Yesterday I came across this story: Councillor stabbed by wife over affair saves her from jail after plea to judge

It got me thinking - perhaps we should contact Mr. Pearson regarding the male victims of domestic violence? As someone who has experienced it, he might be sympathetic towards our cause, and could be willing to use his political influence to help address the issue.

Here are his contact details:

Oh, that's sweet. I'll send this guy an e-mail.

I made the mistake of going to court three times on behalf of my husband asking for leniency from the court. I wanted to protect him. I didn't want him to go to jail for DV. This judge cannot fight on behalf of men in regard to DV until he understands for himself the danger that he is in. Asking for leniency for his wife is honorable yet he puts himself in grave danger. I'm surprised that as a judge he does not know this. She needs to be accountable for her actions. This case illustrates very well the psychological effects of DV. I bet he blames himself for her actions. I bet he thinks that if he steps up to save her from the consequences that she'll change. Maybe he thinks he can still save their marriage. But if leniency is what she gets, he stands to be the victim of further abuse. She's obviously very unstable. People find out about affairs every day, but they don't go stabbing their partners with knives. This behavior is a huge red flag...a danger sign...and in his weakened condition (mentally, emotionally, physically) he is not facing the reality of the situation. And not facing it could lead to his death. I know. After everything I went through with my ex, excusing his behavior and asking the courts to do the same, the violence in our relationship escalated to the point where I was very nearly killed. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have tried to save him from facing the consequences of his actions. I feel great empathy for this judge. I understand what he must be feeling and thinking. But he must not underestimate the seriousness of this. His life is at stake here. He doesn't deserve to pay for an affair with his very life. He needs help and strong support to get through this. He must, in this case, be his own advocate here.

I just sent him this email. I hope he reads it.

Dear Sir:

With great respect and empathy to your situation, I would like to borrow a moment of your time. I know what you are going through, and I would like to help if I can. I am currently in college studying to become a counselor for domestic violence. I am also a survivor of domestic violence myself. I am concerned that you are asking for leniency regarding your wife. I know you don't know me, and you have every reason to resent this intrusion from a stranger into your personal life, but I feel compelled to write to you because I am greatly concerned that you may not understand how much danger you are in. People find out about their partners affairs every day in this world, yet most do not respond with attempted murder. Please, I beg you, do not place yourself in further danger. If leniency is shown to your wife, this excuses her from taking responsibility for her actions and it will encourage her to think that this kind of behavior is acceptable...you reduce the level of protection that you need. You shouldn't have to pay for your mistake with your life. Please don't blame yourself for her actions. Please don't isolate yourself. I beg you to think carefully about past domestic violence cases you've presided over (if you have), and re-evaluate how safe it is for you to ask that your wife be excused from taking full accountability for what she has done. Her actions are a huge red flag. Please don't underestimate the danger that you are in! I went to court more than once on behalf of my ex-husband when he assaulted me. I asked the courts for leniency, and leniency is what they gave. My intent was to save our marriage. But the result was that the level of violence continued to escalate, and it very nearly cost me my life. If I had it to do over again, I would not have stood in the way of justice. The message that the perpetrator gets with leniency is that they can continue to get away with abuse and violence. The cost could well be your life.

The greatest protection that I found during those trying, dangerous times was in the spotlight being on my ex's actions and behavior. The more he felt that his behavior was being watched, the more he felt he could not risk continuing to perpetrate these acts of violence and aggression. There is safety in having people (and the legal system) know exactly what it is you are going through. Though I know from experience that this is the hardest part. No one wants the public to know when they are fearful or wants strangers involved in their personal business. But you owe it to yourself (and any kids you have) to be your own best advocate here.

When you come through this horrible time, you will be stronger. Perhaps even a voice for men who are going through similar things. Right now, there is a myth in our society that only women can be victims of domestic violence. Male victims are forgotten, ignored, and worse yet blamed when they do try to step forward. They feel ashamed. They feel trapped. They feel isolated. There are next to no resources for men in regard to domestic violence. Many men stay in these relationships not only because they fear they might be stalked or killed if they leave, but because they seek to protect their children. I have worked with men who say that if they leave their abusive relationships, they greatly fear that their wives/girlfriends will target the children instead.

We have to do something to help men. But I cannot expect you to be an advocate for men until you first become your own advocate. We must get you through this period of confusion, isolation, and shame first. You have to know that you are not alone. Please think about what I've said.

God be with you.

Thank you for posting this, Frostyboy.

No, TERA, it does nothing of the sort.

What on earth propels you to make such a facile statement?

You can do much better than that.

Love, attachment, whatever, persists despite DV. Look to Cognitive Dissonance perhaps for a better psychological explanation. You might even try Equity Theory.

Percy,

Funny you should mention cognitive dissonance, which is a topic we're actually looking at next week in social psych.

The reason I mentioned the psychological impact of DV is because when a person has been a victim of physical abuse, there is a psychological impact. The longer you are exposed to it, the deeper the impact. This guy wants to protect the person who hurt him. That's a common theme among people who have been abused by those they love. It is also common to underestimate the level of danger that they are in (denial).

Percy,

You don't have to tell me that love exists separately from DV. I know that from my own experience. And love may well be the reason why he's motivated to protect her. It was what motivated me to want to protect my ex. Please don't think I don't get that...because I certainly do. But there are other factors also at work here.