Good Article from Dr Helen

http://pajamasmedia.com/blog/ask-dr-...-by-a-woman/2/

Here is one man’s story — let’s call him Mike — (other identifying data has also been changed) about a rape that happened to him over 17 years ago that he still can’t forget:

Dr. Helen, I’ve recently been coming to grips with the fact that I was raped by a woman. While doing online research, I happened upon your blog and read several entries, most notably the relevant “Can Women be Predators?”
If you don’t mind, I’d like to share my story with you.
I am now an editor at a small book company and an activist but in my earlier life I was a Marine.
On a Friday night in 1990, after hanging out with a friend for several hours at a club — said friend disappeared for the night and left his female friend (stranger to me) without a ride and about 35 miles from home. I was plastered, and not going to drive as the club was next to a motel. She asked for a ride and I offered to drive her home in the morning as she was about 6 months pregnant, but I was going to have to get a motel room for the evening as I was drunk and not driving in such a state. We decided to split the cost of the room and both agreed that sleeping was all that was going to take place. She was pregnant and also not my type in the slightest. At the time, I thought I was in love with a woman attending a local college. I seem to recall we even had separate beds.
I woke up about 2 hours later — still destroyed by the alcohol — to find my clothes removed from the waist down and the girl on top of me wailing like a banshee and quite roughly enjoying herself. She had apparently brought me to erection — not hard as I’m one of those men who can hold one for hours, awake or asleep, sober or drunk. She told me everything was okay and to go back to sleep and despite my best effort to the contrary, I was unable to move or speak coherently in my still very inebriated and half-conscious state and did fall asleep again quickly.
After most of my drunken stupor wore off around 7 am or so, I awoke again to find her on top of me — this time with a more menacing attitude as she knew I was in a better position to respond physically this time. I had began to wiggle out from under her (taking care not to hurt her baby) when she sternly warned me to “be quiet” and “not be forceful” and made it clear that she would cry rape if I tried to stop it. I was stunned to say the least and not sure how to respond. I could easily have thrown her across the room and off of me, but was concerned for her child and took her threat very, very seriously. She said it so easily that I doubt I was her first.
I weighed my options for a moment and came to the conclusion that a sober, 6 or 7-month pregnant college student of 24 was far more likely to be believed by the authorities than a drunk 19-year old Marine in the best shape of his life. I frequented that club a lot and I’m sure several people saw me leave with her. I was pretty much f*cked — in more than one way — at that point.
I complied by lying still while she continued to warn and threaten me and she eventually orgasmed again and got off me. I don’t know how long the second rape transpired as I tried to disconnect my mind from that scene. Further, I have no idea how many times she had actually raped me that night (at least twice), but I was extremely sore for a few days. As a small favor, she turned out to be disease free.
I’ve always tried to pretend it was nothing or play it off like an uncomfortable memory of a wild night that ended weird whenever the memory surfaced.
After 17 years of pretending, the floodgates opened this week (thanks to a wonderful woman I work with) and it has been extremely difficult to deal with as my denial was swept away. I have a lot of counseling in my future in order to heal after the band-aid was ripped away.
This was very difficult to admit, not only personally, but to a very dear friend who has been there before. As you know, rape is about power and control. She had power over me that night, even though I could have easily thrown her across the room and off me. Her pregnancy and threat of jail against me were the only weapons she needed to have her way that night.
I spend a great deal of time on civil liberties issues fighting for those without a voice through my publications working on national coalitions with the ACLU and tons of other organization leaders spanning the spectrum from left to right. It is very hard to see myself in the role of victim now, given how much time I devote to advocacy efforts.
Thank you for listening and thank you for what you do.

When I read Mike’s story, I realized the horrible psychological predicament that this rapist put Mike in. If he turned her down or pushed her away, she could call rape and as he points out, a pregnant woman would no doubt be believed by authorities and his career as a Marine would have been over. The psychological trauma this caused him must have been excruciating. Can you imagine being blackmailed this way? I know of another man who had a similar event happen to him as a teenager, but he never did anything about it or reported the abuse.
Why?
Because many people mistakenly think rape only happens to women — men and boys who are coerced into sex or abused by women are just having a good time or laughed at. Their reports are not taken seriously. John Althouse Cohen discusses male rape and abuse in a recent post on the disadvantages of being male:

Not all rape victims are women. They can be men or women. It’s well-known that this often happens to men in prison. Of course, this is usually just laughed at (as is female-against-male domestic violence) because — to add one more item to the list — society is more concerned about “protecting” women than men (which follows logically from the belief that women are weak).
By definition, we can’t know about all the unreported rapes. But which gender do you think would be more hesitant to report it out of shame or a need to always appear tough?

Yes, men often do not report abuse by women or even other men. However, even the ones who do report get turned away or no legal consequences follow for the perpetrator, so why bother? And studies often show only a small number of female perpetrators — thus giving the impression that male rape or abuse by women is unheard of. But this does not mean that sexual abuse of males by females is not happening — even the PC American Bar Association admits on its website on domestic violence that 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance. But this pales in comparison to the extent of the problem when it comes to self-reports. According to the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence in Canada:

Self-report studies provide a very different view of sexual abuse perpetration and substantially increase the number of female perpetrators. In a retrospective study of male victims, 60% reported being abused by females (Johnson and Shrier, 1987). The same rate was found in a sample of college students (Fritz et al., l 981). In other studies of male university and college students, rates of female perpetration were found at levels as high as 72% to 82% (Fromuth and Burkhart, 1987, 1989; Seidner and Calhoun, 1984). Bell et al. (1981) found that 27% of males were abused by females. In some of these types of studies, females represent as much as 50% of sexual abusers (Risin and Koss, 1987). Knopp and Lackey (1987) found that 51% of victims of female sexual abusers were male. It is evident that case report and self-report studies yield very different types of data about prevalence. These extraordinary differences tell us we need to start questioning all of our assumptions about perpetrators and victims of child maltreatment.

Rape is about power and power can be used by men against women, but it can also be used by women against men as in Mike’s example. Yes, men are on average stronger than women. However, victimizing others is often not about physical strength but about the will and desire to have power and dominate and/or manipulate others. This desire is a human trait, not just a male one. In addition, men are penalized with jail or worse if they use physical strength to hurt women. There is rarely any such penalty for women who use the legal system to blackmail or harm men.
Women have much more psychological and legal power against men in our society and blackmail is very easy, given the current legal and political climate. Women know that men and boys have no or little legal recourse against them and use this to their advantage to get what they want. If you don’t believe this, take a look at Crystal Gail Mangum who made false rape charges against the Duke students. Any jail time for her? Nope. Her reward for lying? She just finished her bachelors degree in “criminal psychology” of all things!
Our society shames men who are abused by women just as it shamed and blamed women many years ago who were abused by men. Neither strategy is a good one for a society that purports to promote justice and fairness. If one group can be discriminated against this way, who will be next? Our society owes more to the men and boys in our communities than letting them be blackmailed and harmed by predators — male or female. I say the first step is to actually prosecute women who are found to make false rape charges against men. This crime should be taken as seriously as rape itself for it can often do as much damage to a man’s reputation emotional well-being and his freedom if he is falsely put in jail.
Isn’t it time we stood up for the rights of boys and men just as we do for girls and women who are abused by those of the opposite gender? Is rape okay just because the victim is male?

Toysoldier on that article: http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2008...-202/#more-460

Dr. Helen recently posted an article about one man’s story of being raped. His experience sounds much like any other date rape experience, except that the male is the victim and that his rapist used her gender and pregnancy as a means of keeping him silent. It takes a certain amount of bravery to put one’s story out there. I applaud Dr. Helen for taking this man’s experience seriously and writing an article that in no way denies the pain and suffering the rape caused him.
However, I am truly astounded by the level of vitriol people have thrown at this man. It ranges from flat-out mockery to insulting him directly. More than that, it is not one specific group of people doing it. It is not just men or just women or just feminists or just conservatives who fear “homosexual rape.” Someone from every group has attacked this man for no apparent reason other than his gender.
As I stated on Dr. Helen’s blog, I am not so much shocked at the response in and of itself. Rather, I have never gotten used to seeing this kind of reaction, which I have yet to see in any instance other than high-profile rape cases. It is as if some people have literally gone out of their way to bash this man, both his credibility and who he is as person, simply because woman raped him and he did not like it.
This happened to this man when he was 19-years-old and it took him years to come forward only to receive a general reaction of “So what?”, “Only women can be raped” and “You should have liked it. I would’ve.” He is an adult and I can imagine that this is causing him a ton of distress. Imagine then he if were still a child and came forward to feminists quibbling about rape definitions and female strength, men flat-out laughing at him and women doing the same, but with a more condescending tone.
This is what it looks like to be a male victim. This is what they have to face if they come forward. It is not just that they will called liars or that people will imply that they did or should have wanted it or that they could have stopped it if they wanted it. It is that extra bit of “C’mon, you’re a guy. Man up and stop whining.” that come virtually every person who has anything to say other than “This woman is a rapist and I’m so sorry she did this to you.”
This is why men and boys do not come forward. The dissent against men and boys speaking out about being raped by women (or raped at all) is so loud and overbearing that the people who do not hold those views get completely drowned out (in this instance, I am not be facetious. One must literally look for the supportive comments on both sites). Until we change our attitudes about whether women can hurt men and boys and whether men and boys should just “tough it out,” male victims will continue to be pummeled into silence not only by their rapists, but by the people who should be on the victims’ sides.

Comments on this article that will make you sad....well they made me sad

Snoop Diggity-DANG-Dawg:
Zero sympathy, Blunderbrain. Get plastered, then get a hotel room with a total stranger, and later you’re ‘raped’.
Stupid people deserve the pain they afflict upon themselves.


A Dane:

What a b****, abusing the protection of raped women like that. I feel bad for the child that she was going to have. And I fully understand the anger he must have been feeling.
That being said, get over it already. It’s been 17 years and you did nothing at the time. You’re a man an should not react as women do - crying and feeeeling so bad, that’s the women’s domain. You could have pressed charges long time ago, now all you can, and should, do is to get over it.


Smarty:

Bullshize.
I doubt the story, and if it were true this guy is the leader of the Metrosexual pack. He forgot to add that she backhanded him a few times while she was scaring him into silence.
Utter crap.


tinman:

Does anyone really believe this. There is zero chance this happened. Only a fool would believe this. The only way a woman can rape a man is if she straps one on and ties him up.


Roger Pearse:

Leaving aside the weird and disgusting circumstances, this is mildly absurd, to be honest. It’s not really the same thing at all.


Mary Jackson:

Definition of rape (Merriam Webster):
“unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent.”
I don’t think what happened was rape, though it may count as sexual assault.


Jason Van Steenwyk:

I know. There’s a special place reserved in Hell for me. But the whole time I was reading this I kept thinking, “Dear Penthouse.”


Esher Fern Gamble:

“She had apparently brought me to erection — not hard as I’m one of those men who can hold one for hours, awake or asleep, sober or drunk.”
lol, ok dude, we believe you. This isn’t the Penthouse forum.
Sometimes a mouse can get the better of a cat, sometimes a freshman can pummel a senior, sometimes a 4-cylinder can beat a V-8. And sometimes a man can get raped by a woman. But let’s not let statistical aberrations cloud the obvious - rape is committed by men, on women.


Marsouin:

It’s rape only if she’s ugly! (A little humor.) Men can’t get raped. What a pathetic story if true.


360 Annie:

I’m sorry Helen, but this is silly. Men ARE supposed to be different than women. I don’t want to see men crying and sharing their feelings….I hate the whole metrosexual thing, it’s part of what is wrong with the whole landscape…we need men to be men…


John:

Would any of those female rapists like to have my address?


nynick:

Without passing judgement on female on male rape, this guy is just a good old fashioned liar.
How many women do you know go clubbing when their six months pregnant thirty five miles away? How many of those women would not make arrangements of some kind to get themselves home?


nynick:

Sioux Lady,
Exactly! Men can’t perform without some interest in performing. May I also point out that this line, “She had apparently brought me to erection — not hard as I’m one of those men who can hold one for hours, awake or asleep, sober or drunk” is a little far fetched. Ladies, does this seem likely?


SarahW:

I think he’s lying. The “orgasming” was icing on the cake.


woody, tokin librul:

Dear Hustler…
Chuy…Do you people know the difference between a war story and a fairy tale?
Fairy-tales start off “Once Upon A Time’; a war-story starts off: “This ain’ no shit. I was there…”


SarahW:

Let me be more blunt. You’ve fallen for a fantasy or confabulation created with the specific intention of having others be subjected to a prurient exagerration of his capacities and vulnerabilities.
His “harpy” rape is a masturbatory fantasy and the literary equvalent of flashing.


Aronamos:

Whta, did Penthouse not publish this, Mike?
I call BS on this.

And some really good quotes:

Chaya:
A Dane said “You’re a man an should not react as women do - crying and feeeeling so bad, that’s the women’s domain. You could have pressed charges long time ago, now all you can, and should, do is to get over it.”
==================================
THAT is the problem with society - that men are now supposed to let their feelings show! “Be a man! Don’t cry!” a boy’s father says to him. If he feels he was raped, then he was! Rape is not sexual; it’s about power. And that is what she was using against him. She could have masturbated; instead, she chose to play a power trip on that poor guy knowing he wouldn’t do a thing against her.


Meta Physic:

So rape only counts when there is physical force or the threat of injury present? Psychological coercion isn’t enough? I guess that means all those male bosses who demand sex as the price of continued employment aren’t guilty of rape at all since no threat of violence is present. And rape victims to be forced to prove not only lack of consent but the threat of violent injury in order to get a conviction? Good luck with that.


Thomas Vago:

Um… she forced him to have sex with her, against his will. I do not care much for legal, 50-cent word definitions of rape, but this situation certainly fits what I would call rape.
Dr. Helen is right - reform is needed. I agree that falsely reporting rape, or sexual assault, or sexual harassment; ought to merit the same sort of scrutiny and punishment as valid charges.
Guys, see how much sympathy you get when some woman slaps a false rape charge against you (or even a false sexual harrassment charge). Even if the evidence solidly points to that fact that she lied and that you’re innocent, even if there was no possible way at all that you and her could have been in a situation that even remotely supports her lie, you’re still screwed.
And for those of you knuckleheads who are being callous over this Marine’s plight: If you got caught up in a similar situation as that Marine, you’d get absolutely no sympathy from me, ever.


E:

To the unsympathetic:
If you think the lifetime legal injury that would have been done to “Mike” if he’d fought back is something to scoff at, you really don’t have much of a clue. I realize it’s hard to get one’s head around the idea of a man being raped or abused by a woman, but if you think for a few minutes before having a juvenile emotional reaction, you’d see how much the law favours women. The woman who assaulted “Mike” is a predator, plain and simple. There are men on sex offender registries for their whole lives labelled as rapists and pedophiles for much less. Injury by physical force is not the only “real” injury. I think I could deal with the threat of temporary physical force more readily than the threat of being forever labelled a rapist.


hmmm:

Women can’t be rapists, you know, like blacks can’t be racist.


Zango:

I know a guy who suffered something similar, in that he woke up in his bed to find one of his housemates on top of him. She didn’t make any threats that I’m aware of, but she used him for sex without his consent: pretty much the definition of rape. I don’t think he made a big deal of it - what was he going to say? Who could he complain to?
To make it even worse, she became pregnant from the encounter and so not only does he support the child, he’s stuck with this horrible woman in his life for the next few decades.


Thomas Vago:

I also find, on the part of some of the other commenters, a disturbing lack of understanding (or knowledge) of reproductive biology. It’s almost as though you’re proud to display your ignorance..
Oh, well… From reading the “enlightened” responses of some of the other commenters here, I guess in our society, which was supposed to guarantee equality of potential for all, with openness and understanding, without prejudice, that:
- only men can rape women
- only men can assault women (sexually or physically or mentally)
- only men can sexually harass women.
Thanks for the clue, folks.


Azores:

Men are being treated as underclass “people” by the law and ridiculed in the media. But real men should not complaint as victims. Like Roman plebeians they should step aside. Mister bin Laden will solve all present problems created by women seeking power and power only.


SwissArmyD:

I am sure if, Dr. Helen< you had removed genders from the story, people would line up solidly behind the victim. The comments prove the point though. Most people only see rape as penetration, and the perp is the one doing that. It’s a crock, but there it is. The comments about how this wouldn’t happen to a real man are also a crock. Hate to tell you this guys, but ANY woman can scream rape, and you will be face down in handcuffs fast enough to make your head spin. The police may determine later that she was lying, but that won’t take away the night or nights in jail proving your innocence, IF you can. People who think that is impossible, have never been close to it… I’ve been the guy to bail out a friend with the psycho ex-girlfriend who was blackmailing, and screamed it.
The DA dropped it when we could conclusively prove he was elsewhere.
Just because women can use soft-power to do this, doesn’t mean it is different*. The guy has figured out, no doubt, how hard it is to get any services for this. Hopefully he has friends to back him up over the long haul.
*yes, it’s a different scenario to take advantage of a man, but, it is also a different kind of wound. In effect you take away his manhood for some amount of time, because all his strength and power can be co-opted. He has no answer for that. Unlike a woman who will get sympathy from almost everyone, a man gets derision from many of his peers, and most women won’t believe him if he says anything about it.


ern:

This was definitely rape, and the unsympathetic responses here are puzzling. The definition Mary offers says “usually” carried out forcibly or under threat of injury. In this case, the man’s ability to use force to protect himself was thwarted by her pregnancy. He might as well have been physically restrained. His use of force would have threatened an innocent life. The definition does not rely on force, as Mary seems to imply (she obviously isn’t reading the definition carefully enough). Just because this situation was unusual does not mean it wasn’t rape.
This is one of those rare cases in which the man could not reasonably have fought off the woman. She used her pregnancy as a restraint against the man. She might as well have been holding a gun to another innocent person’s head. I can’t imagine how anyone could reasonably come to any other conclusion.


Matt S.:

If this isn’t rape then we have a huge double standard. The threat of force and an unwilling partner would be all that is needed to qualify in my opinion. Of course he could have physically stopped her when he woke up, but she threatened economic punishment(his job), not to mention his own conviction no one would believe him or fear of hurting the unborn child. Big marine raped by 6 month pregnant women….twice! SUUURE he could have come forward. This would seriously screw with anyones head and she might as well have been holding a gun to his head and it isn’t at all suprising he avoided confronting what happened to him for so long. As far as the comments for him to suck it up, because he is a man? Suppressing anger hardly makes one a man. Dealing with it constructively so he can move on and create and sustain better relationships with loved ones in his own life is harder and does.
Good Luck Mike


Trey:

In a few weeks, tens of thousands of college freshmen will be taken to auditoriums and told about how having sex with a drunk woman is rape. She is incapacitated by her voluntary use of alcohol or drugs, and having sex with her while she is to inebriated to consent is rape.
That makes perfect sense to me.
It is the height of absurdity to claim that this only applies to women. It is unjustifiable using even the most strenuous of mental gymnastics.
Trey


Casey:

Wow…just wow…
Let’s just replay the scenario with a couple of minor changes…..
Two women go out to a club and have a few too mnay to drink. One woman departs with a man leaving the other at the club. Unfortunately, she is too inebriated to drive and rather than risking it she elects to stay in hotel. The woman remaining at the club, a strong, fit, 21 year old elite woman athlete had struck up a friendship with a slender, effeminate metrosexual male who was stuck without a ride. Not feeling a threat from this man, and both being drunk and short of funds, they elect to share a room for the night after which she would drive him home. Both agree that only sleeping would occur in the room.
The woman awakes in the middle of the night to find the man on top of her having sexual intercourse. When she protests and tells him to stop he angrily refuses and threatens to ruin her career and image by going to the press or national Inquire and releasing made-up details about their night together and possibly even photos. While she could physically stop him she is stunned that this is happening and afraid of his threat and its potential impact on her public image and potential for a broadcasting career.
Now…given that he began intercourse with her while she was asleep, and threatened harm to her career when told him to stop, would that be rape? Would anyone be saying “just get over it”? Or would it be that nonconsensual intercourse still rape, no matter the circumstance?
When did the rape occur? When he entered her while she was asleep? When he threatened her and continued? Did it stop being rape because she could have physically made him stop but didn’t?
Why is this different from Mike’s story?
p.s. To answer the “what was he thinking” question there’s this. Perhaps he saw a pregnant woman in a difficult situation and wanted to help as best he could within his means. Perhaps, because he was a gentleman, he had no intention of doing anything other than what he said; sleep it off and get her home safely in the morning. Perhaps, this was a good deed getting taken advantage of and punished. There are many, many good men in the world who would want to help a pregnant woman in distress.

Alot but definately a good read....(Toysoldier really has some good articles check his site out toysoldier.wordpresss.com)