wedge** · 31st-January-2011

Makes me bleed inside, especially when I see all the time we waste infighting. And picking on the women who are the solution, not the problem - some of us.

I've felt powerless at times too. Mostly petty child concerns, but not always. There's a reason I failed sixth form, pretty much. Not bullying or any of that weak stuff, either.

It's true that sometimes all you can do to stop from becoming an hero (aka: offing yourself) is to mentally take a melody, simple as it can be, give it some words with a sweet harmony, raise your inner voice - see love growing strong (an important part) and then sing this melody of love... this can even defeat invading alien forces! (oh my god that sounds so cheesy, but if you know the reference, a guaranteed chuckle.)

But seriously - I reflect on the ordeals many men (and some women by proxy) have suffered in the misandristic culture. Then I remember happy tales - such as men being taken seriously, or that of silentblood's meeting with Lady Catherine (go read it, srsly) and start to look on the bright side of life (Life of Brian style!)
Human tragedy (or the tragedy of any sapient, for those of you looking forward to alien contact) is always hard to see and read and feel. This isn't like a video game where if you accidentally get the adorable machinist killed you can reload. (Not that I ever have...)

All I can say is... good luck, and I don't pretend to be able to comprehend all of what you and many like you are going through... but I will admit that has advantages too.

**bowspearer** · 31st-January-2011

Hey Douglas,
I hope it wasn't backing me up on online opinion which has upset you like this- if it was, I'm sorry because I'm starting to think it was a bad idea for both of us.

The wounds we feel, the wounds we all feel, are long and deep, to varying times. Feminists claim that all men know how to do is destroy, and yet we prove them wrong, even at times like this when things get too much. Some of us who are child abuse survivors and former battered men, have suffered horrors an pain for most of our lives to date. Others of us have suffered the unspeakable evil of chilren being used as psychological weapons against us and will do so, maybe for the rest of our natural lives.

You say it was 10 years ago, but if it's still ongoing with kids being in the picture, can it truly be over for you? What you're feeling now is totally natural- anyone who might tell you to "man up" honestly has no clue what it's like to really be a man.

I know what you mean about the mental health profession- a psychiatrist I saw last year responded to the disclosure of my being sexually assaulted by a fellow male student at age 16 with "you're not gay are you"? For all their knowledge, mental health professionals certainly do lack common sense.

I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to deal with the kind of pain you're going through, although others on here will have had similar enough expereinces that they probably do; but if you ever need to talk or anything, shoot me a line.

One other thing, contrary to what's been said, don't be afraid to cry if you need to. Forget about what the reactions that thjose who hurt you deserve- what matters at times like this is what you need and if what you need is to cry, then cry- there are many of us here, myself included who are more than happy to offer you a shoulder to do so on.