Handwritten Letters To My Fiancee Carol
by, 15th-August-2012 at 05:51 PM (338 Views)
My fiancee Carol lives near me now, finally, but I still hand write her letters often, and mail these with a card to her. Daily, I fortunately speak with her on the phone, or chat with her often on the computer.
But something happens, when I write her these letters. I access something within me, as I share words with her. When I write Carol, I open a vein, and bleed my heart and soul on the paper.
Three years ago, the life as I know it got destroyed by others, with deliberate intent. Since then, I've wrote several essays, illustrating the pain I've experienced since then, as well as circumstances involved with my destruction.
Most of what I write to Carol now deals with where I live, which is a homeless shelter for military veterans. Also, I write about how I feel about Carol now. Here are a few letters I've written Carol recently:
I'm serving breakfast for the boys this morning, so I thought I'd write you once again.
I'm again sorry I got on this restriction here. I have two beers at an applebees, and the folks here think I had this huge relapse, due to a positive urine drug screen I did. You and I will get through these next few weeks, and then we will be fine. And I won't drink beer anymore.
I'm glad these people here have computers, and I'm able to chat with you so often. I've also cranked out a few essays, since I've been staying here. I got here in February of this year. Anyway, I need to do some more writing, so give me something to write about sometime.
You had a really bad day yesterday, so I hope you are doing better today. I'll get on the computer here soon, and chat with you then.
I hope your mom made it back OK last night from Las Vegas, and I'd like to meet her sometime. Maybe sometime after my restriction here, I'll be able to meet her then. I'm glad I met your ex husband last weekend. He seems like he is an alright guy- at least now. I'm also glad he cares about you now.
Yesterday, I sent my mom an email, wishing her happy birthday, and happy mother's day. Her birthday is today. I also sent her pictures of you and I, from last Tuesday. I'm glad she sold my truck, and sent me the money from that.
That money got us some very decent lunches together, and a fantastic room at the magical Super 8, near where you live now, last weekend. It is so beautiful and peaceful there. And I really like the girl who shared a room with me there.
OK- I've enjoyed writing you again. And, we will chat soon online. I love you very much,
I'm working the desk here right now, so I thought I'd write you once again.
My day was pretty good today. Earlier, I enjoyed chatting with you on the computer. And, I like going to the VA hospital here. For one thing, I like getting out of this place. Normally, I find people I know there to hang out with for awhile, when I'm not at a meeting at this hospital. And I like the staff at this hospital, especially those who conduct the meetings I attend there.
Just got off the phone with you, and you sounded really good, and happy. I'm also glad your daughter Carolyn is spending some time with you tonight.
Earlier today, I got a new sport coat in the clothing room they have where I now stay. The clothing room is pretty big, and since no one here but me wears sport coats every day, there are a lot of sport coats in this room for me to get.
And many of these coats are fairly new, so i'll grab them from this room as I need them. Benjamin is a 21 year old kid who works in this clothing room, helping us find what we may need from there. He and I became friends in the computer room here. So he lets me help myself, when I want to go in this clothing room here.
The only good thing about this place I now stay is the computers here. At least I get to chat with my girl all the time, due to these computers.
We got a guy who stays here who delivers mail for the post office. He thinks it is very cool that I hand write you all of these letters, and mail these to you with a card so often. He and I both agree that doing this is a lot more personal then just talking online, for example.
Most guys I stay with here know about you in my life now. If you have not met them already, they have seen you with me here. The staff here also knows about you. A girl I know who works in the kitchen here was asking about you not long ago.
Most guys who live here do not have a girlfriend, and have not had a girlfriend in many years. So you and I are kind of unique to many at this location. I consider myself very lucky to have you in my life now.
A guy I stay with here just bought me a soda. There are some nice guys living with me here now.
The food here where I stay sucks most days. I've already lost a bunch of weight here, and there is no way I'll gain weight, eating the crap they serve here. Most people here eat breakfast here, but I do not. Coffee for me only in the mornings here.
And since chicken is served here about one meal every day, and I don't eat this chicken, that means I normally only eat one meal a day here. And that is fine with me. I feel great most days. Most guys I stay with here are obese.
Most gain a bunch of weight staying here, somehow. But I will not, and I'll do a bunch of walking, near where I stay now. The va hospital is over 2 miles from where I live now, so that is always a good walk for me. That way, I'll stay healthy for my girlfriend.
I've enjoyed writing you once again, and we will talk soon. I love you very much,
The computers are not working tonight here, so I thought I'd write you once again.
I went to a drug recovery meeting here earlier, and this fantastic thunderstorm happened, during the meeting. I thought about you, during this storm. I told the people at this meeting tonight that you likely would not be with me now, if I still was using drugs. I'm very glad I'm sober with you now.
I'm excited about seeign you on Tuesday. The VA hospital is a good place for us to meet, during the week, while I'm on this restriction. And Tuesdays are the best days to meet you there. We'll walk in the park near this hospital, and hang out at the coffee house near this hospital.
The best thing about you are all of these memories I have of you now. Since we first got together last October, I've had the most amazing time with you. I'm very glad you drove to St. Louis then to meet with me. Like you, I thought that weekend we had together might of just been a one time thing with each other. But somehow, I fell for you, and as a result, I now live near you. How cool is that?
Right now, I still hear thunder outside, as I write you this letter. Presently, I'm in the TV room with Wendolyn, Howard, Burnett, and Jack. We are watching some old gangster movie in this room now.
It's a quiet night here tonight, so it is very peaceful right now. And right now, it's about 9 p.m. I'll crash soon. Thankfully, I do get some sleep at this place. The guys who share a room with me now are fairly quiet during the night. I wear ear plugs, and an eye mask, as I sleep during the night here.
It is now Thursday morning, and I am now mailing this letter to you. And, I get to spend time with you in 5 days. Sweet. I love you very much, Carol,
Thank you for today.
They use very sensitive urine tests here for alcohol use, so I'm sorry again O'm on restriction here, for having a couple of beers with you.
I'll not drink beer or anything else anymore, Carol. I was at one time a fairly bad alcoholic, so I should not drink at all. I'm sorry I had beer with you at lunch today. Drinking even a little bit of alcohol may affect my behavior, so I don't want to do that around you, especially. So I ask that you forgive me. Again, I will not drink anymore. I don't need to, so the guy in your life will continue to remain sober.
You definitely deserve a guy in your life who is totally and completely free of any drug use.
You bring a lot of happiness in my life now, but I'm still unhappy at times. you cannot do anything about what makes me unhappy, but you should know what makes me unhappy.
My daughter hating me now, and being out of my life completely, continues to cause me a great deal of pain and sorrow. As time goes by, I deal with this pain better each day. But this sorrow is still present within me each day. In time, I hope my daughter will re-acquire a relationship with me, but this may be a long wait for me.
And I definitely do not like being homeless and unemployed. i'm doing everything I can to change this situation, that is my life now, but it is going to take time. People often remain homeless for many years, and I understand why now. No one wants to hire me right now. in a way, my life is f*****, due to what has happened to me. However, I'll continue to try and become economically viable once again, so I don't have to live this way.
So, I try not to let these issues I have interfere with my relationship with you. If my behavior is ever off when I'm with you, please let me know. You will never see me angry or hateful, due to these issues of mine. But you may witness my sadness at times. Again, if this happens, please let me know.
You mean everything to me, Carol. I'm giving you everything I have within me right now. And you are giving me a lot of happiness I've desperately needed and have not experienced in a very long time. Thank you for being in my life now. I love you very much,
Right now, I'm serving breakfast once again to the boys, so i thought I'd write you once again.
Last night, I slept a little bit. And I remember I had a dream about being a parent and father to my daughter. A few nights a week, I dream about hayley, and it has been taht way since her mother attempted to destroy me in August of 2009. I've not heard from Hayley since writing her a letter, a few weeks ago.
So I'm drinking coffee no. What I do is, I take my instant coffee that I have, and mix that with the coffee that is made here. It gives me a good jolt of caffeine, by making coffee to drink this way.
You know, I never thought I'd be homeless. Most homeless people never imagine themselves homeless, until it actually happens. Anyone who could or should help me out has not helped me out in any way.
Once you are f*****, no one wants anything to do with you anymore. I'm again glad my parents sold the truck I gave them last summer, and got me the money from that. That is some money to hold me over for awhile. But I've lost everything and anyone due to my ex wife, who I provided very well for, for a very long time. Life is clearly not fair at all.
Yet, somehow, I'm happier now then I've ever being, largely due to you you being in my life now. Every day, you remind me of how bad my marriage really was, for a very long time. In that marriage, I was very unloved. And somehow, that marriage made me a better person. That bad marriage I had allows me to be a really great guy in your life now, I think.
I'm looking forward to spending time with you again on Monday. We always have a great time, when you come to see me here. You are very enjoyable to be with, every minute I am with you.
And I'm really looking forward to our weekend together. It's always nice having you naked with me, for a couple of days and nights. It's also very nice and comfortable falling asleep with you, and waking up with you in the morning. Because, I kinda like ya.
I've enjoyed writing you once again. And i will write you like this again soon. I love you very much,
The computer room here is closed this afternoon, so i thought I'd write you. I've missed writing you this way, so I hope you don't mind that I do this. This is another way for me to share my thoughts and feelings with you.
Today, I had another perfect day with you. And I loved doing lunch with you today. The food was great, and it was very comfortable, where we ate today. Don't ask me why, but I loved watching you eat chocolate cake. The beer I had there was also good. I had not had a beer in months. So the whole time with you there was very relaxing and enjoyable for me. I'm also glad the waitress took pictures of us, which look great.
So after you dropped me off today, I tried to take a nap, but I was not really tired. So, I went to the Walgreens near where I live, and got some cards to mail to you with these letters. While there, I didn't get anything else, besides these cards. Right now, I still have the soda and crackers you got me, so I'm good.
Presently, I'm in the TV room here. The guys in this room are watching some movie I do not recognize. There really is not much to do here, except watch TV, or be on the computers here. There is a small library at this location, so I can read some books from there, if I want to do this. And I can also write, when there is not much to do here.
Again, I'm very glad I got all that money from my parents, from selling my truck. Selling that truck I gave them last summer was a very good idea. The money from that that I gave you recently is yours. But, do use some of it to get us a hotel room for our upcoming weekend together. Right now, I still have over 200 dollars on me, which is more than enough to get me what I may want and need staying here, in the future.
It's amazing, the many guys here who do absolutely nothing during their days, staying here. Myself, I'm on the computers here often, but at least I'm doing something. many guys here sleep during the day, often due to the many drugs they take, prescribed to them by the psychiatrists from the VA hospital. Right now, I'm one of the very few people who stay here who does not take any drugs at all. in fact, I'll never take drugs of any kind, ever again. They do more harm than good.
Earlier today, I loved buying you that DryHootch T shirt. It looks really good on you, and it represents all the time we have spent there so far. Needless to say, I really love spending time with you at DryHootch, Carol. Thank you for all of these great memories you are giving me.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going to the Christian building again, to volunteer there. I really like going to that place, a couple of mornings every week. While there, I get to drink free coffee, and help out others who come there to get free food.
It is very good to get away from where I now stay for awhile, which is why I love it when you come here during the week, and rescue me. It was my hope I would see you this often, when I moved here, about 3 months ago. Moving here to be with you was a very good decision I made- perhaps the best ever.
OK- I'm gonna go ahead and mail this to you now. Thank you for letting me hand write you once again. I love you very much, and we will speak soon,
The computer room here is closed this morning, so i'm at the McDonalds you and I go to often now, hanging out, and writing you another letter.
Near where I now stay, there really isn't a lot of places to go close by, just to hang out. There is a library, but it is quite a walk from where I now live. So that is why I'm at this McDonald's now. And I will continue to explore this city in time.
There again is not a lot to do where I now live. Many of the guys again sleep during the day, but I do not. Other guys watch TV. Some read books. But, this place where I stay is a place to lay my head at night, which is really all I need. Well that, and you.
I'm very much looking forward to our weekend in the hotel soon. I'm glad I got this money, which is allowing us to do this. A weekend with you in a hotel room is the best thing ever. I seem to enjoy every minute I'm with you.
The room I sleep at where I now live is comfortable. I share this room with other guys, but they again are pretty quiet at night. So I'm able to get some sleep staying there, most nights.
It was again a very good decision for me to move up here, now closer to where you now live. There was no reason for me to stay in St. Louis. I'm able to see you now quite often, and when I do see you, we always have a great time together. So, moving here was again one of the better decisions I've made. in time, I'll convince someone to hire me, so I can get back on my feet somehow.
Most of the guys I live with now are much older than me. My life being wrecked at my age is bad enough. It has to be worse for these older guys. While living where I stay now, I help such guys out when I'm allowed to do so.
OK- I'm gonna head back to this place, and wait for you. I've enjoyed writing you once again, and we'll speak soon. I love you very much,
The computers where I live are not working tonight, so I thought I'd write you once again.
Sorry about Megan's mom having a problem with Megan coming here with your daughter Julia, when you visited with me yesterday. It's really not that dangerous here, and I did have the girls lock the car doors, since they insisted on waiting in the car. So I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
This place I now live had chicken once again tonight, so I did not eat. I was going to grab another gyro sandwich from JJ's, but JJ's is closed due to today being mother's day. So, I just had some crackers, and a soda or two. Also tonight, I went to Walgreens, and got some more cards to send you with these letters. I'm again glad we have this walgreens near where we live.
So with the computers being down tonight, I got to talk with Mike, and some other guys. We all agree that this place we live at now sucks. The staff herer does not help us at all, in any noticeable way. Most guys here just sleep and watch TV all day.
Guys like Mike and I, we had really great and productive lives, before ending up here. yet the staff still treats us like we are these extremely flawed individuals, with severe character defects. But I'm still glad I moved here. I can tolerate this place fine, and I now live closer to you, which is what I really wanted.
Just got off the phone with you, and you sounded great. The phone I just used to call you is the same type of phone I should get mailed to your house soon. Jack used the same application I did, for this free cell phone. So I hope it gets mailed to your house soon.
So I've made some decent friends here. I'm known to others as the computer guy, who always wears a sport coat, and has a hot girlfriend. We share some laughs, which makes living here much better. Mike is the guy here most like me.
He is the read head guy you saw on the sidewalk here recently. Mike was once married to a black girl and, like me, once had a high paying job. I'm not sure how Mike ended up here, but, like me, he is a very intelligent and nice guy, who is also the same age as me.
It was great seeing you yesterday, and I hope I see you again soon. Just see me when you can herer. Don't go out of your way to see me. We talk every day, so we will be fine, if I don't see you for whatever reasons. Thank you for being in my life now, Carol. And I love you very much,
I'm at the VA hospital now, waiting for a 2 p.m. group meeting here. I got here right before 1 p.m. So far, I've rescheduled my dental appointment here, grabbed a cheeseburger and fries with a coke in the cafeteria here, and now I write you once again.
Also, I grabbed a smoke with some friends in front of the hospital. The computers are not working at this hospital now, so I'll have to wait to chat with you till I get back to the shelter, my home away from home, away from home.
I'm speaking with the Guest House homeless shelter now- trying to get in there. I have a veteran friend who use to stay with me where I now live, and he now stays there. He tells me it is a lot better in many ways there, so i'll see what I can do. Where I stay now really does suck, in quite a few ways.
I really enjoyed chatting with you this morning. You sounded really good, and happy. Glad to hear you and your mom are now at peace as well.
I've made friends with some older black guys, where I stay. James is one of them. He is in this class with me at the VA hospital today, and is a Vietnam Vet. So is Rick, another older black friend of mine. he is the guy you met recently who got your mother's day card for me. I hope I'm not in a homeless shelter, when I'm in my 60s.
I now sit outside on this beautiful day, and wait for a van to take us back to the shelter. James is with me, and we are now having a smoke with some coffee. They have some pretty girls working at this VA hospital. I spoke with one of them today, a librarian, working at the hospital there.
I'm back at the shelter now, and you are not on the computer, so I weep. I'm severely addicted to you. I find myself wanting to talk to you all the time. Hope that is OK.
We are chatting now on facebook. i'm again sorry about the Megan situation. Let's just stick with you seeing me here alone for now. You did not put her or your daughter in any harm when you saw me here on Saturday. They chose to stay in your car, when you visited with me then. In fact, I tried to get them to hang outside with us the, but they refused.
Anyway, I've enjoyed writing you once again. I'm looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday. We'll have fun. I love you very much,