Thank you all for your kind words.

To many of you, I agree, any accusation on her part is certainly going to seem spurious, but I've heard so many horror stories about these things, and I do have a criminal record. I'm not a violent man, and I never have been, but that is also the case for many other men who have been put through the wringer. I've also heard nasty stories about how these things can be pursued in a civil capacity; i.e if she has no chance of a criminal case she might try to sue me, and in those areas the rules for evidence and other matters are less restrictive, or so I have heard. I don't know if she is even genuine in her threat, and I'm sure if I can find a good solicitor and get some sound advice it will do much to put my mind at ease. Nevertheless, at this point, I must confess to being a little scared; after all if she is willing to lie to the police, what else might she be willing to do?

That said, I'm not so much afraid as angry.

I am baffled and quite frankly don´t know what to say, besides whishing you the best and hoping you feel better and continue to get better. What a horrible situation.

Thanks for your support Fek.

Is there any possibility that you could get a blackmailing attempt by her caught on tape?

I'll try this.

After all of this and you are still not ready to give up the opiates and the benzos entirely?

Even if I wanted too, I couldn't give up benzos. Kalma (Alpros) which I'm taking on prescription is something I need, literally, in order to not be insane. As for the opiates, well, in terms of toxicity they're not really harmful; it's just that the drugs I was taking were mixed with NSAIDs, which are.

The main problem, Tera, is that in this country we have a very different attitude to drugs than in the US. Over here the standard treatment is about harm-minimization; any facility I go to simply offers to put me on methadone, which is ironically enough even more addictive than the shit I'm on now, and they're quite happy to let you stay on it for the rest of your life. Sod that. I can get pure codeine which they give to dogs with heart disease; there's no damn difference. I just need to avoid the NSAIDs.

For everyone else who responded, I say thank you, especially to you Percy, and I'm glad of all the offers of support. That said, I'm fairly sure I'll get through this. The worst is over, and all that.

Quote from dad_savage

I'm not sure if I should be writing this down here,...... My apologies, know that despite my own problems you have been in my hopes and thoughts during this time, as have all the wonderful people here at AM who, so many of whom in so many ways, mean so very much to me.

"" My ex phoned me and blamed me for the fact that she had run over her cat (supposedly she was so stressed with worry over me, despite not visiting me once while I was in hospital, or even phoning me) she then had the effrontery to demand I pay the 6,000 or so dollars in vet bills this accident had incurred""

I would not call it effrontery - she just dropped her facade as she figured she could not bounce you for any more advantage - she was always like that

My mom takes methadone for pain management. I hate that she does that, but you know what they say about trying to counsel a family member. I've been trying with her since I was 13. I'm staying with her right now. I see how she is on the methadone from day to day. Yes, it's addictive, and the withdrawals can be brutal, but if you take it the way you're supposed to, it works for chronic pain fairly well. Opiates, on the other hand, are not meant for long term use. They are meant to take for acute pain, and for that they work well. By taking these long term, you have effectively shut off your brain's natural opiate-making factory and built such a tolerance to the narcotics that I sincerely doubt they actually kill pain at all. You probably take them just to feel somewhat "normal", or, for their mind-altering "euphoric" effect (if you can still feel it).

The benzos to stay sane? Is shooting your cat sane? I'm not trying to be hard on you, but damn...after all that's happened and you are still in incredible denial. I know if I push this issue you're likely to end up mad at me. You're a wise man, DS. If you care to, one day soon you might sit down and calculate just how much your addictions have cost you. I'm not talking just about money (though that's part of it)- but medical bills, injuries, relationships, depression, physical pain, emotional suffering...how much more do you want to "spend"?

I'll leave you alone now. No more counseling from the resident counselor. You're a really cool person...as I said before (on your profile page)- interesting on so many levels.

Quote from dad_savage

That said, I'm not so much afraid as angry.

Use that anger to dispel the fear.

Yes, it's addictive, and the withdrawals can be brutal, but if you take it the way you're supposed to, it works for chronic pain fairly well. Opiates, on the other hand, are not meant for long term use. They are meant to take for acute pain, and for that they work well. By taking these long term, you have effectively shut off your brain's natural opiate-making factory and built such a tolerance to the narcotics that I sincerely doubt they actually kill pain at all. You probably take them just to feel somewhat "normal", or, for their mind-altering "euphoric" effect

Just to note, methadone is an opiate. I'm not sure if it's a natural opiate or a synthetic, but regardless it functions on the same part of the brain and is actually considered to be a more prone to recreational abuse than codeine (i.e it creates a greater 'high'); Morphine, Heroin, Codeine, Oxy-Contin, Trammel, Pethidine, etc. These all function in the same way. Every strong analgesic in existence is either directly derived from opioid alkaloids or is a synthesized opiate; aside from direct anaesthetics (like novocain and cepacaine) mild analgesics like aspirin or paracetamol or NSAIDs (Anti-inflammatories such as Ibuprofen) - Opiates are not physically toxic to any substantial degree (far less so than alcohol or tobacco, for example) opiate addiction is dangerous for several reasons;

1) street drugs vary in quality and strength. A safe dose from one supplier may be a lethal dose if obtained from another supplier who cuts less.

2) pharmacuetical opiates are often time-release or combination drugs (MS Contin for example) the waxes and other products used to achieve this time-release function can kill if these tablets are crushed up and injected, and the other preperations they are mixed with are often not safe for injection either. Simmilar issues can arise if the drugs are snorted or smoked.

3) unclean/unsanitary use of needles leads to spread of HIV, Hepatitis, etc.

4) Most OTC Opiates contain 'sister' drugs such as paracetamol or ibuprofen which, if taken in large doses, are incredibly toxic.

Hence, harm-minimization. Methadone is a 'clean' form of opiate which sates the need for addiction, but presents none of the dangers of illicit drugs or OTC concoctions. Since I can obtain clean opiates myself, this avenue avails me of nothing. You're right in that you say I take them for their mind-altering effects. I do. I enjoy them. The fact is though that were I to take methadone, it would make no difference save that it would complicate my life severely (when one takes methadone they must report daily to the out-patient clinic, this information is distributed through various official channels and is available to prospective employers and so on, it can greatly restrict ones freedom) sorry if I seem to be talking down to you or anything, I'm sure you probably already know most of this stuff I'm just trying to explain why I don't bother with outpatient/inpatient treatment; doing so in a deliberate fashion so as to avoid any kind of misunderstandings. Besides which, I don't want to stop taking the stuff; I enjoy it, it's been a part of my life since I was nineteen, I simply need to take control of it and have the discipline to enjoy it as one might enjoy a glass of whiskey of an evening, as opposed to hitting the bottle at nine AM and keeping it up all day, every day.

The benzos to stay sane? Is shooting your cat sane? I'm not trying to be hard on you, but damn...

I shot my cat during what was in essence a psychotic episode. I over-dosed on both benzos and opiates so that I wouldn't feel any pain when I shot myself. The Benzos I normally take, at the normal dose, do actually prevent such episodes.

after all that's happened and you are still in incredible denial.

As I explained in my initial post. I had stopped taking all of my normal medication (benzos, aropax and epilum) because I was taking so much codeine it was essentially pacifying me, and masking the mental problems which I have had for some time. These problems are quite severe. When I got out of hospital, I was no longer taking the opiates, but did not think that those problems which I have always had would reassert themselves; in the absence of the codeine, they did, and that is why I went off-the-wall. The only reason I had benzo's in the house was because the doctor had given me some to help me sleep (codeine withdrawel often generates insomnia) - I don't abuse benzos, and never have (save during my attempted suicide) but am now taking kalma, a benzo designed to reduce mania, paranoia and panic, and it is helping me a great deal.

I hope you understand there. It wasn't the benzos which were part of the problem. In fact they are part of the solution (along with aropax and epilum) allowing me to not go crazy and to stop self-medicating with opiates.

It's a strong possibility that your 'psychotic episode' and any previous or present mental health issues could be a direct cause of your drug use. You've been using since age 19. Ever heard of chemically-induced psychosis?

And even if you had MH issues before that, it is also very likely you are exacerbating them with your drug use, not making them better...though having the idea that your actually helping things by using these drugs is a common enough misconception made by many addicted persons.

Dad, my friend, I hope you can beat this curse and get better. An exceptional brain and a fine mind are being befuddled.

You still haven't called me. I am here for you, mate.

You still haven't called me. I am here for you, mate.

As soon as I'm back home, I'll phone you. I don't want to clog up my buddies phone with long-distance bills, after all he's done for me.

It's a strong possibility that your 'psychotic episode' and any previous or present mental health issues could be a direct cause of your drug use. You've been using since age 19. Ever heard of chemically-induced psychosis?

It's possibly my drug use might have exacerbated some of my problems, but highly unlikely this is the result of opiate use. Opiate's are not among those drugs capable of causing such issues; generally hallucinogenic and stimulants are the problem there, I've done allot of hallucinogens in my time, but even so I can tell you my problems began long before I turned nineteen.

And even if you had MH issues before that, it is also very likely you are exacerbating them with your drug use, not making them better...though having the idea that your actually helping things by using these drugs is a common enough misconception made by many addicted persons.

Opiates are actually considered to be highly beneficial for those who suffer depression and anxiety; I can point you to a number of studies confirming this fact. Their potential for abuse however prevents the medical community from, by and large, endorsing their use as a drug for 'mental pain' though they, by all accounts, do an exceptional job at treating it. A result of a 1990 study (Undertaken at Harvard) has seen Beupronorphine used in this capacity however; the mu opioid receptors in the brain which mediate physical pain are also linked to emotional pain, the sense of well-being and so on. Many depressives suffer co-morbidity; i.e. unexplained physical pain, naturally analgesics also help with this.

I know, addicts rationalize their addictions. So you've probably had people tell you things like this before. I am at least honest though; I take it because it makes me feel good, I've taken it for my entire adult life, and I will go on taking it as long as I can obtain it in a form that will not destroy me physically.

I pay my bills, own my house, do my job, etc. This addiction does not make me a non-functioning human, and it gives me immense pleasure, why, therefore, should I stop? Yes, naturally, you may reference my recent episode, but trust me when I tell you the dysfunction I experienced then was a result of personal stupidity (thinking my mental problems had simply 'gone away' when in fact my raging opiate abuse had simply masked them) and ingrained mental problems which, for the most part, probably have to do with my childhood (which I certainly will not discuss in public) and various other ordeals; they had manifested themselves quite noticeably in my teens.

As far as mental health is concerned I have seen many psychiatrists and psychologists. Most of whom are quite useless. I have however luckily been seeing a fantastic therapist for the last eight years, and I tell you truthfully there are no secrets between he and I, everything I have told you, he knows, and more, and I act on his advice, he agrees with me that the drugs are not a good thing, but understands and appreciates that if the habit can be administered with discipline it might impinge my life no worse than the habits of heavy drinker (not an alcoholic) in that I can still function and the health risks are small.

Quote from Percy

Dad, my friend, I hope you can beat this curse and get better. An exceptional brain and a fine mind are being befuddled.

I'll second that.

I'm so sorry for your troubles, DS. I can't believe that your ex is allowed to move into your house and remain against your will. She is not a minor, you have no legal obligation for her care of maintenance.......I'm amazed anew at the the stupidity that manages to pass for law.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Quote from dad_savage

As soon as I'm back home, I'll phone you. I don't want to clog up my buddies phone with long-distance bills, after all he's done for me.



It's possibly my drug use might have exacerbated some of my problems, but highly unlikely this is the result of opiate use. Opiate's are not among those drugs capable of causing such issues; generally hallucinogenic and stimulants are the problem there, I've done allot of hallucinogens in my time, but even so I can tell you my problems began long before I turned nineteen.



Opiates are actually considered to be highly beneficial for those who suffer depression and anxiety; I can point you to a number of studies confirming this fact. Their potential for abuse however prevents the medical community from, by and large, endorsing their use as a drug for 'mental pain' though they, by all accounts, do an exceptional job at treating it. A result of a 1990 study (Undertaken at Harvard) has seen Beupronorphine used in this capacity however; the mu opioid receptors in the brain which mediate physical pain are also linked to emotional pain, the sense of well-being and so on. Many depressives suffer co-morbidity; i.e. unexplained physical pain, naturally analgesics also help with this.

I know, addicts rationalize their addictions. So you've probably had people tell you things like this before. I am at least honest though; I take it because it makes me feel good, I've taken it for my entire adult life, and I will go on taking it as long as I can obtain it in a form that will not destroy me physically.

I pay my bills, own my house, do my job, etc. This addiction does not make me a non-functioning human, and it gives me immense pleasure, why, therefore, should I stop? Yes, naturally, you may reference my recent episode, but trust me when I tell you the dysfunction I experienced then was a result of personal stupidity (thinking my mental problems had simply 'gone away' when in fact my raging opiate abuse had simply masked them) and ingrained mental problems which, for the most part, probably have to do with my childhood (which I certainly will not discuss in public) and various other ordeals; they had manifested themselves quite noticeably in my teens.

As far as mental health is concerned I have seen many psychiatrists and psychologists. Most of whom are quite useless. I have however luckily been seeing a fantastic therapist for the last eight years, and I tell you truthfully there are no secrets between he and I, everything I have told you, he knows, and more, and I act on his advice, he agrees with me that the drugs are not a good thing, but understands and appreciates that if the habit can be administered with discipline it might impinge my life no worse than the habits of heavy drinker (not an alcoholic) in that I can still function and the health risks are small.

DS, you're right about the rationalizations- you've got many- and justifications, too...and lots of intellectualizing- and even more defense mechanisms to help your addiction flourish. You're right, I've heard most of them before but you've got some new ones in there, too. It would almost be funny but for the fact that you really could die if you don't get help. If your therapist that you've been seeing for the last eight years were really that good, you wouldn't be still seeing him after eight years.

If your therapist that you've been seeing for the last eight years were really that good, you wouldn't be still seeing him after eight years.

Don't rag on my therapist, please. He's incredibly good. These arn't simple problems. Most people have to deal with them for their entire lives, some never get over them; the mere fact that I can live a normal life, be gainfully employed and financially secure proof that I'm being well treated and trying hard; most people with issues like mine are on disability.

*BIG BEAR HUGZ*
I don't what to say other them I am glad you are back bro, sorry for the lateness of this reply.