Male Victims of Domestic Abuse by Divorce Support | |
Interesting stuff from About Divorce - Divorce Support
I posted parts of it elsewhere and thought that is useful information. Especially the bit about withholding sex and emotional abuse. Quote: - National Family Violence Legislative Resource Center: When we ignore male victims of domestic abuse, we also ignore their children, who continue to be damaged by witnessing the violence regardless of how severe it is. We cannot break this intergenerational cycle by ignoring half of it. That's why a global coalition of experts has formed to support a research-based, inclusive approach, and their website has solid data showing women initiate the violence as often as men.
- Men are More Likely Than Women to Be Victims in Dating Violence: A recent 32-nation study by the University of New Hampshire found female students initiate partner violence as often as male students and controlling behavior exists equally in perpetrators of both sexes.
- Women More Likely to be Perpetrators of Abuse as Well as Victims: A University of Florida study recently found women are more likely than men to "stalk, attack and abuse" their partners. “We’re seeing women in relationships acting differently nowadays than we have in the past,” said Angela Gover, a UF criminologist who led the research. “The nature of criminality has been changing for females, and this change is reflected in intimate relationships as well.”
- Teenage Violence Linked To Later Domestic Violence: A University of Washington study recently found women were nearly twice as likely as men to perpetrate domestic violence in the past year including kicking, biting or punching their partner, threatening to hit or throw something at their partner, and pushing, grabbing or shoving their partner.
- Assaults by Women on Their Spouses or Male Partners: Virtually all sociological data shows women initiate domestic violence as often as men, that women use weapons more than men, and that 38% of injured victims are men. California State University Professor Martin Fiebert summarizes almost 200 of these studies online.
- Journal of Family Violence: A recent study in the Journal of Family Violence found many male callers to a national hotline experienced high rates of severe violence from female partners who used violence to control them.
- Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men: Some scholars suggest that the motives for intimate partner abuse against men by women may differ from those for abuse against women by men, and that women suffer more severe injuries than men. Nonetheless, the occurrence of abuse by women against men, and its consequences, warrant attention. It is important for the victims of abuse, whether they be men or women, to know that they are not alone – that is, that such experience is not unique to their personal situation. It is also important for the perpetrators of intimate partner abuse – men or women – to recognize that violence in any form is both morally and legally wrong.
- Disabusing The Definition of Domestic Abuse: A law review article by law Professor Linda Kelly that documents the long history of how battered men's statistics and plight have been intentionally covered up.
- Transforming a Flawed Policy: This is a cutting edge challenge to the domestic violence industry by Professor Don Dutton, a domestic violence expert who was a prosecutorial witness in the O.J. Simpson case, who challenges the man-bad/woman-good model and the notion that women mostly hit in self-defense.
- Why Women Assualt: California State University surveyed 1,000 college women: 30% admitted they assaulted a male partner. Their most common reasons: (1) my partner wasn't listening to me; (2) my partner wasn't being sensitive to my needs; and (3) I wished to gain my partner's attention.
For more information see:
A University of Pennsylvania emergency room report found 13% of men reported being assaulted by a female partner in the previous 12 months, of which 50% were choked, kicked, bitten, punched, or had an object thrown at them, 37% involved a weapon, and 14% required medical attention, at Academic of Emergency Medicine
University of Pennsylvania Professor Richard Gelles states: "Contrary to the claim that women only hit in self-defense, we found that women were as likely to initiate the violence as were men. In order to correct for a possible bias in reporting, we reexamined our data looking only at the self-reports of women. The women reported similar rates of female-to-male violence compared to male-to-female, and women also reported they were as likely to initiate the violence as were men," in his article reprinted at The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence | Male Victims of Domestic Abuse Quote: Question: Are You a Victim of Emotional Abuse?
Crazy Making Behavior
Emotional abuse in a marriage is such a covert form of domestic violence and abuse that many people aren’t able to recognize they are a victim. A spouse may have a feeling that something is wrong. They may feel stressed out; a sense of depression; anxiety but they can’t quite identify what is causing those feelings.
Answer:
Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same…a spouse becomes fearful of their partner and begins to change their behaviors to keep their partner happy. The happier their partner, the less domestic violence the spouse has to suffer. By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior. Below are some tactics an emotional abuser will use:
- Isolating a spouse from friends and family.
- Discourage any independent activities such as work; taking classes or activities with friends.
- Accuse their spouse of being unfaithful if she talks to a member of the opposite sex.
- Expect her/him to partake in sexual activities that he/she is uncomfortable with to prove their love. Or, withhold sex as punishment instead of communicating openly their displeasure.
- Constantly criticize the spouses weight, their looks, they way they dress.
- If the spouse does not give into the control they are threatened, harassed, punished and intimidated by the abuser.
- Uses the children to gain control by undermining the other parent’s authority or threatening to leave and take the children.
- Control all the financial decisions, refuse to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold important financial information and make their spouse live on limited resources.
- Make all major decisions such as where to live, how to furnish the home and what type of automobile to drive.
THE VICTIM BEGINS TO FEEL LIKE A PRISONER OF WAR:
People, who use emotional abuse to control others, use tactics similar to what prison guards use on prisoners of war. They know that physical control is not easily accomplished. They want the prisoners to cooperate and what better way to get someone to cooperate than to manipulate them emotionally?
In her book, Rape in Marriage, Diana Russell reprinted Biderman’s Chart of Coercion from an Amnesty International publication, Report on Torture, depicting the brainwashing of prisoners of war. Those who seek to control their intimate partners, use methods similar to those of prison guards, who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. Below is Biderman’s Chart, it explains the methods used to “coerce” and the desired effects and purpose for the coercion:
Biderman's Chart of Coercion:
- Isolation: Deprives the victim of all social support necessary for the ability to resist.
Develops an intense concern for self.
Causes victims to depend on the victimizer. - Monopolization of Perception: Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance. - Induced Debility &Exhaustion: Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
- Threats: Cultivates anxiety and despair.
- Occasional Indulgences: Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
- Demonstrating “Omnipotence”: Suggests futility of resistance.
- Enforcing Trivial Demands: Develops habits of compliance
- Degradation: Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.
Food For Thought:
Emotional abuse is crippling. It robs a person of their self-esteem, the ability to think rationally, confidence in themselves and their independence and autonomy.If your spouse’s words and behaviors has caused any of the following feelings it is time to seek help:
- Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and family.
- Excessive dependence on him/her.
- You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset.
- You live in the moment, unable to plan ahead because you fear your spouse’s response to any plans or ideas you have. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one of compliance to his/her desires.
- You feel as if you don’t have the energy it would take to fight back against their controlling behavior. You doubt your ability to stand-up and speak your own mind and express your own opinions.
- You feel a sense of depression and anxiety most of the time.
- You feel as if anything you do or say will be meant with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.
| Emotional Abuse - Emotional Abuse is a Type of Domestic Violence Quote:
In the beginning, your spouse was charming and quite appealing. You had no problems with intimacy. Your spouse couldn't keep her hands off of you. You felt desired, cherished and loved. Before long, the atmosphere changed. Your spouse became less and less interested in sex. Your spouse is still charming and appealing and your level of desire hasn't changed but that person who once seemed so giving sexually has now become rather stingy with their affections. You find yourself wondering, "what happened?"
The role sex plays in a marriage.
Sex is a way of connecting to your spouse emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Some would disagree but it's my opinion that the sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends. That friendship will sustain the marriage as we age, our bodies change and our need for the sexual connection lessens. Sex is what separates a couples relationship from all other relationships. A marriage without sexual intimacy and friendship will eventually sputter and die.
Why withhold sex as punishment?
Withholding sex is about control. It's a passive/aggressive way of expressing anger. Someone who withholds sex will imply by their actions that they have a lot to give. They are, by all outward indication sincere in their love for their spouse. They hook you in with sincerity and then they cut you off. They feel in control if they have the upper hand sexually. You are put in the position of being the one who initiates sex. Your spouse doesn't have to do anything in the relationship except show up. All the work needed to develop and maintain a sexual bond is up to you. They don't have to take responsibility for any problems in the marriage, and if the marriage ends they can point a finger at you for being the problem.
What are the consequences of withholding sex?
Sexual rejection, especially by someone who vowed to "love, honor and cleave unto" you is devastating. It leaves you feeling unattractive and undesirable. You may internalize her rejection and blame yourself by thinking you are not attractive enough; sexy enough, thin enough, smart enough. Her actions will give root to unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a person. There is the danger of depression, loss of hope, you may feel old before your time and there is certainly a sense of shame. Shame over the fact that your own spouse does not desire you. This shame keeps you from sharing your problems with someone else. You find yourself with no support system and the growing belief that there is something terribly wrong with you.
Surviving a sexless marriage.
The only way to survive it is to run from it. I rarely tell people that divorce is their only option. In this case, my experience has taught me that there is little hope for change. Take your damaged self-image, your shame and any unhealthy beliefs you have come to feel about yourself and get out. Once you've done that, find a qualified therapist that can help you take back the power your spouse had to cause you to feel such negative emotions. The damage will die-hard and may be slow to repair but with time and work, you will once again feel sexually desirable and attractive.
| Withholding Sex – Withholding Sex as a Form of Punishment Quote:
Below are some common signs of verbal abuse:
- Being called names by your spouse. Any negative form of name calling is unacceptable. If you feel that it is a put down, then it most likely is. There are names that are obvious and, without question abusive. Then there are the covert, veiled attempts to put a spouse down that are harder to identify. Verbal abusers love to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down. If your spouse is constantly criticizing you, “for your own good,” be careful. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.
- Using words to shame. Critical, sarcastic, mocking words meant to put you down either alone or in front of other people.
- Yelling, swearing and screaming. I call this the “walking on eggs shells” syndrome because you are living with someone who goes verbally ballistic for very little cause.
- Using threats to intimidate. No threat should be taken likely, even if your spouse tells you they are only joking, especially if it causes you to change behaviors or to feel on guard in the relationship.
- Blaming the victim. Your spouse blows his/her top and then blames you for their actions and behavior. If you were only perfect they wouldn’t lose control!
- Your feelings are dismissed. Your spouse refuses to discuss issues that upset you. They avoid discussion of any topic where they might have to take responsibility for their actions or words.
- You often wonder why you feel so bad. You bury your feelings, walk on egg shells and work so hard at keeping the peace that every day becomes an emotional chore. You feel depressed and have even wondered if you are crazy.
- Manipulating your actions. The persistent and intense use of threatening words to get you to do something or act in a way you find uncomfortable. This form of verbal abuse is common at the end of a marriage. If your spouse doesn’t want a divorce they will say whatever it takes to play on your emotions, to get you to stay in the marriage. All in an attempt to get you to comply with their desires, regardless of what is best for you as an individual.
Responding to Verbal Abuse:
If your spouse, the person you are closest to habitually, verbally abuses you and dismisses your feelings, you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. When you finally recognize and come to terms with the idea that you are being verbally abuses you need to also become focused on getting help. Here are some steps you can take if faced with verbal abuse:
- Abuse is never justified so, you should never feel that it is your fault.
- Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.
- Seek counseling, either together or separately.
- Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.
- If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.
- Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.
- Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.
- Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then it is time to consider divorce. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser. If you make this decision hire an attorney familiar with domestic violence, stay in close contact with your support system and focusing on learning good coping skills.
| Verbal Abuse - Identify and Respond to Verbal Abuse |
28th-October-2008
