Handwritten Letters To My Fiancee Carol II
by, 15th-August-2012 at 05:47 PM (279 Views)
Recently, I began a relationship with a wonderful woman, and I've been handwriting her letters once a week for close to a year now. Daily, we speak on the phone, and communicate via the internet.
But my feelings for her go beyond these methods of communication. So, I began hand writing her these letters, and I send these with a card in what is now referred to as snail mail. I view this method of intimate communication at times a very under utilized form of sharing thoughts and feelings with another. I have not wrote letters in this way since high school, which was well before the advent of the internet.
In these letters I write to this amazing girl, I find myself sharing emotions more completely than sharing them in another way. Presently, I live in a homeless shelter. These letters reflect my life living in such an enviornment. Also, I share my very intimate feelings with this girl:
Thank you for spending your days and nights with me. You make my days a lot better here. And you are very popular where I live. The guys here know how I feel about you and the treats you are sending me will increase your popularity that much more.
So I'm thinking possibly by next month, I'll have money to come see you. I'm thinking about 400.00 dollars should cover my flight and a hotel room for us. We'll get separate rooms, since we are not married and all.
I've had a headache all day today. I always get headaches, when the weather changes. Don't ask me why.
Most of the guys here are black and are older than me. I've been here for about 4 months now. And I've made some friends-a few are guys who think I'm a genius because I can read and write. Scott is an older white friend of mine here. He was a special Forces medic during the Vietnam War.
And right now, he is in school for his PhD as a physician assistant. I do not know the stories of how these guys here ended up homeless, and they do not know mine. But some guys here are quite amazing, and very intelligent.
Having you in my life now makes me want to move forward that much more. In time, I'll be able to move up there. So we need to be patient, and we'll makes this happen. I enjoyed writing you again and we'll speak soon. I love you very much, D
Others are using the computer right now so I thought I'd write you another letter.
It sucks I'm not working yet. I'm very glad I got this job, but this delay means it will be that much longer to see you again. Hopefully, I'll hear from my boss this week.
I'm sorry about the phones here. At times, I ask you to call me not knowing another is using the phone. I need to buy some minutes to activate it again sometime.
I'm glad I have a place to stay, but community living sucks. The biggest complaint I have is the noise early in the morning. Some of the guys here sleep during the day, due in part to the fucked up drugs prescribed to them that sedate them. As a result, they get up in the middle of the night, and make alot of noise. They are not very considerate at all. I have ear plugs that help block out this noise a little bit.
I miss a lot about you, but I particularly miss holding you nest to me. I miss feeling your breath, and your warmth.
I will have to face legal issues in the future. Anything could happen, as I face these issues. Just contact those people, it I ever end up in jail. And I will write you, if that ever happens. Nothing really scares me these days. Anyway, I'll continue to chat with you online as long as I can. And I hope to continue to talk with you on the phone at least once a day. Thank you for keeping me company in these extremely long days.
I'm very happy we are together, and I love you very much.
Thank you for spending your days with me. I really enjoy your company, and the words you share with me.
At this point it is unlikely I will go to jail. But it I do, I'll again need you to contact these people, so please hold on to this list of people I have given you.
As soon as I have the money, I will come up there to see you. I need to see you again. In time, I will move up there to be with you. I love you very much. D
When we chat now, I think of the time spent together, now a month ago. The first thing I remember about you, is your smile, when I first saw you. Your very beautiful smile.
What I remember next is how your hand felt. It is very soft and warm, and I felt how you gripped my hand.
Next, I remember your laugh--especially at Steak n Shake. Your laugh is infectious-you make those around you happy, when you laugh.
And I remember entering our hotel room-and suddenly being with you naked on our bed. I remember first my hand feeling that gorgeous skin of yours. With the greatest of ease, I'm suddenly on top of you, and inside of you.
Also, I remember you eating pizza and watching you drink orange crush. I remember how fantastic your hair looked, after you took a shower. And I remember holding your hand, when we were not in our hotel room.
You and I both have really bad memories for different reasons. We now both have great memories, and I choose to focus on these. We will form more great memories soon. I love you, D
I think you are shopping with Julia right now, so I feel like writing you.
Scott and Kevin, two older white dudes, are on the computers now and I'm watching the movie" The Thing"once again. There is a cute girl in the movie, so.....
Earlier, I got some cards to mail you, as well as some soda, candy, and ramen noodles. It's nice having a little bit of cash on me now. Also, I got some smokes and crackers.
I enjoyed my walk to Walgreens. I got to do some people watching, and I got some exercise. And, I looked good out in public-I had the sport coat you and I bought on over a burgundy sweatshirt , and jeans. Because of the way I normally dress, no one really knows I am homeless.
My daughter continues to avoid contacting me, parental alienation at its finest. I wrote her at least once a week, for two years, after her mother decided to show her true colors. I no longer write her and will have to wait until she is older for her to discover and realize the truth about her mother. I think I'm able to better tolerate the pain of her absence now.
Your cocaine stories are both very sad, and very interesting. I can't imagine the pain you experienced then, on a few different levels. After hearing your story, I fully understand why your ex treats you the way he does now. I'm very glad he cares about you.
We were at Outback Steakhouse five weeks ago. I think we made love after that.
I can actually feel you, when we speak on the phone. So please keep calling as often as you want. I love your voice and your laugh.
I want us to remain engaged, Carol. We definitely belong together. In time, I promise I'll be up there with you in some way. I think my employer has an operation in Milwaukee so I'll work on that. But you are the defintely the only one for me.
Thanks for talking to me so much every day. If I ever discover something I don't like about you, I'll let you know. But so far, you are perfect. I love you very much, D
It's Friday afternoon, and I'm speaking with Patrick, and waiting for my boss to call. Patrick is about 10 years older than me, and still uses drugs. He makes it quite clear that he lives here because he is homeless and not to get treatment for drug use. At least he is honest, and he is fairly entertaining. Like me, he is white, and generous with what he has to give.
It's now Saturday afternoon, and I think you may be sleeping. And I really wish I was sleeping with you. I experienced a lot of needed comfort and peace, when we were together. It was very easy for me to trust you, and enjoy you completely. And you seemed to really trust me, during our time together. Thank you for knowing that I would not harm you.
I write you in pencil now so I don't smear ink as I write to you. It's a problem us left handers have, making a mess occasionally. But we are often very smart and creative, so it all balances out in the end.
You are opening presents now, and I hope you get a lot of cool stuff. I really never was that much into Christmas, so I am cool just hanging out with the boys. Right now, the movie "Vulture City" is playing, and I'm watching this with Marvin, Kenny, and Scott. Kenny is notorious for getting these B movie DVDs. Although we did watch "King Kong" a few nights ago.
It's Christmas day now, and I'm glad I've been chatting with you all morning. I'm now waiting for you to call. Spending my days and nights with you this way gives me a lot of happiness, I was often lonely, before you came into my life. It's very nice sharing my life with you now.
St Patrick's has a work program where I can work at MacMurphy's grill for a few months, at minimum wage. I'm gonna try and do that, so I can save some money to see you again. I'm disappointed about my job, but there is nothing I can do about this. I'll continue to look for a real job when I am doing this.
It's Sunday afternoon, and you are with your family now. I hope your time with them today is somewhat enjoyable. And I am going to go mail this letter and card to you now.
You are in my thoughts, and in my heart, Carol. Thank you for being in my life now. We will speak soon, and I love you very much. "D"
It is Saturday afternoon now and you are having lunch with Julia and your friend. Right now, I'm sitting by the computer here and watching some movie with Scott, Curtis, Donnie and Terry.
Terry is a 60 year old white guy who just got here a few days ago. He appears quiet and shy. And, he sleeps a lot because he takes methodone right now. I so not know how long he abused heroin. I've spoke with him a little bit, trying to give him some comfort in his new home. A few guys here are understandably frightened--the new guys in particular. They are also fragile.
Not many people are here today, or this weekend. I;m glad they have places to go and people to see. Its safe to say I have no one here, which is why I want to move there, to be closer to you. But I do often enjoy time with my friends here.
It's now late Saturday afternoon, and I'm waiting for you to call me. I actually missed chatting with you this afternoon, but it sounds like you had a lot of fun with Julia and your friend. With me, I spent some time this afternoon reading some stuff online.
You sound really happy when we speak on the phone. And, that makes me happy, so thanks for calling me here. I'm glad we have phones we can use here as well as computers. This place I live is not too bad. It definitely beats and other place I could live in the city right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sharing the computer right now. Scott had some sausage and cheese for everyone, so I had some of that. And I also had a bagel with a coke.
I absolutely love being in love with you
Guys here right now are watching wrestling on TV. It's so stupid-this wrestling is fake. It is as coreographed as well as any ballet. This is why I am on the computer so much here. We have 3 TVs but rarely is anyone watching anything remotely interesting or entertaining.
At times, someone might throw in a bootleg DVD-a movie presently playing in theaters. Those movies are often really good. The best new movie I've seen in a while is "Limitless". It's about a guy down on his luck who is given a pill that fully awakens his brain. That movie was very interesting to me. It reminded me of my days when I was abusing speed.
I wish I was there to keep you warm at night. And I wish I could wake up with you in the morning. The last great morning I had is when I woke up with you. There is something magical about seeing you first thing in the morning.
It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm sharing the computer with others now. And you just called me. It is always fun when we talk on the phone. We seem to like each others voices. So, there is a chance we might be compatable after all.
It's now Sunday night, and I'm sharing the computer once again. Thank you for calling me as much as you do. It always feels good to hear your voice and words.
I hope to be up there with you soon. Let me see what I can do. Living only a few miles from you would be great. We can then more thoroughly continue what began with us a few months ago. Remember that I love you very much.
It's Thursday evening now, and I just got something to eat. Tonight, I had a fish sandwich and some potato slices. They never feed you a whole lot here, so I likely will have something to eat later tonight-probably a can of lasagna and a coke, with some cheese its.
With moving up there, I'm still undecided. With my probation, I don't like the idea of a warrant being out for my arrest, for leaving this state. Then again, it's unlikely that violation would flag in your state. I'll speak with CVI Cindy next week and go from there. I like the idea of being closer to you. There is nothing keeping me in this state right now. So I'd rather be up there, so I can hang out with you.
I miss you waking me up in the morning in your own special way. I miss this alot.
It's Friday evening now and I just got something to eat--some spagetti and bread. I'm very glad I got your letter, card, and candy in the mail today. And, I'm glad you got a card and letter from me today as well, Love letters are a good thing, I think.
We got a new guy here named Shane - he's a white guy about my age and he is a lawyer. I have no idea how he ended up here. Patrick has been in the hospital for the past several days - for unknown reasons. We all know he has been abusing drugs so maybe he is in the hospital due to that. Patrick is a white guy a few years older then me. All of us hope he comes back here soon.
I really miss holding your hand. I felt a lot, doing that with you.
It's Saturday night now and I'm eating some lemonheads you sent me. I'm also watching a playoff football game.
The days here are painfully long so I'm glad you are able to keep me company now.
It's Sunday morning now and I am watching the movie, "Open Range" with Kenny, Shane Jeff. And I slept in this morning, which felt good. I'm glad I have an eye mask and ear plugs now. Theses things allow me to sleep longer.
Anyway, thank you for being in my life now, Carol. And I miss and love you very, very much.
I'm at the City Diner now, which is a few blocks from where I live. The food here is pretty good and they serve beer. In fact, I'm drinking a beer now. And, I think I' m getting a turkey club and some fries.
My friend Patrick is missing in action again. He was in the hospital for mental issues for over a week. Another friend of mine spoke with Patrick yesterday, and he was partying with the wrong people at some casino.
He will likely have to find another place to live, and there are not too many other decent shelters in the city. Patrick is totally out of control, and he won't accept help from his friends. Another friend of mine, an older white guy named Rob, relapsed recently and he is now in detox. He will likely loose his job due to this.
Most of my friends at the Salvation Army are older black men and many of them cannot read or write very well. I've helped a few of them with resumes and cover letters -- things like that.
Many of these friends are overweight due to their inactivity. The idea with staying at the Salvation Army is to move forward in some way. Many that stay here are just idle and happy they have a place to stay. Their apathy about their lives us unfortunate.
Are u looking forward to our next weekend together? Somehow, I feel it will be better than our last weekend together. Thankfully, we have continued to talk a lot with each other since our last,weekend together. So I feel we are very comfortable with each or her. We have a lot of trust between us, I believe.
It's a very nice day here today-it's sunny and about 60 degrees outside. So, I enjoyed my walk here. I have to walk a few miles to see my probation officer. The walking I do in the city is very good for me, I think.
Eventually, I believe we will be able to be self sufficient. I think we have a lot of energy between each other.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to 18 days from now. Thank you for being in my life now, and I love and miss you, very much,
I'm at the Buffalo Brewery, which is close to where I live. they have great sandwiches and beer here. It's very relaxing at places like this.
The other places I like to go around here are the City diner, and the Fountain on Locust. this place I'm at now has the best food, though.
Although I did try the Kola bar and grill this past weekend. And that was some good food. As far as waitresses go, I think the Fountain on Locust has the most attractive ones.
I'm very glad I spoke with Amy today. She knows what my ex did to me, so she is very glad you are in my life now.
Yes, i think I've gained some weight recently. It's not so much the amount of food I eat as it is the lack of exercise.
I think I'll try and walk more here, and that should shed a few pounds. We can do whatever you want, the next time we are together.
I'm perfectly happy just hanging out in the hotel room with you. in fact, that is what I prefer we do, our next long weekend together.
This notebook is magical, I think. i love what I write, when using this notebook. Sadly, it will eventually run out of paper. I'll have to open a vein at another location, after that, D
I'm now at the Fountain on Locust, enjoying a beer, as I now write you.
Sunday afternoons are always nice at this place. There are a lot of young people, enjoying ice cream or whatever, with their children. I remember I use to take my daughter Hayley to ice cream places.
Recently, I sent her yet another email, letting her know she will deeply regret avoiding me now once she discovers the lies told to her about me by her mother and others. That's really all I can do, for now.
A couple just got here with about a dozen children. The guy told me it's a birthday party. I'm sure the kids will have a blast here. The ice cream is really good at this place.
Aside from my meeting with Amy tomorrow at noon, the rest of the day is open for me.
I once read that once you lose everything, you are free to do anything. I believe this to be very true. These days, I follow my heart and soul wherever they may lead me.
I now drink a beer called Spatan Optimator. If you are interested, the website is: www.spatenusa.com. It's a very dark and flavorful beer. The waiter recommended it to me, and it tastes really good.
This place is now playing, "Sweet Dreams", by the Eurythmics. I always thought Annie Lennox was very attractive and I love her voice. I understand she does a lot of charity work these days. Anyway, the song reminds me of my high school days as this is when this song was released.
Thank you for not having any tattoos. I now see a waitress her, covered with tattoos not fully realizing how beautiful her skin is without tattoos. I really think girls are headed in the wrong direction, with what they perceive as beauty.
I'll probably watch some football later this evening. Someone said there are two games on tv this afternoon and evening. Either that or, I'll watch another movie a little bit with Kenny.
Kenny is one of my black older friends here. The guy has like three college degrees. I'm not entirely clear why he is homeless. What I do know is that each one of us at the Salvation Army has our own story.
And each story we have is no less severe than my own. Most of us have been abandoned by those we have loved the most in life. Not everyone, but most of us are now forgotten if not hated by these who are traditionally supposed to love us the most.
Anyway, I've enjoyed writing you once again. And I do love you very much. , D
I decided to go to the Buffalo Brewery again today. And i'll probably have their ham and cheese sandwich, which is really good, and some fries.
It is still cool and rainy here today. My friends here are reminding me that it is much colder up there. but I have a coat and sweaters, along with jeans made for cold weather, so I should be fine.
I also have a new pair of boots, I got not long ago at what is called a stand down. A stand down is an event, where vets can go to a particular place, and get free stuff, which is usually clothes.
This last one I went to was at Warrenton, MO, which is about 60 miles west of where I live now. It's near Wentzville, which is where I lived before the ex had me evicted from my own home.
Anyway, it was a great day, the day me and other vets went to warrenton. The va charted a nice bus for us, that picked up up where we live.
So, at Warrenton, I got some sweatshirts, a blanked or quilt for my bed, and these boots. The boots were purchased for us at a nearby wal mart.
The rest of the stuff I got was at the event itself. Then after that, we went to a town called Wellsville, to drop off some people there. Wellsville is about 20 miles west of Warrenton, and I use to ride my bicycle there, for the ms 150.
The ms 150 is a 150 mile bicycle ride, that occurs on a weekend in September. it is to raise money for those with multiple sclerosis. about 2000 of us would ride from troy to Mexico, Mo, and back.
It is a lot of fun, that bicycle ride. bicyclists are very intense and addictive people. We'd get to Mexico, mo the first day, and they would have food and beer for us there.
And we would empty their beer truck within a couple of ours. then, we'd either camp out there in Mexico, or get a hotel room. I'd usually get a hotel room during that bicycle ride.
So, it's a 75 mile ride the first day, and we'd spend the night in mexico, and then ride back to troy, the next day. I really loved that bicycle ride.
i did that for about 10 years straight. I miss bicycling, and I hope to buy a bicycle once I am up there. In 1995, I rode across the state of missouri, with a few hundred people.
We did over 400 miles over an entire week, and camped out at state parks, during that trip. I did nave a couple of nice bicycles I use to ride all the time.
But those and everything else I owned were taken by my ex, when she decided to try and destroy me completely. So I decided to get chili here, instead of that sandwich, and it is really good.
This is a real comfortable and peaceful place, that also has great beer. Places like this are great escapes from the place I live, which is more or less like jail, except we get to have fresh air and smokes here.
Many people I stay with now spent a large part of their lives incarcerated, for one reason or another. With the people I live with, their social skills suck.
Most do not make an effort to know the names of those they live with, at the salvation army. They still think they are in prison, I suppose.
Myself, I know the first names of everyone I live with now. Most people I live with now seem to like and trust me. they think I'm a genius because I can read and write.
So far, I've helped quite a few with things such as cover letters and resumes. I'm glad they allow me to help them. With those long letters I write you, it's important to me that you know me as much as you can.
I really have no dark secrets in my life. Everything I've shared with you so far is the absolute truth. With what my ex did to me with the small army she recruited for that purpose, that could of made me into this very angry and bitter person.
Instead, and somehow, what she did to me has made me into a more loving and compassionate person. I'm glad I'm void of any anger or hatred about anything. this chili is really good.
And it goes good with the beer I now drink. I really hope, by the way, that the next 7 days go by quickly. I really am looking forward to my trip there.
I know this is the right thing for me to do. This is more or less a great love story, right? I now thank my magical notebook........ , D
Right now, I'm enjoying a cheap beer at the Fountain on Locust. This is a very comfortable place for me to be. There are a few people here, enjoying their afternoon. They appear to be mostly middle class people here right now. I use to be middle class, not long ago.
I'm wearing my sport coat right now. So, I look like I'm now middle class myself. I'm intentionally deceiving people, so they do not suspect I am in fact homeless. There are a couple of light skinned and attractive black girls here. My black friends call such light skinned black girls, 'red bones'.
They are waitresses here, and they both have very nice smiles. My chef salad for lunch earlier today was not bad. I feel I will lose some excess weight, once I am living in Milwaukee. I've never been this heavy in my life. My friend Patrick is in jail right now.
You may recall, Patrick is my older white friend at the salvation army, who is out of control. he still uses drugs, even though he is suppose to be doing drug rehab, with the rest of us. Patrick finally got kicked out of the salvation army earlier this week.
He got kicked out for breaking curfew here, and getting busted for using drugs. So during the night last night, he showed up at the salvation army, high on drugs, trying to get his stuff here, he did not take with him, when he was kicked out of the salvation army earlier this week.
Apparently, he got into a fight with security people there, and they called the police. He'll likely be in jail for a month or more. When I was in jail over 2 years ago, my cell mate was in jail for assault, and he did about a month there in jail.
The last long bus trip I took, was when I went to Atlanta, over 2 years ago. During that trip, I wrote my daughter Hayley a long letter, that is published on my blog. I also met a few interesting people, on that bus trip. Each of us are on our own unique journey in life.
So I find people interesting, for that reason. Also, I feel that sometime, I will write about community living, which is how I live now. I live with some very unusual people in this type of setting, and I also live with some very intelligent people right now.
During my time at the salvation army, I've become friends with those who initially did not seem to like me, for whatever reason. Kenny, I think I'll miss him the most. he is the older intelligent black friend I have at the salvation army, who watches movies when I'm on the computer there.
We find each other interesting, so we talk often- mainly about human nature. Also, I've decided that I will write a book, the next time I'm in jail. I will journal what I experience and notice, while in jail. The last time I was in jail, I mainly wrote letters to Jacki, who became my girlfriend in Atlanta.
Those letters I wrote to her are on my blog, and largely reflect my state of mind, at that time. I feel I am more stable now, so the next time I write while in jail, I'll be more objective. I'm glad I'm able to help quite a few people with writing letters and resumes, where I stay now.
And I find it shocking how many people older than me lack the skills to read and write. I find such skills essential to progress in life, yet they have made it this far without those skills. I'm done writing to you in this magical notebook now. I hope you are enjoying your time with Carolyn, and you will be with me very soon, D